To Love a Rose: An Ethiopian Adoption Journal

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

P4 Results

So, I finally got my p4 (progesterone) results back from Monday: a scant "8".  Don't get me wrong, I realize that anything above "4" means you've ovulated; but I also realize that 8 is not exactly a good number for indicating pregnancy.  I've been told many times that 7 DPO progesterone results don't always indicate pregnancy (or not), but honestly, I think these people are just trying to make me feel better since progesterone is created by the fertilized egg and then by the implanted embryo, why wouldn't progesterone indicate pregnancy?  I think it would.

What does this mean?  Essentially, it means that most likely this cycle failed.  Another failure.  Which means in about 4 days we'll be back to square one...againagainagainagainagain.

I honestly burst into tears when I heard the p4 result.  I just cannot believe it.  I had a GREAT chance this cycle, everyone agreed on this.  We had done injects for 12 days straight.  I had stimmed at least 2 if not 4 follicles.  We didn't trigger until CD 16, giving the eggs enough time to really mature and develop properly, we did an IUI with great sperm counts and motility on CD 18...I did everything right.  I did everything in my power.  I prayed to God.  I believed he would help us.  But here I am, weeping onto my laptop keyboard for the umpteenth time; and I haven't even started my period yet! 

It's going to be a looooong wait for her to show up.  I am dreading it double-time, because my family's going to be down to visit and celebrate my 30th birthday (yes, the big one) on Tuesday; and I will most likely be two days into my next cycle.  It will be a very difficult birthday, indeed.  I'm trying not to think about it, actually.  Hopefully, I can just emotionally disengage like my friend M suggests.  I hope we both succeed.

When talking to Mr. C today about my results, we both decided we can't take much more of this.  "This" being the emotions, the sadness, the money, the time, the stolen opportunities and so much more.  We've decided that we are going to talk to Dr. S about things on Wednesday (we're assuming that's when we'll go in to see him), and really get into what's going on (or what might be going on).  We've decided we are, after all, going to apply to ATTAIN IVF (a program which provides loans to couples for their IVF procedures; which are VERY pricey, and gives them back 75% of their cash if they do not succeed in bringing home a baby).  I never, ever thought we'd get to this point; but here we are. 

Here we are.


I cannot believe that God leaves so many of us to struggle.  I don't understand what I'm supposed to be learning.  Yes, I am angry at him today.  I don't know how much harder I can pray, what else I can possibly do...I just don't know. Most days, I try really hard to be positive and hopeful and to pass that along to others, but I am at a loss today, I'm sorry.  I wish I were a stronger person, but I guess the lesson in all of this is that I'm really not.

All I can say is, THANK GOD for my husband and all the girls on the infertility boards at Soul Cysters!  Without the daily out-pouring of love and support from these people (astonishingly most of whom I don't even know IRL!), I would have jumped a cliff many moons ago.  I am so grateful for community.  I am so grateful to be struggling alongside these strong women who somehow get up and make it through each day while heavy hearts threaten to pull them to the ground.  Wow, what an honor!  So inspiring to see such strength and beauty in the midst of such tremendous heartache. 

I need to get back to work, but I really needed to get this off my chest...I'm feeling pretty terrible right now.  But I know that somehow I'll pull through and get right back on the "horse" again tomorrow...somehow, somehow...



  1. *big hugs to you*

    Even if you've lost hope for this cycle, I'll hang on to that hope for you.

    Take extra special care of yourself today.

  2. I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but you are still early. 7dpo is still VERY early and that fertilized egg could still be making its way to your uterus.
    It's so difficult to remain hopeful. **HUGS**

  3. Thanks girls. Today is 10 DPiui, and I got a BFN on my super sensitive (10 miu/ml) tests. Of course, it wasn't FMU; so, I know that's sort of a no-no. But, I think that it would have shown up by now with those super sensitive tests. I'm trying to figure out how we're going to afford another cycle and then IVF if this next cycle turns out like this one. I'm just feeling super stressed out at the moment. Thanks for holding on to hope for me...I can't do for myself right now, I just can't.

  4. Praying for you girl..Just thought you would like to know that..I know that it helped me knowing that other people were praying so hard for me...I have been there...

  5. Emily, it DOES help me immensely to know that, thank you so much! I can never express to you how much it means to know that people (most complete strangers!) are willing to pray for me! So powerful. Very humbling.

    I'm just so confused right now...I feel like if we weren't meant to get pg; then why didn't God allow our adoptions to work out? What's the answer? To not be parents at all?! That just makes me sad and angry. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing right this all a sign we're supposed to give up? So much to consider and pray about...

  6. I'm so sorry - keeping you in my prayers. I know that God will help you become a mom.

  7. Mandie, I would like to officially give you permission to take today off from having a positive attitude. Be selfish, be grumpy, tell God exactly how angry you are, glare out the windows at moms & their kids, wish on a birthday candle, on a star, eat your favorite ice cream, take a long bath at the end of the day and go to bed early. Indulge yourself because its okay to be frustrated and exhausted and all those other emotions. You're human, its okay.

    Tomorrow, get up and shift your focus back to God. He is your comforter, your sustainer, He is the truth holder, the creator of everything that was and is and will be. He knows exactly what is in store for you and Mr. C. Tomorrow, rest in God and the knowledge that others are going to Him on your behalf.

    I'm so sorry you've been through so much. I am continuing to pray for you and the miracle of Baby C.