To Love a Rose: An Ethiopian Adoption Journal

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Uterus on Vacation: Permanently

A representation of my uterus (isn't she cute?!) to bigger and better things...possibly Paris? ;-)

Today was the clencher.  CD 22 and still no follicles ready to go (or should I say "O"? haha!).  Mr. C and I had already decided that this was it, if there wasn't anything going on today, we'd be moving on (really, "moving back") to focusing on adoption - in short, no more actively TTC.

Dr. S let us know we still had "options" - mainly ovarian drilling and IVF; but Mr. C and I agreed that we'd rather spend our money on adoption than $20,000 for two cycles of IVF that might not even be successful.  So, to us, the answer was clear.

Even though I knew it was coming, I felt so strange and sad standing there saying good-bye to Dr. S and his staff.  We both feel as though we've become friends with these people; we've seen them two times a week (or more sometimes) every week since right after Christmas this past December.  Six's flown by like a semester of college full of all the yummy classes you ever wanted to take.  I was honestly choking back tears, not so very much for our inability to conceive a baby (although that was part of it); but more because it felt like the last day of school knowing that you're moving away and won't see any of these people again.

After the dust had settled and the hours had gone by, the very real probability hit me that I will most likely never be a biological mother.  My DNA stops here.  Once I'm gone, it's gone...sinking away into the earth, back from whence it came.  Mr. C and I will most likely never get to see what a "half you, half me" looks like.  We will most likely never get to say, "S/he got it from YOU!"  We will probably never go through the joy of watching my tummy grow or the pain yet excitement of child-birth.  It's a bitter pill to swallow (BITTER), but life isn't always candy and rainbows...and I must come to grips with this, because it will very likely be my reality, my truth.

I'm not going to lie to you...I'm in tremendous pain today.  I wish I weren't.  I wish SO MUCH that I was a bigger, stronger, more enlightened person; but I'm not.  I'm so mad at my body.  I feel like damaged goods.  I feel broken and unworthy.  I feel ashamed, and I'm not even sure why.  I feel lost and sad.  At the same time, I really am extremely excited about the adoption.  I seriously am!  The program we've chosen is stable and makes me giddy just thinking about it; so, please don't think that I am regarding this adoption as "second best", because no matter how sad I am about not being a biological mother, it has no bearing on how happy my heart is to be an adoptive mom someday soon.

My sister, M, had buddy passes to Silver Dollar City for today; so, Mr. C and I took them and roamed around the park thinking we would be able to forget about having children for a few hours.  WRONG idea...we should have known that a theme park would be crawling with kids, and we were right.  At first, I was getting upset and angry; but after a while, we noticed two families that had (obviously) adopted children (as in, parents of one race and children of another race).  We watched them again and again in different areas of the park (it was like God kept bringing them into our range of sight), and they all seemed so happy and loving.  It was a real relief to witness this.  It made us laugh, and we started talking about the adoption and how excited we were.  By the end of a very hot and sweaty day, we were in better spirits.

"So, what now?", you may be asking yourself.  Well, I will continue to see Dr. L for acupuncture.  I want to try to get my PCOS under control in general for my overall well-being and health whether I'm TTC or not.  So, getting my body back on track and being totally healthy is our #1 goal right now.  At the same time, we're going to continue to move forward with the adoption.  We were pleased to learn that many of our papers from the Ethiopian adoption will still be timely and can therefore be used for this new dossier; which will save us some time and money in that department.  We need to finish the house (decorating and organizing); so that we're ready for our home study.  Also, my band is up and going again...we have our first show in our hometown on September 10th; so, there's lots to look forward to with that venture as well.

All in all, there is much to look forward to.  Lately, I've had to remind myself that there IS more to life than TTC and having children - there IS.  And, I've been largely ignoring all of the beauty and goodness around me for literally years while infertility has wrecked havoc on my heart and goals and plans.  It has ruined my life, but only because I LET IT ruin my life.  I can't allow this any more.  I just can't.  So, I won't.  I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but knowing that God has a plan is enough for me to keep pushing forward no matter how painful.

I want to leave you with a little pictorial metaphor using a still from one of my fave movies The Breakfast Club (High School Reunion Collection):

My uterus is like Judd Nelson's scrappy John Bender - maybe a little damaged by genetics and circumstances, but a true fighter.  PCOS may have won the battle, but it sure as HELL hasn't won the war!  I'm still fighting.  Every day healthy is a day I'm winning.  So, off I go...strutting across my own, proverbial football field...

Don't You Forget About Me...


  1. I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling, Mandie. I can empathize with so much of what you're feeling. Adoption isn't second best, but I understand the desire to experience pregnancy and to see yourself in your child. There is nothing at all wrong with the way you're feeling. It doesn't make you a lesser, weaker person. It makes you normal and human.

    Anyway, I'm looking forward to following you on your new journey and I'll be cheering you on the whole way!