Dreaming of Snow Babies

So far, my graphic novel script for Script Frenzy is coming along fairly well.  It's only day 3, and I'm already on page 20 (of course, it helps that the first three days of the competition took place over a weekend!)!  I don't know if I'll be able to keep up this pace, but it feels pretty darn good to be moving forward at all.  I really needed this push - badly.

All that being said, I can't help but be side-tracked time and again while writing by the thoughts of...you guessed it, snow babies!  If this cycle worked, our baby(ies) will be due December 23rd.  It's mind-boggling to think of a Christmas baby.  I always thought I'd "plan" my children out so that their birthdays would be during the months where you can do "fun things" for birthdays - June, July, August or even October.  A month where no major holiday steals their thunder.  Maybe a month like May (my birth month too) where they could have a "last hurrah" party at school - I could see all of the possibilities in my mind.  One thing I knew above all things is that I definitely did NOT want a December baby!  Too much conflict.  Too many obligations.  Nope, a December baby wouldn't do at all.

As time went on and we realized that we weren't going to be one of those lucky couples who can "choose" or "plan" their child's birth month, my initial revolt against December babies lessened.  Hey, I'll take whatever I can get!  I can even say that the idea of a Christmas day baby doesn't seem all that bad to me anymore - a healthy baby would be gift enough, we can make the rest work.

So, here I am...trying desperately to make it through this dreaded two week wait without going nuts.  I'm trying to keep myself grounded by thinking about the "next step" if this cycle didn't work: injected meds.  I've already been doing injects here and there to supplement the Clomid, but it (the Clomid) has been wrecking my uteran lining.  I've had to stay on Estradiol throughout all of my luteal phases just try to get it up to a proper thickness for implatation.

Extreme exercise causes androgen levels to be drastically reduced in a PCOS'er's body, which in turn thins the lining too; so, I was told to forgo my usual daily 45 minute to an hour run on the treadmill for this 2ww.  Ugh!  That's been pretty frustrating.  I feel as though I've gained 20 pounds (even though I know it's not really true), and I've lost a lot of the energy I got from running.  But, if it's what I need to do to make a hospitable living environment for my future baby(ies), then I'll do it!

Needless to say, I really hope this cycle worked.  REALLY hope it worked.  I wish every cycle would work, but I'm feeling super desperate now.  Injectable fertility meds can cost upwards of $800 per cycle.  That's not including the constant monitoring needed to ensure the patient (me) doesn't get OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) - a painful condition caused by fertility meds stimulating the ovaries in excess and causing the patient to bloat (sometimes up to 40 pounds in mere days) with fluid in their abdomen.  It causes horrible cramping and pain as well.  So, I'm not looking forward to the dangers or the costs. 

I'm also beginning to lose speed emotionally.  I think we jumped into TTC with meds, because we were so over-wrought by the sadness of losing our Ethiopian adoption (even though the circumstances worked out in our favor, protecting our financial investment).  I don't think we fully comprehended how we would feel each month as we "failed".  It's draining.  It's all-consuming.  It robs you of the intimacy and romance of baby-making.  I used to be angry about all of this, but I'm not even angry anymore...I'm just weary.

I want to say that I'm feeling really "different" (in a good and promising way) this cycle (even this early on), but I know better than to raise up false hopes.  All I can do is day-dream about snow babies - all bundled up in something snuggly and warm while beautiful, white flaky snow drifts around us.  My mind has definitely changed - I'm actually thinking that would be pretty wonderful.

*mandie*