Sadness: an update

I'm sure many of you have been wondering why I haven't written a blog lately specifically about the adoption or the process or how things are going.  Honestly, I've been trying to keep myself positive; but last week broke me down.

We had been trying to save up bit by bit for the different steps along the path of this adoption.  If we hadn't moved in the midst of this, none of this would be an issue, really; but a new house and everything that goes inside it to make it a home has truly taken a toll on our finances.  It doesn't mean that the adoption is off, but that it was going slower than we had hoped.

I will only say this once, and I want to be perfectly frank that I do not talk about the money side of adoption to whine or complain; but only to let people know how expensive it is so you can know what we're going through.  All children "cost" their parents money, adoption is just more expensive on the front-end of things - end of story.  My cousin said she and her husband had looked in adopting from Ethiopia, and she was surprised how "cheap" it was - she said she thought it was $4,500.  I didn't correct her, but that is not even close to the total amount Ethiopian (or any adoption) costs with ANY agency.  Total, we will be paying close to $30,000 for this adoption.  That is the last time you will ever see me write it out ever again.  Our thought was, we can either pay the $20,000 to cover IVF (in-vitro fertilization) which is not a "sure thing"; or we can pay a little more for a definite reward (child) at the end of the process.  We went with the definite.

So, finances have had a big part in this.  We are actually waiting to hear back from the bank if we will receive a loan from them tomorrow (Monday, the 13th).  If no, we will have to give up the adoption entirely.  If yes, we will be moving forward; in what fashion, I cannot tell you.

This next part might anger some people/families who are in the adoption process with Ethiopia, but I'm going to write it anyway...it's what I've been feeling, and I think it needs to be said.

I follow a blog written by an adoptive mommy living in London, England who has two beautiful, twins (boy and girl) from Ethiopia.  I love reading her posts, because she is very honest and doesn't beat around the bush on matters of adoption and things that others try to candy-coat or make shiny when they're not. (Note: She and her husband adopted after a long bout with infertility.)

Recently, she wrote a blog answering a question a friend of hers asked about "why it takes so long to adopt a child from Ethiopia" (the wait is now a year and a half for a healthy infant).  What she said surprised and shocked me at first almost to the point of anger, then it sunk in and the reality hit me:

There is such a long wait, because there is not a need for the adoption of healthy infants in Ethiopia.  As in, people want to adopt healthy, infants from Ehtipoia but not toddlers or older children who may or may not have diseases such as HIV, syphilis, and tuberculosis; therefore, the "demand" is beginning to outweigh the "supply".

She quoted a story often used in adoption circles about a young man taking the time to throw starfish back into the ocean one by one when thousands are stranded on the shore.  An older gentleman asks him, "Why bother...there are too many to save them all, what does it matter?"  And the young man says, "It matters to this one" as he throws the one he's holding into the ocean again and back to safety.

It's a touching story, indeed.  But when used in terms of adopting healthy infants from Ethiopia it shouldn't be used as an analogy.  Now, this only applies to HEALTHY INFANTS, mind you.  I am not (nor was she, the other blogger) speaking of adoption of older children or special needs children from Ethiopia!

At first, I was outraged by what she said.  "So, essentially she is saying, you shouldn't adopt.  There's no real need!  How dare she!"  But in all honesty, she is right in the case of healthy babies from Ethiopia.

Here's what is happening. We've been told by mass media and elsewhere that there is a MASSIVE, over-whelming need for adoption in Ethiopia; so, people (especially those in churches where "orphan ministry" is widely pushed) with good hearts but who are able to have biological children of their own sign up to adopt.  They "get in line" so to speak.  And the line grows and grows and grows...

The sad thing about it is that for people like myself and my husband and many, MANY other couples struggling with infertility, it makes our wait for just one child longer and longer and longer.  The line continues to grow and grow.

If this were not true, the wait would not be nearly two years.  They would have babies out the wa-zoo to place in loving homes; but they don't.  These "needy babies" don't exist.  They just don't. There's no such things as "saving a beautiful, healthy baby orphan" in Ethiopia.  They're not there.

The stats go that for all of the millions of orphans in the world, only about 1% will ever be adopted, and this is entirely true.  But if couples who can have children want to help increase that percentage, adopting a healthy baby from Ethiopia isn't going to make a difference.  It's the children who are older or who have special needs who will never see a home.  The rest of us are standing in line (an ever-increasing, very looooong line) waiting for a baby to born, given up/found by the adoption agency/etc., and matched with them.  There is no such thing as rows of healthy babies languishing in orphanages in Ethiopia...there are far too many people waiting anxiously in countries like America for them to wait long for a home.

The reality hit me while reading the other blogger's words that she was entirely right.  Not only have my husband and I had to endure two years of heart-wrenching infertility, but now we are in line behind literally thousands of couples (many who can have children biologically) who are possibly taking our chance to be parents away from us again.  What do I mean?  Well, the rules in Ethiopia keep changing day by day.  The courts have shut down twice this year alone.  You know what other internal adoption program this is sounding like?  China.  You know how long their wait is now?  Eight years.  And it's pretty much completely shut down for good anyway now for exactly the same reason: supply cannot meet demand.

You can hate me if you want, but I don't care.  If you can have biological children and you are adopting a healthy baby from Ethiopia I seriously don't think it's fair that you be considered before someone like myself who is not able to have children.  I think it sucks, actually.

My only chance to be placed with a child sooner is to take on the responsibility of a special needs child or adopt an older child.  This will be our first child.  We would love to have the full experience of having a baby - knowing what it's like to change diapers and rock them to sleep and just have as much time with them as possible - just once - at least once in my life, I'd like to be the mom to a baby, a little baby, under a year old.  I realize I may not be that lucky when we adopt #2, but I'd love to have that chance just once.  I see all of my friends with their newborn babies, and I want as close to that tenderness as possible...so, for me, adopting a toddler or old child right now, is just not what I desire.  We are already willing to accept several special needs that I will not discuss here on this blog; so, perhaps that will work in our favor.

In short, the other blogger was saying that if you are adopting because you truly and desperately want a child, that is one thing.  But if you are adopting  to "save a child from homelessness and a life as an orphan" don't; because there are already so many people in line for these children (again, ONLY speaking of healthy INFANTS from Ethiopia) that they WILL get adopted.

I know all of this sounds harsh and unfeeling.  I do not mean it to be.  The other blogger did not mean it to be.  But it honestly is true.  Am I saying "don't adopt".  No.  Am I saying "only adopt if you can't have biological children"?  Not that either.  I am touched by adoption very deeply.  My mother was adopted as were her two brothers and I have an adopted cousin.  I take adoption very seriously, and I think it's a beautiful way to add to or  start a family whether you have biological children or not (or whether you can or not); but at this point in time (I am not speaking of the past when the program first opened or the future, because who knows where it will end up/how it will go in Ethiopia) what the other blogger said about the Ethiopian program is true.  I think if you can adopt and have a heart for it, you most definitely should.  If your motivation is to be the parent of a child who needs you.  That's it.  All I'm saying is that perhaps it would be better to adopt one of the millions of babies/children in the US who need homes or perhaps one of the other international programs.  So why don't we?  Why am I "whining"?  Why don't I move on?  Well, we might be...

How does this play into our lives?  Well, in short, if the loan goes through (hopefully, we will know by tomorrow), then we will be adopting; but perhaps not how we expected.  We will either be staying in the Ethiopia program and waiting a year and a half, going to a new domestic program still with Gladney called "ABC" (this is where you are matched with a birth mom here in the United States and you adopt an African-American or bi-racial child of African-American and some other racial descent), or we will be switching to a brand new agency that has an international adoption program in the Congo (this is a new program in general, the Congo has just opened their doors to international adoption).

My heart is literally breaking.  I don't think I've cried so much in my entire life.  I just want to be a mom. After so much time not getting pregnant, I felt as though my option to have biological children was taken from me (at least to have the option would be nice); now, I feel as though my "option" to adopt is being severed from me as well.  I may sound overly-dramatic right now, but it's honestly how I feel.  I am so hurt.

We have been praying and believing that God will lead us in the right direction; and I can only hope daily that he places his hand upon my head and turns me where he will have be go.  I must believe this, or I will be right where I was when we were in the midst of battling infertility - full of sadness and despair.

I hope this has not offended anyone.  I have not meant for it to be offensive; but it is honest, I can promise you that.  I am grateful to the other blogger who wrote about this subject (I will not mention her name or blog, because she seemed to have gotten quite a bit of flack about writing on this subject, and she doesn't need any more from anyone else for merely being truthful and honest) for opening my eyes and making me realize the truth of the situation.  Again, please be aware all of this is in regards to the adoption of HEALTHY INFANTS FROM ETHIOPIA.  Neither of us are commenting on the adoption of older children or children of any age with any and all special needs or even the adoption of any aged children from any other programs both domestic and abroad.

I have nothing else to say today, really...I hope to be back to my old self soon - full of joy and hope on this journey toward motherhood.  I don't like feeling so down; I truly don't.

*mandie*