P4 Results

So, I finally got my p4 (progesterone) results back from Monday: a scant "8".  Don't get me wrong, I realize that anything above "4" means you've ovulated; but I also realize that 8 is not exactly a good number for indicating pregnancy.  I've been told many times that 7 DPO progesterone results don't always indicate pregnancy (or not), but honestly, I think these people are just trying to make me feel better since progesterone is created by the fertilized egg and then by the implanted embryo later...so, why wouldn't progesterone indicate pregnancy?  I think it would.

What does this mean?  Essentially, it means that most likely this cycle failed.  Another failure.  Which means in about 4 days we'll be back to square one...againagainagainagainagain.

I honestly burst into tears when I heard the p4 result.  I just cannot believe it.  I had a GREAT chance this cycle, everyone agreed on this.  We had done injects for 12 days straight.  I had stimmed at least 2 if not 4 follicles.  We didn't trigger until CD 16, giving the eggs enough time to really mature and develop properly, we did an IUI with great sperm counts and motility on CD 18...I did everything right.  I did everything in my power.  I prayed to God.  I believed he would help us.  But here I am, weeping onto my laptop keyboard for the umpteenth time; and I haven't even started my period yet! 

It's going to be a looooong wait for her to show up.  I am dreading it double-time, because my family's going to be down to visit and celebrate my 30th birthday (yes, the big one) on Tuesday; and I will most likely be two days into my next cycle.  It will be a very difficult birthday, indeed.  I'm trying not to think about it, actually.  Hopefully, I can just emotionally disengage like my friend M suggests.  I hope we both succeed.

When talking to Mr. C today about my results, we both decided we can't take much more of this.  "This" being the emotions, the sadness, the money, the time, the stolen opportunities and so much more.  We've decided that we are going to talk to Dr. S about things on Wednesday (we're assuming that's when we'll go in to see him), and really get into what's going on (or what might be going on).  We've decided we are, after all, going to apply to ATTAIN IVF (a program which provides loans to couples for their IVF procedures; which are VERY pricey, and gives them back 75% of their cash if they do not succeed in bringing home a baby).  I never, ever thought we'd get to this point; but here we are. 

Here we are.

Stranded.

I cannot believe that God leaves so many of us to struggle.  I don't understand what I'm supposed to be learning.  Yes, I am angry at him today.  I don't know how much harder I can pray, what else I can possibly do...I just don't know. Most days, I try really hard to be positive and hopeful and to pass that along to others, but I am at a loss today, I'm sorry.  I wish I were a stronger person, but I guess the lesson in all of this is that I'm really not.

All I can say is, THANK GOD for my husband and all the girls on the infertility boards at Soul Cysters!  Without the daily out-pouring of love and support from these people (astonishingly most of whom I don't even know IRL!), I would have jumped a cliff many moons ago.  I am so grateful for community.  I am so grateful to be struggling alongside these strong women who somehow get up and make it through each day while heavy hearts threaten to pull them to the ground.  Wow, what an honor!  So inspiring to see such strength and beauty in the midst of such tremendous heartache. 

I need to get back to work, but I really needed to get this off my chest...I'm feeling pretty terrible right now.  But I know that somehow I'll pull through and get right back on the "horse" again tomorrow...somehow, somehow...

Tears,
*mandie*