I had so many plans for today. I was somehow thinking in my deepest of dreams that we would be pregnant on this day; and I had lots of fun things whirling in my mind's eye for you.
But the truth of the matter is that, at this moment, on this most special day, we are no closer to being parents, and you are no closer to being a father, than we were last year or the year before. I am so sorry for this. No matter what anyone says, or what my head knows, it cannot take away the pain my heart feels for failing you. It's my body that has the reproductive issues, not yours. I will never, ever be able to say "sorry" enough.
All I can do today is try to look toward the future with some semblance of hope. So, I am hoping and praying with all my might that next year will be the year that is finally different. Next year, we won't feel so sad we can't go to church and we dread buying cards... Next year, we'll either KNOW that a baby is on the way; or s/he will already be here. I am sincerely hoping and praying for that.
So, here's to the future...a future where I'll get to say this to you:
All the Love in the World,
*mandie*
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Mandi - I just read this and I'm still bawling. You had said EXACTLY what has been in my heart and mind for the last two years. I just don't have the words or ability to tell my husband exactly how sorry I am that I am the cause of him being childless and not able to be a father. It hurts so badly every time I think about it.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you will be able to say those words to your husband next year!
Peg,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you're enduring this as well. It is so emotionally draining, I know. :( I pray that God will bless both of us in this coming year, and that next Father's (and Mother's!) Day will be vastly different! :)
Blessings and Hugs,
*mandie*