To Love a Rose: An Ethiopian Adoption Journal

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sadness: an update

I'm sure many of you have been wondering why I haven't written a blog lately specifically about the adoption or the process or how things are going.  Honestly, I've been trying to keep myself positive; but last week broke me down.

We had been trying to save up bit by bit for the different steps along the path of this adoption.  If we hadn't moved in the midst of this, none of this would be an issue, really; but a new house and everything that goes inside it to make it a home has truly taken a toll on our finances.  It doesn't mean that the adoption is off, but that it was going slower than we had hoped.

I will only say this once, and I want to be perfectly frank that I do not talk about the money side of adoption to whine or complain; but only to let people know how expensive it is so you can know what we're going through.  All children "cost" their parents money, adoption is just more expensive on the front-end of things - end of story.  My cousin said she and her husband had looked in adopting from Ethiopia, and she was surprised how "cheap" it was - she said she thought it was $4,500.  I didn't correct her, but that is not even close to the total amount Ethiopian (or any adoption) costs with ANY agency.  Total, we will be paying close to $30,000 for this adoption.  That is the last time you will ever see me write it out ever again.  Our thought was, we can either pay the $20,000 to cover IVF (in-vitro fertilization) which is not a "sure thing"; or we can pay a little more for a definite reward (child) at the end of the process.  We went with the definite.

So, finances have had a big part in this.  We are actually waiting to hear back from the bank if we will receive a loan from them tomorrow (Monday, the 13th).  If no, we will have to give up the adoption entirely.  If yes, we will be moving forward; in what fashion, I cannot tell you.

This next part might anger some people/families who are in the adoption process with Ethiopia, but I'm going to write it anyway...it's what I've been feeling, and I think it needs to be said.

I follow a blog written by an adoptive mommy living in London, England who has two beautiful, twins (boy and girl) from Ethiopia.  I love reading her posts, because she is very honest and doesn't beat around the bush on matters of adoption and things that others try to candy-coat or make shiny when they're not. (Note: She and her husband adopted after a long bout with infertility.)

Recently, she wrote a blog answering a question a friend of hers asked about "why it takes so long to adopt a child from Ethiopia" (the wait is now a year and a half for a healthy infant).  What she said surprised and shocked me at first almost to the point of anger, then it sunk in and the reality hit me:

There is such a long wait, because there is not a need for the adoption of healthy infants in Ethiopia.  As in, people want to adopt healthy, infants from Ehtipoia but not toddlers or older children who may or may not have diseases such as HIV, syphilis, and tuberculosis; therefore, the "demand" is beginning to outweigh the "supply".

She quoted a story often used in adoption circles about a young man taking the time to throw starfish back into the ocean one by one when thousands are stranded on the shore.  An older gentleman asks him, "Why bother...there are too many to save them all, what does it matter?"  And the young man says, "It matters to this one" as he throws the one he's holding into the ocean again and back to safety.

It's a touching story, indeed.  But when used in terms of adopting healthy infants from Ethiopia it shouldn't be used as an analogy.  Now, this only applies to HEALTHY INFANTS, mind you.  I am not (nor was she, the other blogger) speaking of adoption of older children or special needs children from Ethiopia!

At first, I was outraged by what she said.  "So, essentially she is saying, you shouldn't adopt.  There's no real need!  How dare she!"  But in all honesty, she is right in the case of healthy babies from Ethiopia.

Here's what is happening. We've been told by mass media and elsewhere that there is a MASSIVE, over-whelming need for adoption in Ethiopia; so, people (especially those in churches where "orphan ministry" is widely pushed) with good hearts but who are able to have biological children of their own sign up to adopt.  They "get in line" so to speak.  And the line grows and grows and grows...

The sad thing about it is that for people like myself and my husband and many, MANY other couples struggling with infertility, it makes our wait for just one child longer and longer and longer.  The line continues to grow and grow.

If this were not true, the wait would not be nearly two years.  They would have babies out the wa-zoo to place in loving homes; but they don't.  These "needy babies" don't exist.  They just don't. There's no such things as "saving a beautiful, healthy baby orphan" in Ethiopia.  They're not there.

The stats go that for all of the millions of orphans in the world, only about 1% will ever be adopted, and this is entirely true.  But if couples who can have children want to help increase that percentage, adopting a healthy baby from Ethiopia isn't going to make a difference.  It's the children who are older or who have special needs who will never see a home.  The rest of us are standing in line (an ever-increasing, very looooong line) waiting for a baby to born, given up/found by the adoption agency/etc., and matched with them.  There is no such thing as rows of healthy babies languishing in orphanages in Ethiopia...there are far too many people waiting anxiously in countries like America for them to wait long for a home.

The reality hit me while reading the other blogger's words that she was entirely right.  Not only have my husband and I had to endure two years of heart-wrenching infertility, but now we are in line behind literally thousands of couples (many who can have children biologically) who are possibly taking our chance to be parents away from us again.  What do I mean?  Well, the rules in Ethiopia keep changing day by day.  The courts have shut down twice this year alone.  You know what other internal adoption program this is sounding like?  China.  You know how long their wait is now?  Eight years.  And it's pretty much completely shut down for good anyway now for exactly the same reason: supply cannot meet demand.

You can hate me if you want, but I don't care.  If you can have biological children and you are adopting a healthy baby from Ethiopia I seriously don't think it's fair that you be considered before someone like myself who is not able to have children.  I think it sucks, actually.

My only chance to be placed with a child sooner is to take on the responsibility of a special needs child or adopt an older child.  This will be our first child.  We would love to have the full experience of having a baby - knowing what it's like to change diapers and rock them to sleep and just have as much time with them as possible - just once - at least once in my life, I'd like to be the mom to a baby, a little baby, under a year old.  I realize I may not be that lucky when we adopt #2, but I'd love to have that chance just once.  I see all of my friends with their newborn babies, and I want as close to that tenderness as possible...so, for me, adopting a toddler or old child right now, is just not what I desire.  We are already willing to accept several special needs that I will not discuss here on this blog; so, perhaps that will work in our favor.

In short, the other blogger was saying that if you are adopting because you truly and desperately want a child, that is one thing.  But if you are adopting  to "save a child from homelessness and a life as an orphan" don't; because there are already so many people in line for these children (again, ONLY speaking of healthy INFANTS from Ethiopia) that they WILL get adopted.

I know all of this sounds harsh and unfeeling.  I do not mean it to be.  The other blogger did not mean it to be.  But it honestly is true.  Am I saying "don't adopt".  No.  Am I saying "only adopt if you can't have biological children"?  Not that either.  I am touched by adoption very deeply.  My mother was adopted as were her two brothers and I have an adopted cousin.  I take adoption very seriously, and I think it's a beautiful way to add to or  start a family whether you have biological children or not (or whether you can or not); but at this point in time (I am not speaking of the past when the program first opened or the future, because who knows where it will end up/how it will go in Ethiopia) what the other blogger said about the Ethiopian program is true.  I think if you can adopt and have a heart for it, you most definitely should.  If your motivation is to be the parent of a child who needs you.  That's it.  All I'm saying is that perhaps it would be better to adopt one of the millions of babies/children in the US who need homes or perhaps one of the other international programs.  So why don't we?  Why am I "whining"?  Why don't I move on?  Well, we might be...

How does this play into our lives?  Well, in short, if the loan goes through (hopefully, we will know by tomorrow), then we will be adopting; but perhaps not how we expected.  We will either be staying in the Ethiopia program and waiting a year and a half, going to a new domestic program still with Gladney called "ABC" (this is where you are matched with a birth mom here in the United States and you adopt an African-American or bi-racial child of African-American and some other racial descent), or we will be switching to a brand new agency that has an international adoption program in the Congo (this is a new program in general, the Congo has just opened their doors to international adoption).

My heart is literally breaking.  I don't think I've cried so much in my entire life.  I just want to be a mom. After so much time not getting pregnant, I felt as though my option to have biological children was taken from me (at least to have the option would be nice); now, I feel as though my "option" to adopt is being severed from me as well.  I may sound overly-dramatic right now, but it's honestly how I feel.  I am so hurt.

We have been praying and believing that God will lead us in the right direction; and I can only hope daily that he places his hand upon my head and turns me where he will have be go.  I must believe this, or I will be right where I was when we were in the midst of battling infertility - full of sadness and despair.

I hope this has not offended anyone.  I have not meant for it to be offensive; but it is honest, I can promise you that.  I am grateful to the other blogger who wrote about this subject (I will not mention her name or blog, because she seemed to have gotten quite a bit of flack about writing on this subject, and she doesn't need any more from anyone else for merely being truthful and honest) for opening my eyes and making me realize the truth of the situation.  Again, please be aware all of this is in regards to the adoption of HEALTHY INFANTS FROM ETHIOPIA.  Neither of us are commenting on the adoption of older children or children of any age with any and all special needs or even the adoption of any aged children from any other programs both domestic and abroad.

I have nothing else to say today, really...I hope to be back to my old self soon - full of joy and hope on this journey toward motherhood.  I don't like feeling so down; I truly don't.

*mandie*

14 comments:

  1. Hang in there. I honestly believe in my heart that whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

    I struggle too because I never saw myself NOT being a mom. Now, I'm at a biological crossroads, and it's so hard. For many years, my dream was adopting from China. That's not possible now for single moms, even if I had the money to do it. It seems like the easiest thing in the world... to find someone to love, get married, and have babies. I hate things
    I can't control!

    I'm sorry about how things are going right now. You would make a wonderful mommy. I'm praying for you and sending you lots of love!

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  2. Tena, thank you so much! We can seriously use all the prayer and wisdom and guidance we can get!

    And YOU hang in there too! It is NOT the easiest thing in the world to find someone to love, get married, and have babies. I am finding more and more that most people in this world struggle with one or more steps in that equation.

    But, you are absolutely right on one account: whatever is supposed to happen WILL - for both of us! :-) You're in my prayers too! Don't EVER give up the dream of being a mommy, because you are going to be an AMAZING one!

    Love Love and Love to you!

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  3. Wow. That's really all I can say. I have to say that I would probably be hurt if in your situation too. It doesn't seem fair, but what is. But, as someone who can still have biological children (although have had complications in pregnancies), I don't think it's fair either that you think we shouldn't adopt a healthy infant. Anyway, I'm very sorry for your situation.

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  4. Oh Mandie, I'm so sorry to hear about all of the struggles you've been going through while pursuing parenthood. Jeff and I went through about 3 years of infertility and, though always open to adoption, we also knew we didn't have the financial means for international adoption. I cried and went through the emotional roller coaster so I can relate. All I can encourage you with is to don't give up....you have the heart to become a mommy for a reason and I truly believe that God will make you one whether it's adoption and/or a biological child(ren). We believe we had to wait because God had a specific time and a specific child for us. Hang in there and know He has a very specific time and place for your future son or daughter.

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  5. Mandie, I couldn't find your email so I sent you a facebook message.

    Praying for you and your soon to be family!
    ~Jen

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  6. @Kim: I am not saying that you should or should not do anything, but you cannot deny that the choice of people who can have children to adopt healthy infants from Ethiopia IS making the wait longer for those of us who cannot have children. That is a simple fact. I am sorry for your pregnancy complications, I truly am; but years and several miscarries later, I still have no child. Your pregnancy DID end with a healthy child, Henry. No matter how long the wait for your child in Ethiopia, you already have a child to love and hold while you wait; we do not.

    What I say here will have very little to no impact on anyone in any stage of the process of adopting from Ethiopia. The thing is, we are all of us human and only operate within the confines of our own, personal experiences and feelings; therefore, those in a situation like ours will feel what I am saying and agree. Those in a situation like yours will feel what you are saying and agree with you.

    There is no right or wrong in a situation like this. We all only make the decisions we are going to make. But in all honesty, what do my words here mean to you? Very little, I would assume. Probably nothing at all. So, don't let them wound you, just let them be what they are: the much needed catharsis of a wounded woman.

    @Jamie: I know what you mean about the "roller coaster" of emotions. We struggled so much with which direction to go and when and how, etc. I have been praying for years, every day...there IS an answer. It might all work out tomorrow one way. It might all work out some other time in another. If there is anything I have learned through situations like my mom's cancer, my sister's brain tumor and more, it's that God has a plan for everything. I know what I wrote here tonight was not exactly pleasant, but I needed to say it. I'm so grateful that you are always here encouraging me! Thank you!

    @Jen: Yes, I got your FB e-mail just now; thank you! It is much appreciated! :-) You are always so good to keep me uplifted too. You always keep me so hopeful! We have looked into many grants for adoption, and one or more may come in useful in the future. The problem is that many of them require you have much of the process done, and we need cash in order to start. Also, many only help out if you are adopting a special needs child who needs medical attention ASAP. We won't know who our child is and what (if any) their needs are for some time...so, needless to say, we are really hoping our loan goes through. Thanks again!

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  7. @Kim: I am not saying that you should or should not do anything, but you cannot deny that the choice of people who can have children to adopt healthy infants from Ethiopia IS making the wait longer for those of us who cannot have children. That is a simple fact. I am sorry for your pregnancy complications, I truly am; but years and several miscarries later, I still have no child. Your pregnancy DID end with a healthy child, Henry. No matter how long the wait for your child in Ethiopia, you already have a child to love and hold while you wait; we do not.

    What I say here will have very little to no impact on anyone in any stage of the process of adopting from Ethiopia. The thing is, we are all of us human and only operate within the confines of our own, personal experiences and feelings; therefore, those in a situation like ours will feel what I am saying and agree. Those in a situation like yours will feel what you are saying and agree with you.

    There is no right or wrong in a situation like this. We all only make the decisions we are going to make. But in all honesty, what do my words here mean to you? Very little, I would assume. Probably nothing at all. So, don't let them wound you, just let them be what they are: the much needed catharsis of a wounded woman.

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  8. @Jamie: I know what you mean about the "roller coaster" of emotions. We struggled so much with which direction to go and when and how, etc. I have been praying for years, every day...there IS an answer. It might all work out tomorrow one way. It might all work out some other time in another. If there is anything I have learned through situations like my mom's cancer, my sister's brain tumor and more, it's that God has a plan for everything. I know what I wrote here tonight was not exactly pleasant, but I needed to say it. I'm so grateful that you are always here encouraging me! Thank you!

    @Jen: Yes, I got your FB e-mail just now; thank you! It is much appreciated! :-) You are always so good to keep me uplifted too. You always keep me so hopeful! We have looked into many grants for adoption, and one or more may come in useful in the future. The problem is that many of them require you have much of the process done, and we need cash in order to start. Also, many only help out if you are adopting a special needs child who needs medical attention ASAP. We won't know who our child is and what (if any) their needs are for some time...so, needless to say, we are really hoping our loan goes through. Thanks again!

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  9. Mandie, what are you considering infertile? Are you infertile? You mentioned not having undergone the process of IVF. So, there's a chance you still could have a biological child, isn't that right? If this is right, then you would technically be in the same boat as us fertile couples wanting a healthy infant. You've had miscarriages like me. Technically I could try again. Could you too? I'm not trying to be facetious, just pointing out realities. Also, haven't you previously mentioned "adoption first", meaning that at one point in time you considered adoption before trying to conceive? Anyway, I truly hope you don't think I'm trying to be mean, but like you said, I'm sure you're expecting to get some flack for posting this. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My prayers are with you. You will get the child God wants you to have, as will we.

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  10. Kim, the definition of "infertile" is being unable to get pregnant and stay pregnant and deliver (whether early or late or vaginally or via c-section) a baby. We have not been able to stay pregnant; so, we are considered infertile.

    We decided to adopt (and I began this blog) after we had the first two miscarriages (late 2008 and early 2009). I said "adoption first", because I honestly think many people think that adoption is lowly and that a child that comes from adoption is second best.

    However, if I had known the truth about the situation in Ethiopia and we were able to get pregnant for sure through IVF, I would definitely reconsider our actions and go with a program with less "supply and demand" issues. Just as I said about adopting our second child one day, I will definitely think that I should have to wait just like everyone else who already has a child; because those couples who are who have no children should have first priority in my opinion. Surely, you can understand that trying IVF (which is NOT recommended by my OBGYN due to my recent bout with nearly having cancer and having most of my cervix removed) which may or may not work is not the same as NOT being infertile?

    We're already considering going to another program. So, yes, I would have been in the same boat as you, as you said; but again, if I had known then what I know now about the Ethiopia program, I would never have written what I wrote earlier. We may have never even considered Ethiopia if we had known the whole truth.

    Also, most of those early posts were written when we were not entirely sure what our fertility state was. Yes, we'd had two miscarriages; but our old OBGYN at the time had assured us that this happens to many couples. So, we felt no need to worry.

    You have your opinions, I have mine. And this is my blog; so, I can post my opinions here. I'm not telling you and your husband not to adopt. If you re-read my post without a defensive heart, you will see that I am merely saying that in the case of adopting healthy infants from Ethiopia, there are so many couples who can have children that those of us who very probably cannot are being shoved farther and farther down the list. That is all that my post said. And it's the truth. It doesn't change anything for you. You will have your second child home from Ethiopia before we can ever even dream of heading there to pick up our first child. It's just life. I'm not angry at you and your husband or any other couple out there adopting healthy babies from Ethiopia. I'm only stating facts about the program itself.

    As far as I know, maybe God wants us to adopt a baby domestically or from the new Congo program at a differing adoption agency. As you said, God is leading us to our children.

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  11. Kim, the definition of "infertile" is being unable to get pregnant and stay pregnant and deliver (whether early or late or vaginally or via c-section) a baby. We have not been able to stay pregnant; so, we are considered infertile.

    We decided to adopt (and I began this blog) after we had the first two miscarriages (late 2008 and early 2009). I said "adoption first", because I honestly think many people think that adoption is lowly and that a child that comes from adoption is second best.

    However, if I had known the truth about the situation in Ethiopia and we were able to get pregnant for sure through IVF, I would definitely reconsider our actions and go with a program with less "supply and demand" issues. Just as I said about adopting our second child one day, I will definitely think that I should have to wait just like everyone else who already has a child; because those couples who are who have no children should have first priority in my opinion. Surely, you can understand that trying IVF (which is NOT recommended by my OBGYN due to my recent bout with nearly having cancer and having most of my cervix removed) which may or may not work is not the same as NOT being infertile?

    We're already considering going to another program. So, yes, I would have been in the same boat as you, as you said; but again, if I had known then what I know now about the Ethiopia program, I would never have written what I wrote earlier. We may have never even considered Ethiopia if we had known the whole truth.

    Also, most of those early posts were written when we were not entirely sure what our fertility state was. Yes, we'd had two miscarriages; but our old OBGYN at the time had assured us that this happens to many couples. So, we felt no need to worry.

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  12. *Sorry, it was too long...here's the rest of that thought*

    You have your opinions, I have mine. And this is my blog; so, I can post my opinions here. I'm not telling you and your husband not to adopt. If you re-read my post without a defensive heart, you will see that I am merely saying that in the case of adopting healthy infants from Ethiopia, there are so many couples who can have children that those of us who very probably cannot are being shoved farther and farther down the list. That is all that my post said. And it's the truth. It doesn't change anything for you. You will have your second child home from Ethiopia before we can ever even dream of heading there to pick up our first child. It's just life. I'm not angry at you and your husband or any other couple out there adopting healthy babies from Ethiopia. I'm only stating facts about the program itself.

    As far as I know, maybe God wants us to adopt a baby domestically or from the new Congo program at a differing adoption agency. As you said, God is leading us to our children.

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  13. Mandie, certainly not offended by your post. I only wanted to know more of your situation. As I said before, I would probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes. FYI-we were told we didn't qualify (whatever that means) for the ABC program for Gladney, so maybe they are leaving that open to only infertile couples. Might be shorter since the birth moms choose. I really hope whatever option you felt led toward, it will go quickly. Did you hear about your loan? God Bless.

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  14. I love you. It will work out. There is hope.

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