A year ago today, my family sat in a small but bright room in the stem cell unit of the Cancer Treatment Center of America in Zion, IL. My mom was in remission from Philadelphia positive, adult, acute lymphoblastic leukemia; and it was day #1 of her two-day stem cell transplant. We knew little about her non-related donor, except that he was a "he", young, and French. So, to take the edge off of such a weighty day, we threw a French "mustache" RE-birthday party - after all, this was going to be mom's second chance at life, we had to celebrate it!
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| Mom and I during her French "mustache" transplant party, May 24th, 2012. |
Today, a year later, I sit in front of my computer, in my small office in my house in Branson, MO...missing my mom like crazy and crying like a little girl.
Every major holiday or event that has occurred since mom passed on March 7th of this year, I have thought that I needed to write something here - Easter, my son's baby shower, Mother's Day, my 32nd birthday...but I just couldn't. Even now, the words spill out dead and meaningless...nothing is enough, nothing is adequate, nothing will ever be right again.
I cannot describe to you right now how sad I feel most every day, but the worst is knowing that I have lost my mother when I myself am FINALLY on the cusp of becoming a mother myself. It breaks my heart. And it really hurts knowing that my son will never know his grandmother here on earth - she would have been the BEST! She felt such a kindred connection to him since she was also adopted, and she had so many plans for life with him.
There is nothing left for me to say here...I'm just not ready, but I want to thank those who have stopped by to check in on me. I appreciate knowing that someone out there cares. And, hopefully, in the near future, I'll be able to write more or at least have something more eloquent to say - my mom deserves that much.
*mandie*
Dear Desmond,
Truthfully, I should have written this months ago, it's true; but please, oh please, dear boy, know that I just couldn't.
When we got the phone call about you on our anniversary back in October, I had to hold back the tears brimming in my eyes. I had just begun to think that you were never going to happen...that I was truly never going to be a mother. Then, Angie at Holt told me to check my e-mail; and your sweet, adorable face was the first thing that popped up.
In one instant, I was a mother and in love with you all at once.
I'm sure I will tell you this story a million times, but I hope you know how sincere it is. How very true it is. Your daddy and I instantly looked at each other and said, "That's our boy!" We hugged, we cried, we called everyone we knew and bragged about how cute you were and how much we loved you...it was amazing. For the rest of the day, we were flying high. Pure bliss. Ecstatic happiness. All because of you.
But, by the next day, I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. You see, now that I knew who you were, I just wanted to be with you. I stared at your pictures (only 3!) for hours, wondering where you were in them, who has been with you when they were taken, what time of day, what activities you had been doing right before, just after and so on into insanity.
We started getting your WBC's (well baby checks), and I began to realize the hard-hitting fact that I would be watching you grow up through these important stages of babyhood through e-mails, foreign documents, and scarce photographs. It broke my heart.
Each WBC would both make me giddy to see how you were doing while making me ill wondering what everything meant. Were you truly okay? Why did you need physical therapy for not picking up a raisin with your thumb and pointer finger? What does "moderate nutrition" mean? Why are you still considered in the 5th percentile for weight when you are also pronounced "perfectly healthy"? But then, I'd have to laugh reading how you "smiled and cooed the entire doctor's visit", "preferred the foster mother to any stranger", and "eagerly grabbed at large objects and snacks offered". See, you're okay...
Right?
We sent you about 5 care packages within the span of a month and a half. I'm sure your foster family thinks we're nuts - or really cool, either way. Haha! I just had so many things I wanted to give you...to make sure you had - special castille soap for bath time, lots of cute outfits, snacks (you seem to LOVE the Gerber snack puffs, because you are clutching them for dear life in nearly every photo we have received of you, tee hee!), socks and shoes, toys, gifts for the foster family, and more. Each care package almost always guarantees a photo follow-up; which your daddy and I live for! I honestly wondered if you could get any cuter; but it's true, you CAN! You have the most expressive face and always look "too cool for school". I hope I can print off some of the comments people have made about you on F*cebook and online; because they all always say you are so handsome and beautiful and seriously look as though you've got it all under control and are so "cool". How can a baby be "cool"? I don't know; but you, my dear boy seem to have "it". I hope you never lose it; because it's something people seem to be drawn to, and I think it will come in very handy in your life.
Regardless of how marvelous it is to see these pictures and see your doctor's reviews, I still ache to hold you in my arms, to kiss your squishy cheeks (getting less and less baby squishy and more little boy-ish with each picture, I might add), and watch you sleep. I want to dress you the way I want you dressed. I want to cut your hair! I want to watch you discover the world around you. I want to be the one you cry to when you bump your head. I want you to reach up for me to pick you up. I want you here. I want you home. I want to stop missing out on these important milestones in your life. I want to be a first-hand witness to your day-to-day life, not a second-hand voyeur through photographs and e-mails.
When your birthday came on December 30th, I was shocked at how I was barely hanging on. This was something we knew would happen. This is what we signed up for. We knew we wouldn't be with you on this all-important day; and yet I felt sick wondering what you were doing, how your day was going. I had two shirts made for you with candles in the shape of a "1" and your name. I had to get two, because I honestly had no clue which size would fit you...that made me feel bad enough, let alone the fact I wouldn't see you in them on your special day.
We bought a cake and celebrated quietly with your gammy and gampy and one of your aunties here in Iowa vowing that next year everything would be different. It has to be, or else I think I'll lose it. I so want you home, dear boy. I can't stand the thought of missing out on any more holidays and celebrations without you.
For now, please know that although we are thousands of miles apart, speaking different languages, and living in different countries, I feel incredibly close to you. I think about you a million times a day (probably not hyperbole there either!), and I pray for you just about as often. I dream about you a lot (in the last one I had, we were picking out a cat at an animal shelter and you came and sat on my lap - sooo cute!).
I think it's important for you to know that I think of and pray for your birth mom. I know a lot about her now, and I hope you know she truly made the best decision she could for you. She was in a precarious position with very few options; but you know what? She made the decision to give you life, and for that I am forever indebted to her. She must be a very strong woman - maybe it's where you get your strong personality from? Maybe it's where you get your physical strength from too; because God knows you probably shouldn't have survived those first three months of your life, but you did. You are one strong, little dude!
I want you to know that I love her. I love this woman who gave you life and then gave you a real chance for a true family. I know it was hard for her, but she stated that she knew she was making the right decision; and I'm so glad she did, because now I get to be your mom.
I want you to know that I'll never stop you from trying to find her (or your birth father, he was extremely cooperative, and also knew he was making a good decision for you, something not many Korean adoptees can say) or any of your Korean family members. In fact, I will actively aid you in your search if it's what you desire to do. That's a promise, dear boy.
I want you to know that I respect the fact that you are going to face many things most kids never have to think about - being adopted and on top of that being adopted trans-racially from another country. I take this very seriously, and I think it needs to be stated right from the beginning that I don't take it lightly, neither does your dad. We are doing everything possible to make sure we respect and integrate your birth culture into your life, while at the same time respecting the fact that you will most likely just want to be a normal, American boy, no different than anyone else around him.
Luckily, your dad and I love Korean culture and food (YUM!). In fact, I've been watching the "Kimchi Chronicles" every night, drooling over all the delicious dishes that I can't seem to find over here in the mid-west. We're learning rudimentary hangul (no, it's definitely NOT perfect, by hopefully enough to get by shopping and speaking to your foster family someday soon), basic Korean geography, and all about Korean culture (so ancient and vast!). I hope you are as interested as we are, because we are loving it! And truly, I hope you never prefer McDonald's over japchae or bulgolgi...because honestly, this food is just too good to ignore! (Yes, I know, with me it's all about the food; but from the sounds of your WBC's, you agree with me, so we've got that much in common! ;-)
I didn't want this first letter to you to be like this. I wanted to
think it through better...I wanted to write to my greatest ability. I
wanted it to be beautiful, but if you are reading this you have probably
known me long enough to know that I get bursts of creativity where I
MUST do something...and it is usually more raw emotion than
well-thought-out architecture. Thus, this first letter. (I promise the
rest will be better!)
I know this might sound strange, but I miss you. I don't know how to explain how you can miss someone you've never met, but I miss you. I really do. Every day I do an out-loud confession where I say you WILL be home by springtime. I don't know what exactly that means, but I am hoping against hope that it's true. I believe that you say something out loud you are putting it out into the universe as possibility and truth. So, I don't care if I look like a fool; I'm going to keep proclaiming it - you WILL be home by springtime of this year!
This first letter hasn't turned out the way I wanted...it's become very stream-of-consciousness, but it's been from the heart. And this is from the heart too: I LOVE YOU...so very much. I pray daily that you can feel it, somehow, someway...always.
Love Love and More Love,
*omma*
December 30th was Desmond's first birthday or "tol". We wish so much that we could have been there with him to celebrate this amazing milestone. One of the worst parts of adoption for adoptive parents is the fact that you will, most likely, miss out on many special moments with your child(ren) before they are able to come home to you.
While I know that the lifetime of love to come will make up for all that is lost, it still makes me sad knowing that we are not able to be with our son at times like his first birthday, first Christmas, etc. It just makes me all the more grateful to the foster family caring for Desmond right now. Every time I see a picture of his foster parents, I want to burst into happy tears; because they just look so kind and gentle and sweet. I know our boy is being lavished in love and stability - giving him the ability to attach in his current situation and one day to us. I just know that our transition with Des will be a smooth and happy one, and we will owe it all to these selfless people.
All that said, we definitely still wish we could have been with Des for this important birthday...next year will be different.
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| *Foster parents' faces covered to protect their identity. |
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| Present from omma and appa. |
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| Present from Gammy and Gampy...forgot to take a pic of memaw and pepaw's gift before we left Missouri for Christmas in Iowa. But suffice it to say, there is much love from all around. |
Happy Birthday, dearest boy. One day, I hope you know how much we love you and waited for you...you are so special. <3 p="p">
*omma*
Now that the news about Desmond is circulating among our friends and family members, there has been much inquiry concerning when he will be coming home to us. The truthful answer is we just don't know. Ever since Korea enacted new adoption law on August 1st Holt and most of the other inter-country adoption agencies dealing with Korea have kept surprisingly mum about the situation.
So, from August until late November, it seemed as though nobody had any news whatsoever for any of us waiting AP's; which, of course, was driving us all mad with fear and longing. The main controversy seemed to be over whether any more EP's would be issued to waiting children/families. The EP ( emigration permit) is the document which allows the orphaned child to leave his/her birth country (Korea) and immigrate to the United States (or other country, such as England, Australia, Germany, Denmark, etc.).
In the past year or two, there had been a significant reduction in EP's given out to inter-country adoption agencies such as Holt. I believe the reasoning was a desire to slow down and eventually stop the process of inter-country adoption altogether. The problem with this was, however, that the government was still allowing the usual amount of children to be matched (or "referred") to waiting couples and families all around the world. Thus, demand for EP's began to significantly outweigh supply. The outcome was devastating for many children and families - the wait turned into a year and even 18 months for some from referral to homecoming. Children were turning 2 or even older, making the transition to their forever families that much more difficult and taxing on their tiny hearts and emotions.
Korea knew it had an issue; so, the goal became to revamp the old inter-country adoption laws, which were obviously not cutting it. Things that were up in the air in the new laws: would there have to be two trips instead of one now (some countries, like Ethiopia, require this anyway - first visit is for introduction, second for homecoming), would the child's adoption and citizenship be finalized IN Korea (this was the initial information we were told, but as of now families still have to finalize in their home state), will more EP's be issued in 2012, will both parents have to travel (they do), and perhaps most nerve-wrecking will inter-country adoption continue for Korea?
While many of these questions cannot be answered at the current time, I am pleased to say that there has been some movement in regards to EP submissions - hooray! We learned that three different sets of EP groups were submitted on November 20th, November 22nd, and December 12th. This is great news and means that the courts are up and running again, even after dealing with things as disappointing and angering as this. Word on the "street" is that from here on out, families won't have to wait for a large batch of EP's to be submitted all at once, but rather will be submitted for EP once their paperwork is ready and the EP submission is the next step in the process. This is fantastic news, and we are all really happy for those who were submitted for EP.
In the meantime, we have nothing to do but wait and wait and wait some more. So, Mr. C and I have been delighting ourselves with sending care packages to Des. This has been especially fun with the Christmas holiday and his tol (first birthday) quickly approaching. We have sent four packages thus far, and I look forward seeing pictures of our son with or wearing some of the items we have sent to him - how surreal will that be?!
I thought I'd share with you some of the goodies that have traversed the mighty ocean to be with our boy when we can't be. Here are some pictures of the care packages:
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| Part of care package #1 - I especially love the raccoon hat! |
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| Build-A-Bear puppy we made him with strawberry scent pack and our voices recorded saying how much we love him. |
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| Cover of the photo book we made for him on My Publisher with pictures of all of his immediate family members. |
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| Fun toys. We really love the remote control...not so sure the foster family will after hearing it on full-volume after a while, haha! |
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| Cute Christmas pj's! |
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| Outfit with warm, fuzzy jacket. |
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| Another outfit with jacket for layering. Wintertime can be VERY cold in Korea. |
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| First birthday shirts by Sherry of Etsy shop sayitNstitches. Can I just say, she was FABULOUS to work with! I actually only ordered and paid for the t-shirt on the left (12 month size), but she contacted me to let me that the shirts can run small. I told her I was sorry but didn't have much info since we were adopting and had no real way of checking his size/measurements. So, she surprised me and made me the shirt on the right (18 month size) FREE of charge just in case! What a BLESSING! |
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| CUTE little leather bee booties. |
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| Miscellaneous outfits, pj's, snacks, and some treats for the foster family (coffees, organic chocolates and caramels, and Christmas-themed kitchen goodies. |
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| Latest care package with lots of snacks, pants and three tops, a toy, and even a copy of our CD. :-) |
Of course, we wish WE could be there with Desmond instead of just sending him packages; but I have to say, it makes me feel a teeny bit better knowing that I can at least do that much. Plus, it's just SO fun shopping for him! I used to think that nobody made anything cute for little boys - I was WRONG! So many companies cater to the little man now. I'm looking forward to possibly finding some time to slip away after Christmas to snatch up some holiday sales for Des as well.
I hope you are happy and well wherever you are in the world. We have a busy Christmas planned...Mr. C and I have been taking care of my sister, W, who is a catamenial epileptic. She will be seeing a specialist soon to finally see about getting her ovaries removed to stop the seizures. We're all very excited, but her appointment is the day after Christmas; so, it's pretty hectic considering that mom still has home health care post stem-cell transplant and just got back from a 3-week stint back at the CTCA for a case of pretty severe GvHD (graft vs. host disease). Also, on the 9th of January, my other sister, M, will be having her tonsils and adenoids removed - FUN TIMES all around! But seriously, it is great that so much forward movement is happening on the health front in my family. I'm feeling very hopeful and grateful and blessed.
Love and (((HUGS))),
*mandie*
My heart and mind are still reeling from the tragedy that occurred last Friday.
A mother shot by her mentally deranged son, who then targeted and killed many children and teachers at an elementary school before taking his own life.
Tragic. Terrible. Heart-wrenching. Disgusting. Painful. Horrific. Nightmarish.
Words are never enough, are they? That's how I've been feeling; that's why I've been silent. What can I say? No, words are never enough in the aftermath of tragedies like these.
But many people seem to have plenty to say. Mostly about gun laws - pro or con. This has sparked a massive controversy in America as people on both sides of the fence and people like myself (somewhere between protecting our second amendment rights and making it harder for the mentally ill and unstable to obtain guns/ammo). And as the days go on, that seems to be the only topic of conversation coming out of this event.
Sure, there are those photo collages popping up here and there on F*cebook; and they all have thousands, perhaps even hundreds of thousands, of "likes", don't they? All those bright, young, beautiful faces staring back from a computer screen, perhaps with a name typed above or below them; but more often than not it's guns we are talking about, and not these selfless and brave teachers and innocent children whose lives were stolen in an instant by a madman.
After any act of violence, I agree that it is right and good to examine ourselves and how we stand as a people and society. But in this instance, I find myself exhausted of the use of these students' and teachers' lives being used as fodder for political agenda.
All I can think about is the endless amounts of empty chairs there will be this holiday season for the families of these victims. All I can think about are the presents with children's names on the tags that will remain forever unopened. All I can think about is the gaping hole in the hearts of the mothers and fathers and husbands and wives and children of these lives so senselessly wasted. The magic of the holiday season is going to be a whole lot dimmer this year for these families; and my heart doesn't just break, it twists and moans and stretches and bleeds for them.
If we want to discuss something, it should mental health - that of the many perpetrators of violent crimes every day in this country as well as that of those friends and family left behind in the wake of this horrific crime. What are we doing for them? For both sets of them? Obviously, not enough for the one...hopefully, an over-flowing of support and resources for the other.
Someone on F*cebook said that "prayers and hugging won't help; so stop repeating these things" concerning the Newtown, CT tragedy. Well, I disagree. I have personally witnessed the power of prayer over and over and over again (I also know how much relief and comfort a well-timed bear hug can offer).
So, please know that if you are reading this, and you will be facing an empty chair this holiday season at your get-togethers, your parties, your family dinners, etc. I will be praying for you and your heart. I will be praying for peace to somehow, someway hold you together and comfort your body, mind, and soul as you weather this treacherous storm of emotions and try to put together the pieces of lives ripped apart by sudden and tragic loss. May LOVE and HAPPY MEMORIES forever fill those empty spaces this holiday season and always.
All the Love in the Universe,
*mandie*
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