Honestly, I feel I've been entirely too pessimistic lately. Rewind to where my family was last year: wondering if my mom was going to live or die and what a holiday season without her would really be like, and I find myself slapping myself in the brain screaming, "Why are you so sad/angry/depressed right now anyway?!"
If I had to get all psychoanalytical on myself, I'd say I have a bit of survivor's guilt. Now, I know I wasn't the one battling stage 4 leukemia; but I was there every day (save 4 weeks spent back in Branson doing adoption "stuff") from November 15th, 2011 onward, and I felt every bit of the nerves and fear and terror that comes with battling this terrible disease.
While God answered all of our prayers concerning mom, I had to watch some very dear, sweet, amazing friends lose their battles with cancer. I realize that most people say life will never be the same after such a journey, but I didn't know how truly UN-cliche those statements were until I lived it - twice in 3 years.
No, life will never be the same; and while I know I'm a better person for what I have witnessed and been through, I am sporting some pretty raw scars in the mind and heart departments. And while I'm hurting like mad, I can only imagine what these people's family members are feeling - the constant ache, the never-ending sadness, the twisting of anxious stomachs and nervous minds. Terrible.
I think it's only natural, then, that my disgusting self-pity spilled over into the adoption process.
Okay, seriously, do I think it's unfair that I have now heard of THREE families who have been matched before us when their HSTK were MONTHS after ours? YES. I think it really sucks, actually; but here's the deal, folks: there's nothing I can do about it. And whining, complaining, throwing a fit - none of these things will help us get a referral any sooner.
It was really hard to hear Holt say what they did to us during our recent phone sessions, but in the end I have to keep my eyes focused on God. I have to believe He has a plan for our family - for our child(ren) - or else I will literally lose my mind. Am I still upset? Absolutely. Tremendously. Achingly. Do I cry often? Yes, more than I care to admit. But, do I still have hope? Yes, so much. I cling to it. I have to believe that we WILL be able to complete our adoption from Korea. I have to just keep praying daily that for some reason we are on the Korean social worker's heart and mind, and that she finds a match for our family very soon.
So much of this family-building process has been out of our control. You can't control lost fertility. You can't control miscarriages. You can't control failed fertility treatments. You can't control wrongful actions made by adoption agencies. You can't control a birth mom/family changing their minds and deciding to parent when they've made you promises to the otherwise. None of those things can be controlled. BUT, I do know that God has always been in control. In the midst of chaos, He was working things into His perfect order.
Our child is out there. He is waiting for us just as we wait for him. We will be united someday soon.
These are truths I cling to when the wait gets too tough to bear. I'm still upset, but being negative doesn't help anything at all - ever. My parents were always grinding it into my sisters and I that the Bible is clear that what we speak and think goes out into the universe ahead of us creating a path for us that is either negative or positive - but the choice is ultimately OURS.
So here is something I can control: what I say and think.
If you send out negativity and pessimism, how can you be surprised when you fail or do not get what you want? Most people who are successful are extremely optimistic. They shine out positivity and it gets radiated back to them in so many ways. It doesn't mean that bad things never happen to you, but it means that the outcome will almost always be in your favor - even if only in the sense that you will be able to see the light in a dark situation.
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." -Proverbs 12:19
"I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." -Matthew 18:18
"...You do not have, because you do not ask..." -James 4:2
All four of these verses demonstrate the power of positive thinking and positive confession. We are promised that we will have what our hearts desire (Psalm 37:4), all we have to do is believe and ask and then stand firm. So, instead of whining and complaining about other families getting matched way out of order or crying all the time; I am going to start confessing every day (and night!) that our child is out there, doing great, being loved by his foster family, and that we will be matched VERY soon.
I hope that the next time I blog it will be because we have been matched; but if not, I have some super exciting stuff to share with you all - pictures of Baby C's nursery! It's *almost* done. We are just waiting on a few more things to get here from some online stores, then I can officially step back and breathe a bit. I'm sure I'll want to tweak things here and there all the time; but when these last items come in, I feel fairly confident that I'll be content for a while, at least. Oooh, it's seriously so exciting to me to decorate his space! It really makes the adoption "real" to me for some reason.
Today is Cheseok in South Korea (sort of like our Thanksgiving); and besides Christmas, this is probably the biggest holiday of the year. I can't help but wonder where Baby C is and what he's doing. I'm just sure he's with his foster family, hanging out with relatives, being showered with love and attention - at least that's what I hope and pray. Gosh, I'm grateful for his foster family! How will I ever be able to thank them enough?
Anyway, that's the mystery of the vanishing post...I hope you can all forgive me for my negativity; it's toxic, and I'm going to try so hard to quit letting it get the best of me.
Love and Blessings,
PS: Mom is going out-patient tomorrow! Yes, it's true! I will try to write a blog tomorrow reiterating some of the information about her prophylactic chemo treatments and how she's doing tomorrow or the next day since I had several paragraphs about that in the post I deleted. But please know it's all amazing, fantastic, wonderful news; so NO WORRIES. :-)