At the end of TS Eliot's poem The Waste Land, he repeats one word three times "shantih, shantih, shantih" or "peace, peace, peace". When I was in college, one of my English professors translated "shantih" (or "shanti") as "the peace that passes all understanding, pax, and shalom", making a sort of Biblical reference from the Hindi word. I have it tattooed on my right wrist to remind myself to slow down, calm down, and let go.
I've been asked several times lately how I can be so peaceful when I'm battling something like infertility. This makes me laugh, because most of these people have obviously not been witness to the "not-so-peaceful" times of recent past. Peace has not been an innate personality trait for me, but rather a journey...one that I'm nowhere near close to completing; and honestly, I'm fine with that.
Since the adoption and infertility conferences, I haven't really had a chance to write a personal update on where Mr. C and I are emotionally and beyond. In short, we've decided that if this medicated cycle didn't/doesn't work; then, we're done with TTC. I know to a lot of people that may seem strange. While we've only been TTC with meds for 6 months, we've been dealing with infertility and PCOS since we were married. In October, we will be married 3 years. That's a long time to be struggling with something as emotionally and financially draining as IF. Physically, I'm exhausted. My body is so tired of the injections, pills, suppositories, and constant ultrasounds. I've endured muscle twitches/spasms, night sweats, cramps galore, timed sex (yes, very romantic), IUI, an HSG, biopsies, nausea, and more...all of this and I haven't even gotten pregnant! Mr. C and I have just come to the conclusion that it's not worth it anymore.
With all the money we've spent thus far this year alone, we could be more than half-way through an adoption. It's a sobering thought. Which is why we've decided that adoption is the way to go. We're wary to get back into adoption after our past experiences, but the new agency we're looking into seems to be very stable; and the program(s) we're thinking about are Hague accredited, which has set our minds (and hearts) at ease.
If you read my blog, you know that I recently started going to Dr. L for acupuncture. He had warned me that many times when he treats women for IF that their cycles reset. After Thursday's session, I had slight spotting; luckily that's all it was, so this cycle isn't totally lost. I've decided, though, to stick with Dr. L and continue acupuncture to get my PCOS under control no matter what (TTC or not TTC). I'm sad about leaving Dr. S's care, I really feel like we've become friends through this process; but I know that the next step for us is IVF anyway; which Dr. S's office doesn't offer to begin with.
It's hard to say exactly what has caused all of the stress and desperation to leave my heart, but it has. I think maybe a lot of it has to do with the many brave women who shared their battles with IF at the adoption conference last Friday. Sitting in a room with all of these lovely couples just like us reminded me that there is so much more to life than TTC and having children. My infertility is a part of me, but it doesn't define me. PCOS has changed me, but it hasn't distorted my soul. Only I can allow it to affect me in these ways, and I simply cannot allow that to happen. Sometimes the strongest action is inaction or letting go. So, I'm letting go of trying to have a biological child.
Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I'm not sad. It doesn't mean I have to like the fact that I have PCOS and IF. It doesn't mean that I'm going to forget everything and suddenly live in a state of constant bliss. That's simply not the case at all. I'm still upset. I'm still angry at times. I still feel a slight bitter twinge when I see pregnant women pass me in the store or on the street. I still question God every now and then. Like the quote above says, peace isn't about the absence of chaos (or chaotic emotions); but to somehow remain calm deep in your heart. No matter what the future holds, I feel that God has truly set me on a course for fulfillment and peace.
Hey everyone! I need to update on here badly, but for the time being I thought I'd share with you all the first of my new video series that I've started on Youtube. The series is going to focus on different stages of a medicated cycle and walk couples through some of the more difficult "challenges" (such as giving yourself a sub-q fsh shot).
I have to give credit to Dr. S for giving me the idea at the infertility conference this weekend - seeing really is so much better than just reading and looking at step-by-step photos! I'll post more about the conference, and where Mr. C and I are emotionally after the fact; but for now, enjoy the video (sorry, it all got a bit squatty when I compressed it - ugh!) and tell your friends who are needing encouragement about this subject to stop by and see that it CAN be done!
I had my f/s this morning, and it turns out I'm pretty much entirely Femara resistant. All I can do now is laugh; so I am - HAHAHA! I had no (and I mean no) measurable follicles. Boo! However, my lining was a fabulous 8.6. At least the Femara didn't wreck that like Clomid did! See, there's always a positive side to every possibly bad situation!
Of course, this means I'm back to good, old Bravelle injections for the next five days; but that's okay, I'm really getting good at those. I don't feel the needle go in at all (I've got a little side-angle technique I use *ahem* :), and the burning sensation I used to get when I pushed the Bravelle in doesn't really occur anymore (I guess I'm just getting used to it).
I took our little Scottie dog, Eagan, to the vet today; and he had much more luck than I did. He was free and clear of any infections, and only has one more pill to take before he's officially deemed "healed". So, that was good news!
This afternoon, I made the trip to see Dr. L, my new acupuncturist. He was fabulous! We didn't get to do too much (I didn't know I was supposed to bring my paperwork from Dr. S with me - oops!); but it was just really nice to have a doctor who understands PCOS right off the bat. I hate having to explain and defend myself to people in the medical community; which is why I like Dr. S so much - he gets it. And I think Dr. L is going to get it too. In short, I'm super excited to start the "real" treatments. Today, he just tested the energy flow through my meridians. My "overall" energy level was 82; which he said was "fabulous". The over-achiever in me was proud. Ha! I did, however, have one imbalance in my heart area, one area of low energy (can't remember where that was), and one area of over-active energy in the intestine area; which, not surprisingly, can manifest with infertility and screwed up hormones. *le sigh* Of course!
Tomorrow night, Mr. C and I are going to a conference for couples struggling with IF in our area. It's called Your Journey, and it's split into two days focusing on different subjects. The first is tomorrow night, and will be focusing on adoption after struggling with IF. The second, is Saturday morning through afternoon and deals with IF and different treatment options and types of IF factors. Dr. S and Dr. L are both speaking on Saturday morning; so, we weren't going to go (what could they tell me that they haven't already in hours of consults and examinations?). But now, Dr. L has told me that two of the other doctors speaking only do IVF in their clinics. If we are heading that direction, it would be good to hear what they have to say...I'm trying to decide if I should sign us up for that one now too. Hmmmm...........???
Above all, I'm really looking forward to being the same room with a bunch of other couples who have struggled/are struggling with IF. I know that sounds slightly morbid almost, but I am honestly glad that I will be able to look into all these other faces, all these other eyes, and see that they too have been hurting, struggling, paying tons of cash, praying like crazy, and hoping against hope. I CANNOT wait for that! COMMUNITY!
Tomorrow is another follicle study, but my first follicle study on Femara/Letrozole. I'm really looking forward to seeing how this helps things. A lot of girls find Femara to be their "miracle drug" when Clomid and injects have failed them; I'm believing and thanking God in advance that this is so.
A few hours after my f/s, I am going to be visiting Dr. L, an acupuncturist and chiropractor who specializes in IF and women's health issues. I'm really looking forward to this acupuncture session! Many of the girls on Soul Cysters have raved about their appointments, saying that they at least helped them relax and relieved some of the stress of IF and TTC and at best helped contribute to their follicle and lining growth. Either way, it sounds like a winning situation!
I'm going into the rest of this cycle with a lot of hope and anticipation. God is truly able to work miracles; I know he can work one in my life too!
Tomorrow (which is really only about an hour and a half away) marks my third decade of life on this planet. Time really does fly. I can honestly say, though, that I don't feel a day over 18; and for that, I'm grateful.
I was telling Mr. C tonight that my birthday coming up has reminded me that I've spent a great deal of time lately being sad and upset and angry for large chunks of time, when really I have so much to be joyful about. So much to be grateful for.
It's true. My mom just found out she is officially 2 years cancer free. HOORAY! My sister, W, hasn't had a seizure in well over a month. HOORAY! My other sister, M, had a successful lumpectomy. HOORAY! What's more, I have a fabulous husband who loves and adores me - how did I snag such a kind, brilliant, sexy man? I'm so lucky to be able to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate! I have the cutest (and NO, I'm no biased, he just really is the cutest) dog in the whole world who lets me love on him and fawn all over him and cry into his fur when I'm having a bad day. My dad, mom, sisters, friends, husband...I am so blessed to have them in my life and feel their love!
Yes, I have PCOS; and it's caused some issues for me - infertility to pre-cancer, weight gain to acne, possible insulin resistance to increased health risks...it's true. But, I'm so tired of focusing on the negative. I refuse to live like that. All of my symptoms could be a LOT worse. I'm humbled by God's grace and mercy...I have prayed for protection, and he rained down favor upon me and kept me safe. Even when I felt alone and abandoned, he was there, carrying me through. What a powerful and magnificent daddy-God I have. I will never be able to worship and praise him enough...even as I will for all eternity in heaven.
God has big plans for me...for all of us. I can either allow myself to focus on what I do not have, or I can focus on what I do have. I can either let my troubles weigh me down until I cannot walk, or I can cast off the cares of this life and choose to pull myself up and continue walking, continue fighting. I choose to fight. I choose to live and to live happy and blessed.
In just a while, I will be 30/3-0/thirty. I just know that this year is going to be over-flowing with amazing blessings and gifts from God! I feel a whole lifetime of God's compassion welling up inside of my soul.
Today is CD2, and I had my baseline with Dr. S this morning. I went in feeling pretty hopeful, actually; and I was not disappointed. That's not to say that we heard fantastic news or anything, just that I feel like we got a very honest, straight-forward answer that is leading us toward our future decisions.
As I wrote previously, my p4 (7 DPO progesterone) blood work came back at an 8. You'll read all over the Internet and in books and in online forums for IF, varying numbers for what a "good" p4 result is and what the numbers mean for possible pregnancy. I had been told time and again that if you don't show up higher than "10", you're out. No embryo could survive with less progesterone, yet it happens every day. So, what's the truth?
Dr. S explained to us that progesterone is just the last "step" on the journey for a woman's cycle (which I knew, but hadn't really thought of properly). The only reason progesterone shows up is because follicles with eggs inside were stimulate properly, they released properly, and they in turn created progesterone properly. Without the first few steps, progesterone cannot even be created, let alone be of any good quality.
Essentially, Dr. S thinks that the issue isn't just that I have "low progesterone"; but rather that perhaps I'm not stimming good quality follies that are therefore able to ovulate well. Once he explained it, a light-bulb clicked in my head; it all made sense. So, this means we needed to re-evaluate what meds I was on to start everything in the first place. Last cycle I used nothing but Bravelle injects to stim, but they took a long time and they seemed to produce a less than desirable result. Clomid, while it did stimulate follicle growth, wrecked my lining so badly, not even estradiol suppositories could help it out. So we're moving on to Letrozole. Letrozole is not an estrogen blocker, but rather an aromatase inhibitor; so, it shouldn't damage my lining while stimulating follicles (*fingers crossed*). Then, I will supplement this treatment with Bravelle injects and estradiol suppositories. My next f/s will be Thursday, the 19th; so, hopefully we'll see some good results then!
Dr. S did say, however, that he wanted to be honest with us and tell us that we could be on the road to IVF. We kind of knew this was coming, and we've been preparing as much as we can (emotionally, financially, research-wise, etc.). Luckily, I have a friend from high school who has gone through IVF twice now who has been passing on some good advice; unluckily Dr. S's office does NOT offer IVF services. We would have to travel to Little Rock, Arkansas to do this. Little Rock is several hours away. Our lives have already been disrupted by our bi-weekly jaunts to Springfield (45 minutes away); I can't imagine what hours on the road will be like. *le sigh*
I really never thought we'd get to the point where IVF was our only viable option (or the most obvious option); but then again, I can't say it surprises me. We made a decision a while ago that if we were going to go down this path of TTC full-force, then we were going to fight as long and as hard as we could. We were going to do everything possible and go until we could go no more. Then, if we've tried everything and we're still left with nothing, we will at least have the peace of mind that we tried and fought and didn't give up until the bitter end.
I'm so blessed (beyond belief) to have Mr. C at my side. I don't have a huge support system through all of this; so, I just thank God every single day for sending me this man who doesn't shy away from sadness, pain, and struggle; but stands up boldly next to me and steadies us both for the fight ahead. I am so lucky!
At the end of our meeting with Dr. S I have to say that I felt extremely peaceful. I know that it sounds strange to say that, but I really feel as though at least now we know exactly what we're up against...if not this cycle, then we have only one door left open: IVF. Odd as it seems, I'm slightly comforted by that.
On a side note, I bought two books recently The PCOS Diet Plan: A Natural Approach to Health for Women with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and PCOS and Your Fertility. I haven't started reading the second one, but the first one (by registered dietician, Hillary Wright of Boston IVF, the most successful IVF clinic in the nation) is (so far) fabulous! I'm learning much more about PCOS; which really just means I'm learning that pretty much nobody really understands it or knows exactly how to treat it 100%. Dr. S thinks Boston IVF is very reliable; so, he was pretty positive that whatever Ms. Wright said would be trustworthy. Following the book's suggestion (and what I was doing before pretty much anyway), I've gotten into exercising pretty hard again; and I'm going to be a little more "hard-core" about my diet. I'm going to try to stick to Ms. Wright's suggestion of a 30:40:30 diet (relations of proteins:carbs:fats). It's a carb reduction diet, without being as restrictive as the Atkins Diet; which I think is too restrictive and unrealistic for true life, day-to-day realities.
So, that's where we find ourselves today. It's not exactly where I'd like to be, but at least it's an answer. I'm not putting much into this cycle...it will be whatever it will be...all I can do is pray and keep on keepin' on.
So, I finally got my p4 (progesterone) results back from Monday: a scant "8". Don't get me wrong, I realize that anything above "4" means you've ovulated; but I also realize that 8 is not exactly a good number for indicating pregnancy. I've been told many times that 7 DPO progesterone results don't always indicate pregnancy (or not), but honestly, I think these people are just trying to make me feel better since progesterone is created by the fertilized egg and then by the implanted embryo later...so, why wouldn't progesterone indicate pregnancy? I think it would.
What does this mean? Essentially, it means that most likely this cycle failed. Another failure. Which means in about 4 days we'll be back to square one...againagainagainagainagain.
I honestly burst into tears when I heard the p4 result. I just cannot believe it. I had a GREAT chance this cycle, everyone agreed on this. We had done injects for 12 days straight. I had stimmed at least 2 if not 4 follicles. We didn't trigger until CD 16, giving the eggs enough time to really mature and develop properly, we did an IUI with great sperm counts and motility on CD 18...I did everything right. I did everything in my power. I prayed to God. I believed he would help us. But here I am, weeping onto my laptop keyboard for the umpteenth time; and I haven't even started my period yet!
It's going to be a looooong wait for her to show up. I am dreading it double-time, because my family's going to be down to visit and celebrate my 30th birthday (yes, the big one) on Tuesday; and I will most likely be two days into my next cycle. It will be a very difficult birthday, indeed. I'm trying not to think about it, actually. Hopefully, I can just emotionally disengage like my friend M suggests. I hope we both succeed.
When talking to Mr. C today about my results, we both decided we can't take much more of this. "This" being the emotions, the sadness, the money, the time, the stolen opportunities and so much more. We've decided that we are going to talk to Dr. S about things on Wednesday (we're assuming that's when we'll go in to see him), and really get into what's going on (or what might be going on). We've decided we are, after all, going to apply to ATTAIN IVF (a program which provides loans to couples for their IVF procedures; which are VERY pricey, and gives them back 75% of their cash if they do not succeed in bringing home a baby). I never, ever thought we'd get to this point; but here we are.
Here we are.
Stranded.
I cannot believe that God leaves so many of us to struggle. I don't understand what I'm supposed to be learning. Yes, I am angry at him today. I don't know how much harder I can pray, what else I can possibly do...I just don't know. Most days, I try really hard to be positive and hopeful and to pass that along to others, but I am at a loss today, I'm sorry. I wish I were a stronger person, but I guess the lesson in all of this is that I'm really not.
All I can say is, THANK GOD for my husband and all the girls on the infertility boards at Soul Cysters! Without the daily out-pouring of love and support from these people (astonishingly most of whom I don't even know IRL!), I would have jumped a cliff many moons ago. I am so grateful for community. I am so grateful to be struggling alongside these strong women who somehow get up and make it through each day while heavy hearts threaten to pull them to the ground. Wow, what an honor! So inspiring to see such strength and beauty in the midst of such tremendous heartache.
I need to get back to work, but I really needed to get this off my chest...I'm feeling pretty terrible right now. But I know that somehow I'll pull through and get right back on the "horse" again tomorrow...somehow, somehow...
One of my "cysters" from Soul Cysters posted a link to this wonderful infertility blog called Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed. The post today was fabulous, asking the card companies and flower shops and churches and society in general to not forget those of us who are childless on Mother's Day, but not by choice.
As I roamed around this woman's fantastic blog, I noticed she had won a video award from RESOLVE in 2010. Being a former audio/visual production major, I had to check it out. Here it is:
You can see why she won; it's amazing! I'm always so inspired by women like this who take IF "to the streets", so to speak. Those willing to share their own heartache in order to trumpet a cause that has injured so many hearts, lives, marriages, friendships, self-esteems and more.
I hope you all had a lovely Mother's Day...it went by surprisingly fast for me; and I'm really grateful for that. We skipped church after all, not wanting to hear another sermon about mothers or have to skirt around the receiving line of single roses being passed out to moms. Instead, we went to our niece's graduation open house and stayed for 5 1/2 hours! It was great to just hang out and talk and eat good food.
I just keep telling myself that maybe next year it will all be different...maybe next year...
There is probably no day on the calendar that is more bittersweet for infertile women than Mother's Day...
Tomorrow, May 8th, is Mother's Day here in America...a celebration of mothers and all of the good that they can represent - kindness, tenderness, selfless love, devotion. We all have mothers (even if we don't know our biological ones, we have them, and probably have adopted mothers or female figures who seem like mothers); and we should all honor and uplift them whenever possible. So, on one hand, tomorrow is a good day. A day to celebrate where we came from, someone who loved us, and a person who (literally) gave us life.
On the other hand, there is the blatant reminder that, as an infertile woman, you are not being honored. There's no one to love and dote upon; so there's no one to be grateful and say thanks. There are no cards. No balloons. No luncheons. No flowers. All of these are replaced with teary eyes, a sunken heart, and a throat clenched to stifle sobs that threaten to burst forth at every little smile and hug and kiss going on around you.
Church is the worst. There is always a sermon about motherhood and how it is ordained by God. How mothers are both blessed and blessings. How God loves mothers; and, of course, how his own mother, Mary, was the most blessed mother of all.
This always makes me feel as though God has left me out. How God has somehow forgotten about me. If he loves mothers and motherhood, then why doesn't he answer my prayers to join that great sorority?
Now, in reality I know God hasn't forgotten me, but on Mother's Day it's just hard. There's no other way to say it. It's just hard.
This year I'm lucky, because our niece is graduating high school on Tuesday; so, tomorrow her mom is throwing an open house. We'll go right after church; so, I'll have a gathering to go to that isn't centered on motherhood, or my lack thereof.
To all of you mothers out there, I wish you a very happy Mother's Day full of love, laughter, fun, family, and friends!
To all of you not-yet-mothers out there....BIG (((HUGS))) to you! I'm praying that next year will be different for all of us.
I debated on whether to "test out the trigger" this time around. This is where you essentially POAS after the ovulation trigger shot (mine is Ovidrel, see photo below, but Novarel is very common as well) to see if it's "gone" from your system. You can do this daily starting at 1 DP (day{s} past) the shot or just pick a day to start, like 7 DP trigger or so.
Since the trigger shot is pure HCG (the pregnancy hormone), you will show positive on an HPT (home pregnancy test) for about 6-10 days after you take it (some women take even longer, though!). The longest it's ever remained in my system was 10 days, but the past few cycles, it's been gone by 7 DP trigger.
So, I went ahead and tested today with one of my extra-sensitive early pregnancy tests. It was gone! So, anything from here on out can be relied upon as being "real".
This is what my Ovidrel trigger shots look like. Unlike the Bravelle FSH shots, the Ovidrel comes in a pre-filled syringe; which is kind of nice. No need to mix the meds and fill the syringe myself like the Bravelle. *thumbs up*
For some reason, seeing the BFN on the HPT today really bummed me out. I know that seeing a BFN was the whole point of testing today - to make sure the trigger's out of my system - still, I couldn't help but be reminded of all the BFN's I've seen so many times before. *le sigh*
I'm only just 5 DPiui today...most likely implantation hasn't even occurred yet (I'm talking optimistically here, as if it's going to happen! :-). So, there's really no reason for me to feel so down; but I just do.
I'm going to go jump on the treadmill and try to forget about it all for a while...
To make matters worse, our sweet, little Scottie dog, Eagan, had an infected anal gland (yes, it's as GROSS as it sounds); so he had to go to the vet bright and early this morning to get that taken care of. It's not pretty...there was blood everywhere, and he literally screamed in pain (dogs CAN scream) when the vet "expressed" the infection out. Poor little guy. So, now, he's got to take a bunch of antibiotics (he had a fever on top of everything) and wear a diaper (he's not very happy about this!).
Here's our sweet boy napping on his pillow with his cool reusable diaper on (well, we think it's cool, he doesn't really care for it too much) in our office today.
I'm just hoping and praying every day that this is our cycle! This has got to be the most stressful 2ww I've experienced yet...probably because it seems as though this has been our best chance to date, and also because we are nearing the end of our ability to keep trying financially. If this cycle doesn't work, we might be able to do one more go of it; but that will probably be it. So, lots of stress and fear and sadness has been floating around our house, even though we're just trying to pray and believe through it all that we won't get to that point!
My family is coming down next week, and I'd love to have good news to share...we'll just have to wait and see.
Okay, this has nothing to do with TTC; I realize that. But, lately I've been (dare I say it) regretting a few of my tattoos. I never thought I'd be saying this, but it's just how I've been feeling.
I want to say that I'm a big fan of tattoos, and I have six of them. They all have specific meanings to me, and I have enjoyed having them. Recently, though, I started thinking about getting back into theater; and as I started searching for good tattoo cover-up makeup, I began to think that it would just be easier to get rid of them, rather than consistently cover them up.
This is a huge decision. I realize that. So, I'm taking things really slowly. I've only just begun researching cover-up kits and just found a laser removal center in Springfield that I'm considering having a consultation with sometime. I would, of course, wait to do anything until after the baby came (if we're pg); so, this isn't something that will happen immediately, but might begin next year or so.
All of this has made me nostalgic for my tattoos. So, I'm going to post some pictures of my ink...here they are!
Tattoo of my band's logo (without the heart being "broken") on my left forearm. This is one I'm considering having lasered off.
First tattoo I ever got when I was 19 on my lower, right back. A sacred heart with the Latin quote "tolle saxum et eo ego est" ("Lift a rock, and I am there." from the Gospel of St. Thomas).
"Shanti" (Sanskrit for "peace") just above my right wrist. I might laser this and have something put in its place.
Date my sister was diagnosed with an AVM on her brain under my left breast.
Rosary on my left foot/ankle.
Old school owl (made to look like an old school sparrow) with a banner reading "Anything lost may be found if sought." Which is a slight summary of a quote from Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene saying, "For there is nothing lost that may be found if lost." This is probably my most beautiful tattoo, but I am thinking of having it lasered; because it is the most prominent and least easy to cover.
Again, I'm in the very early stages of deciding what to do; in a way, it makes me quite sad to even think of doing this. On the other hand, I feel that it is the right thing to do for my future...
What about you? Do you have "tattoo remorse"? Any tattoos that you have considered removing or covering up? Or, are you totally in love with all of your ink? I'm so torn right now; I don't even know what to think!
So, our first (and hopefully LAST) IUI was this morning at 8 a.m.; and I can say that it was a smashing success! Hooray!
Being early on a Sunday morning, traffic was relatively light; so, we made our 45-minute journey in about 30 minutes flat (if not a little less). This is good since you really need to get a man's sample to the lab within 1/2 an hour of collecting it.
Everyone was waiting for us when we got there, ready to go! The lab tech took Mr. C's cup and began the washing process (this took about 20-30 minutes). Then, Dr. S came in with "goods" in hand (well, in a syringe with a catheter attached, in hand, that is!). He said that Mr. C's count (# of sperm in the collection) was 50 million (ie: FABULOUS!) with 80% motility (again: FABULOUS!); so, he was really pleased. He said that the combination of Mr. C's good #'s and my two fully mature follies and great endo lining (thickened to 10 at last f/s) gave us a great chance this cycle. Woo!
This catheter was MUCH kinder than the one used during my HSG; I didn't even feel this one go in, thank GOD! The procedure was done in about 10 seconds, then I had to lie back on the exam table with my bottom propped up on an incline for about 1/2 an hour. After that, I was given some extra info and released.
I go in for my p4 (progesterone) b/w levels on Monday the 9th, then a week or so after that I can take a HPT. And this time, I'm not even going to test out the trigger! I'm seriously going to wait the whole two weeks before testing! *promise*
So, that's it. All in all, it's been a great day. Mr. C and I have high hopes for this cycle! Thanks again to everyone for all of the good thoughts and prayers and hope you've poured out upon us! We are SO appreciative, and we can never repay you properly. Just know that we are grateful.
I'm an Irish dual-citizen - a writer, musician, and artist dealing with infertility, international adoption, and loss due to cancer. I try to be as open and honest about my life journey as possible in hopes that my experiences with both sadness and joy will somehow help others.
After battling infertility and loss for four years, my husband and I were matched with a beautiful baby boy born 1/2 a world away.
Desmond was born in December of 2011 across the ocean; and we are eagerly awaiting the day we hear we can travel to his beautiful birth country to bring him home for good.
In March of 2013, we lost my mother after a long battle with Philadelphia positive, adult, acute lympoblastic leukemia. She was cancer-free, but her new immune system could not fight the infections she contracted. It was a terrible blow to my entire family; and I am heart-broken that my son will never know her here on this earth.
Even in the midst of pain and suffering, God continues to bless us and guide us on our journey to parenthood; and we can't wait to see how He will continue to open doors for us and blow our minds with his far-reaching and unfailing LOVE - it is furious!
Visit our adoption website www.lovesplosion.com to order our "LOVE WINS" t-shirts or donate to help us bring our precious wee one HOME! We are so grateful for all of those who can bless us in this way; so, THANK YOU!
Thanks for stopping by; your prayers and support are so very appreciated!
and 
. I haven't started reading the second one, but the first one (by registered dietician, Hillary Wright of Boston IVF, the most successful IVF clinic in the nation) is (so far) fabulous! I'm learning much more about PCOS; which really just means I'm learning that pretty much nobody really understands it or knows exactly how to treat it 100%. Dr. S thinks Boston IVF is very reliable; so, he was pretty positive that whatever Ms. Wright said would be trustworthy. Following the book's suggestion (and what I was doing before pretty much anyway), I've gotten into exercising pretty hard again; and I'm going to be a little more "hard-core" about my diet. I'm going to try to stick to Ms. Wright's suggestion of a 30:40:30 diet (relations of proteins:carbs:fats). It's a carb reduction diet, without being as restrictive as 
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