Going with the Flow

If you've read my recent blog posts, you'll know that it's been a whirlwind of emotion around here.  A whirlwind.  I love anime and comics (I'm writing a comic after all!), and one I've been delving into lately is called Inu Yasha (Inuyasha - Season 1).  The main character of the same name can sometimes summon these "wind storms" with his special, magical sword.  These aren't normal windstorms, oh no!  They're whirlwinds of slice-you-like-a-knife power.  That's how it's been here for Mr. C and I.  We've been caught up in the slicing and dicing sort of emotional turbulence.

Giving up on the adoption for now has been heart-breaking, but all along we've both been praying for peace and wisdom and guidance.  We both know now that we WILL adopt one day, but we also know that we are no longer seeking a fully healthy baby.  We hope to one day either adopt an HIV positive child from abroad, or a mixed-race child through a domestic adoption or through the foster system.  The weird thing is, we both came to these conclusions separately before we shared them with one another; which really put us both at peace about them to know that it was in each of our hearts privately so we're not swaying one or the other from something else that we may have truly wanted.  It feels good to be on the same page.

I shared in my last post that I recently went in for an exam with my OBGYN.  This was a follow-up from my surgery that removed my pre-cancer cells.  There was nothing exciting about this exam, but I knew I really need to keep up on this since I was maybe months from having full-blown cancer.

My doctor was really upbeat, talking about how my pre-cancer was pretty bad, but we he was so glad that we removed it, etc.  I wasn't really in a good mood, because I was pretty sure we weren't going to get the loan that day.  He asked me again about how to finish writing up the letter for us for the adoption, and I said to wait until we heard about the loan; because if it didn't go through, we wouldn't be needing his help anymore (his was the last letter we needed, all other paperwork was ready to turn into our adoption agency and home study agency).

He looked at me with a furrowed brow for a while, then asked me if I'd ever had an internal ultrasound.  I told him "no".  All the sudden, it was a barrage of new people and technicians.  He was taking blood, doing an internal ultrasound, prodding around on my abdomen, etc.  I was there for roughly two hours being looked over, but long story short, I got some answers.  Like, I now know that my cervix is tipped and has two openings.  Both of these facts can cause difficulty in getting pregnant and staying pregnant.  I also have a "backwards" and "tipped" uterus which is curved back toward my spine.  This apparently doesn't really cause problems getting pregnant, but it can cause the baby to not be able to move from a breach position; although, this is not a definite either.

Other than that, I was so relieved to hear that my ovaries and fallopian tubes were both clear and free of any polyps!  This was important to me since I have women in my family with PCOS.  Also, my endometrial lining looked good and the correct thickness; another blessing since my mom and her biological mother both had endometrial cancer which grows in that lining.

After everything was said and done, he took me to his office and just looked at me for a second.  Then, he said, "I know you're really sad about this adoption not going through; but I think my partner can help you with some treatments."  I told him if we don't have money for the adoption, how will we pay for fertility treatments?  He said that most of the testing done, they can file as just that, tests - not specifically for fertility, just diagnostics; then, we can decide with that information in hand whether to try to use whatever options to get pregnant or not.  I thought about it for a second, but said, "Sure, why not?"

So, now we've got an appointment with his partner (a fertility specialist) on December 29th.  Yeah, as in 12 days from now!  My doctor told me it would take months to get into his partner, but he "magically" had a cancellation the very day we called to make our appointment; so, we will see.

I'm still skeptical, and I'm still heart-broken over the adoption.  I'm also a little angry that it might cost less to have a biological child than to adopt a child.  I will never understand that.  Of course, we have no clue what the answer will be to these tests we're going to have run; so, I don't want to get ahead of myself here; but it will seriously be a shame to me if fertility treatments cost less than adoption - what a travesty.

If it comes to IVF, we will not move forward. It's not for us, and it is far too costly.  But, somehow, my doctor and even Mr. C seem to have high hopes for us.  I just cannot imagine having a child - in any way - at this point.  I still believe God is leading me, but I feel as though I'm in a daze.  I'm glad he's in control, because I'm definitely NOT.

We had these super cute t-shirts made to give to everyone for Christmas.  They each had an outline of Ethiopia in the background with the Amharic word for "grandma" or "grandpa", etc. on them with the English word in parentheses.  Now, they're on my counter waiting to be sent back to Cafe Press. :-(  Ah well...I'm trying to just look forward to spending time with family and getting some much-needed writing done for the band.

I have decided that there is nothing to do while in this whirlwind state...just go with the flow, letting God have complete control.  I have no expectations.  I am only letting God lead me down this path he has chosen for us.

In case I don't get on here before the holidays, I wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Love, Love and Love,
*mandie*