To Love a Rose: An Ethiopian Adoption Journal

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Dreaming of Snow Babies

So far, my graphic novel script for Script Frenzy is coming along fairly well.  It's only day 3, and I'm already on page 20 (of course, it helps that the first three days of the competition took place over a weekend!)!  I don't know if I'll be able to keep up this pace, but it feels pretty darn good to be moving forward at all.  I really needed this push - badly.

All that being said, I can't help but be side-tracked time and again while writing by the thoughts guessed it, snow babies!  If this cycle worked, our baby(ies) will be due December 23rd.  It's mind-boggling to think of a Christmas baby.  I always thought I'd "plan" my children out so that their birthdays would be during the months where you can do "fun things" for birthdays - June, July, August or even October.  A month where no major holiday steals their thunder.  Maybe a month like May (my birth month too) where they could have a "last hurrah" party at school - I could see all of the possibilities in my mind.  One thing I knew above all things is that I definitely did NOT want a December baby!  Too much conflict.  Too many obligations.  Nope, a December baby wouldn't do at all.

As time went on and we realized that we weren't going to be one of those lucky couples who can "choose" or "plan" their child's birth month, my initial revolt against December babies lessened.  Hey, I'll take whatever I can get!  I can even say that the idea of a Christmas day baby doesn't seem all that bad to me anymore - a healthy baby would be gift enough, we can make the rest work.

So, here I am...trying desperately to make it through this dreaded two week wait without going nuts.  I'm trying to keep myself grounded by thinking about the "next step" if this cycle didn't work: injected meds.  I've already been doing injects here and there to supplement the Clomid, but it (the Clomid) has been wrecking my uteran lining.  I've had to stay on Estradiol throughout all of my luteal phases just try to get it up to a proper thickness for implatation.

Extreme exercise causes androgen levels to be drastically reduced in a PCOS'er's body, which in turn thins the lining too; so, I was told to forgo my usual daily 45 minute to an hour run on the treadmill for this 2ww.  Ugh!  That's been pretty frustrating.  I feel as though I've gained 20 pounds (even though I know it's not really true), and I've lost a lot of the energy I got from running.  But, if it's what I need to do to make a hospitable living environment for my future baby(ies), then I'll do it!

Needless to say, I really hope this cycle worked.  REALLY hope it worked.  I wish every cycle would work, but I'm feeling super desperate now.  Injectable fertility meds can cost upwards of $800 per cycle.  That's not including the constant monitoring needed to ensure the patient (me) doesn't get OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) - a painful condition caused by fertility meds stimulating the ovaries in excess and causing the patient to bloat (sometimes up to 40 pounds in mere days) with fluid in their abdomen.  It causes horrible cramping and pain as well.  So, I'm not looking forward to the dangers or the costs. 

I'm also beginning to lose speed emotionally.  I think we jumped into TTC with meds, because we were so over-wrought by the sadness of losing our Ethiopian adoption (even though the circumstances worked out in our favor, protecting our financial investment).  I don't think we fully comprehended how we would feel each month as we "failed".  It's draining.  It's all-consuming.  It robs you of the intimacy and romance of baby-making.  I used to be angry about all of this, but I'm not even angry anymore...I'm just weary.

I want to say that I'm feeling really "different" (in a good and promising way) this cycle (even this early on), but I know better than to raise up false hopes.  All I can do is day-dream about snow babies - all bundled up in something snuggly and warm while beautiful, white flaky snow drifts around us.  My mind has definitely changed - I'm actually thinking that would be pretty wonderful.



  1. I'm sending babydust your way! My DH is actually a December baby, and that's what he wanted. But again once we found out there would be no "planning" we just pray everyday for ANY healthy child. I've been through about 6 cycles of clomid and 2 of tamoxifen with no success. My next step is also injectibles, so I had to take some time off before jumping into that. I'm trying to lose some weight (down 10 pounds) and just relax and revitalize before going through the trauma of injectibles. I'm one of the lucky ones, my insurance covers the injectibles, but right now I'm much like you...weary. TTC does indeed consume your life and your thoughts. It changes the way you feel about yourself, and the world around you. Just know you aren't alone. Best wishes!

  2. Baby dust to you too! :-) I'm so sorry about your 6 dud cycles - it sucks, I know! The good news is that I've heard RAVE reviews about injectables! So many girls say it worked great and didn't give them as many nasty s/e. That sounds good to me. Also, it seems like many girls end up getting their BFP's on injects. KMFX for you and me! And congrats on losing 10 pounds! Woo hoo!

  3. Just wanted to wish you all the best! I just found your blog through your sig at SC. When will your 2ww be over? I didn't know that about exercise in the 2ww. I too exercise a bunch...even in my 2ww. Hoping the remaining time goes quickly and ends in a bfp!

    Blessed1/IFBPreacherswife @ SC

  4. Karen, yes, HI! :) So glad you found me on here too! SC has been such a blessing to me. I really needed a place like that to share and learn!

    As for my 2ww, I am either 7 or 6 DPO (really confused by my temps in relation to when the doctor told us to have TI)...I could even possibly be only 5 DPO if I go by temps only. Although, several girls on SC told me that it takes their temps several days to rise after the trigger; so, maybe that's what it is.

    I didn't know about the exercise either, but since my lining has been SO BAD the past two cycles, my doctor said not to exercise; because it lowers androgen levels (drastically in some people). So, he thought this might help as a sort of last-ditch effort to save my lining this cycle.

    I hope you're doing well...I know you've been through a lot. I just know God has a plan, and it will be made manifest in his good timing - for all of us!

    Thanks so much for stopping by; I really appreciate it!