To Love a Rose: An Ethiopian Adoption Journal

Monday, June 27, 2011

Reminding God of His Promises

Just a few, short weeks ago, Mr. C and I threw our hands up and said, "Enough."  I remember it clearly.  I had announced the night before that if there were no follicles ready to trigger by the next day (CD 22), that we would be done TTC with medication; and sure enough, as I lay on the examination table, my legs in stirrups for the millionth time it seemed, the screen on the wall before me showed a whole lot of nothing.

At that moment, I was thinking, "Okay, God, you win.  We're done.  I guess you wanted us to adopt all along."  I was defeated.  I was exhausted.  My heart was heavy and hurting.  All I could think was:

It's not fair that the majority of couples will not have to struggle with infertility.  It's not fair that nearly all of my friends have gotten pregnant easily; and if not easily, at least they eventually got pregnant.  It's not fair that this person or that person that I know (and I'm not speaking metaphorically here, I literally mean real people that I know) have gotten pregnant through a one-night stand, or has 3 kids by 3 different men, or got knocked-up in high school or by a man they've only known two weeks.  IT'S NOT FLIPPIN' FAIR!  And then, like a swift smack in the face, I would hear almost audibly:

And in my heart, I thought, "Yep, it's true."  I'm not saying I was completely defeated about it all, but I certainly had no expectations or real hope left.  I was confused, lost, and empty - the way I had felt so many times on this journey with infertility - and I went on feeling that way for a while.

Now, when I'm driving, I use that time to talk to God.  Sure, I'll blast music and sing my heart out sometimes; but most of the time, I'm praying.  Since under-going fertility treatments I have done a LOT of driving.  Conversely, I've also been doing a lot of praying.  Even after deciding to discontinue fertility treatments, I began acupuncture which is at an office 45 minutes away; so, still, LOTS and LOTS of driving.  So, I kept up on the praying.

One day earlier this month while I was driving to an acupuncture appointment, it just dawned on me that I sounded really lame.  Sincerely!  I was praying in a pleading, sad, passive-aggressive way; and I didn't like it.  What's more, I had the thought that God probably wasn't that much of a fan of it either.  How many whiny, weepy, self-indulgent prayers does God hear every day?  Probably millions.  I'm not saying He doesn't hear each and every one anyway or even that He doesn't answer them, I'm just saying that I'm sure that my prayers were a part of that dreary, droning, never-ending sea.

So what to do? 

When my sisters and I were younger, if we wanted to do something important or buy something expensive or be gifted something really special from our parents, our dad would have us present little "reports" on the "what, where, why, when, and who" of it all.  It was sort of like a little kid version of a mock courtroom that most of us have probably participated in during high school or college.  Essentially, we would present "evidence" as to what we wanted, why we wanted it, why we deserved it, and how we proposed to get "it".  I was good at this.  Even as a young kid, I knew what was logical and made sense to adults and what was preposterous and due to be ridiculed.  I knew I needed good evidence to back up my motives.

If my lawyer-like tactics worked with my earthly father, how much more would these same tactics work on my heavenly father?  I got excited!  I got bold.

In that very instant I started to pray differently.  For some reason it had never dawned on me to take control of IF or the diseases in my body that were causing it.  The scripture clearly states in Matthew 18:18, "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."  So, I started binding like crazy!  I called out PCOS and infertility, bound them in Jesus' name and cast them out of my body, my life, my marriage, and my family.  It has no place in me.  It has NO RIGHT to me!

When Jesus bore all of our infirmities on the cross, I don't think that excluded "female problems" like PCOS - no, not at all!  I Peter 2:24 says, He Himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds YOU HAVE BEEN HEALED."  Wow, amazing statement.  I'm already healed.  Then, what's holding me back?  The answer: me, myself, and I.  The way I was thinking and praying and believing about all of this.

Every day since my revelation, I've been reminding God of the infinite and wonderful promises his word holds for people dealing with IF.  Genesis 1:28 says, "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it..."  Well, God, I can't do that if you don't bless me with children!  I want to follow your will, God, but you've got to help me out here if you want me to follow this command.

Exodus 23:25-26 states, "Worship the Lord your God, and his blessings will be on your food and water.  I will take away sickness from among you, and NONE WILL MISCARRY OR BE BARREN IN THE LAND."  You PROMISED, Father God:

Genesis 28:15, "...I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Numbers 23:19, "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.  Does he speak and then not act?  Does he promise and then not fulfill?"

Joshua 23:14, "...You know with your heart and soul that not one of the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed.  Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed."

God is faithful and good to fulfill every promise He has made us.  He is Jehovah Jireh: God my provider.  Isaiah 41:21 says to "present your case...set forth your arguments" before God.  Like a lawyer...or a little mid-western girl who really wants a new bike. *wink*  Isaiah 62:6-7 says, "...You who call on the Lord, give yourselves NO REST, and give HIM NO REST..."I don't think this means to "nag" God, but I certainly think it means to be persistent.  After all, God is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..." (Ephesians 3:20).

I know that God is hearing my evidence.  (Psalm 10:17, "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.")  I know he wants to heal me.  I know he already has.  My answer is on the way...I just know it!

Yesterday, my sister, M told me to go watch Joel Osteen's message #504I was blown away - it was exactly what I had been doing in my prayer life recently.  The title of the message is "Remind God of What He Said".  It's fabulous and full of truth; you really should go check it out.

I know there are many, many faithful women of many religions who do not get their prayers for children answered.  It haunts me most days.  But, even so, I really do think God genuinely cares for the barren woman.  If He didn't, why would He go out of His way to heal women like Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth time and time and time again?  He knows that "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him." -Psalm 127:3.  I have to keep believing that He wants to give me and YOU that gift!

I am going to continue to stand on these promises each and every day.  I'm going to continue to "remind God of what He said".  I'm never going to stop.  I'm just going to continue to present my case to the greatest judge of all...

Awaiting the Ruling,


  1. Don't forget Psalm 113:9

    He makes the barren woman abide in the house As a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD!

  2. Will stand with you in prayer. You will soon explode with Ps 118 for His mercy endurath forever.