Reminding God of His Promises

Just a few, short weeks ago, Mr. C and I threw our hands up and said, "Enough."  I remember it clearly.  I had announced the night before that if there were no follicles ready to trigger by the next day (CD 22), that we would be done TTC with medication; and sure enough, as I lay on the examination table, my legs in stirrups for the millionth time it seemed, the screen on the wall before me showed a whole lot of nothing.

At that moment, I was thinking, "Okay, God, you win.  We're done.  I guess you wanted us to adopt all along."  I was defeated.  I was exhausted.  My heart was heavy and hurting.  All I could think was:

It's not fair that the majority of couples will not have to struggle with infertility.  It's not fair that nearly all of my friends have gotten pregnant easily; and if not easily, at least they eventually got pregnant.  It's not fair that this person or that person that I know (and I'm not speaking metaphorically here, I literally mean real people that I know) have gotten pregnant through a one-night stand, or has 3 kids by 3 different men, or got knocked-up in high school or by a man they've only known two weeks.  IT'S NOT FLIPPIN' FAIR!  And then, like a swift smack in the face, I would hear almost audibly:

And in my heart, I thought, "Yep, it's true."  I'm not saying I was completely defeated about it all, but I certainly had no expectations or real hope left.  I was confused, lost, and empty - the way I had felt so many times on this journey with infertility - and I went on feeling that way for a while.

Now, when I'm driving, I use that time to talk to God.  Sure, I'll blast music and sing my heart out sometimes; but most of the time, I'm praying.  Since under-going fertility treatments I have done a LOT of driving.  Conversely, I've also been doing a lot of praying.  Even after deciding to discontinue fertility treatments, I began acupuncture which is at an office 45 minutes away; so, still, LOTS and LOTS of driving.  So, I kept up on the praying.

One day earlier this month while I was driving to an acupuncture appointment, it just dawned on me that I sounded really lame.  Sincerely!  I was praying in a pleading, sad, passive-aggressive way; and I didn't like it.  What's more, I had the thought that God probably wasn't that much of a fan of it either.  How many whiny, weepy, self-indulgent prayers does God hear every day?  Probably millions.  I'm not saying He doesn't hear each and every one anyway or even that He doesn't answer them, I'm just saying that I'm sure that my prayers were a part of that dreary, droning, never-ending sea.

So what to do? 

When my sisters and I were younger, if we wanted to do something important or buy something expensive or be gifted something really special from our parents, our dad would have us present little "reports" on the "what, where, why, when, and who" of it all.  It was sort of like a little kid version of a mock courtroom that most of us have probably participated in during high school or college.  Essentially, we would present "evidence" as to what we wanted, why we wanted it, why we deserved it, and how we proposed to get "it".  I was good at this.  Even as a young kid, I knew what was logical and made sense to adults and what was preposterous and due to be ridiculed.  I knew I needed good evidence to back up my motives.

If my lawyer-like tactics worked with my earthly father, how much more would these same tactics work on my heavenly father?  I got excited!  I got bold.

In that very instant I started to pray differently.  For some reason it had never dawned on me to take control of IF or the diseases in my body that were causing it.  The scripture clearly states in Matthew 18:18, "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."  So, I started binding like crazy!  I called out PCOS and infertility, bound them in Jesus' name and cast them out of my body, my life, my marriage, and my family.  It has no place in me.  It has NO RIGHT to me!

When Jesus bore all of our infirmities on the cross, I don't think that excluded "female problems" like PCOS - no, not at all!  I Peter 2:24 says, He Himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds YOU HAVE BEEN HEALED."  Wow, amazing statement.  I'm already healed.  Then, what's holding me back?  The answer: me, myself, and I.  The way I was thinking and praying and believing about all of this.

Every day since my revelation, I've been reminding God of the infinite and wonderful promises his word holds for people dealing with IF.  Genesis 1:28 says, "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it..."  Well, God, I can't do that if you don't bless me with children!  I want to follow your will, God, but you've got to help me out here if you want me to follow this command.

Exodus 23:25-26 states, "Worship the Lord your God, and his blessings will be on your food and water.  I will take away sickness from among you, and NONE WILL MISCARRY OR BE BARREN IN THE LAND."  You PROMISED, Father God:

Genesis 28:15, "...I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Numbers 23:19, "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.  Does he speak and then not act?  Does he promise and then not fulfill?"

Joshua 23:14, "...You know with your heart and soul that not one of the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed.  Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed."

God is faithful and good to fulfill every promise He has made us.  He is Jehovah Jireh: God my provider.  Isaiah 41:21 says to "present your case...set forth your arguments" before God.  Like a lawyer...or a little mid-western girl who really wants a new bike. *wink*  Isaiah 62:6-7 says, "...You who call on the Lord, give yourselves NO REST, and give HIM NO REST...".  I don't think this means to "nag" God, but I certainly think it means to be persistent.  After all, God is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..." (Ephesians 3:20).

I know that God is hearing my evidence.  (Psalm 10:17, "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.")  I know he wants to heal me.  I know he already has.  My answer is on the way...I just know it!

Yesterday, my sister, M told me to go watch Joel Osteen's message #504.  I was blown away - it was exactly what I had been doing in my prayer life recently.  The title of the message is "Remind God of What He Said".  It's fabulous and full of truth; you really should go check it out.

I know there are many, many faithful women of many religions who do not get their prayers for children answered.  It haunts me most days.  But, even so, I really do think God genuinely cares for the barren woman.  If He didn't, why would He go out of His way to heal women like Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth time and time and time again?  He knows that "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him." -Psalm 127:3.  I have to keep believing that He wants to give me and YOU that gift!

I am going to continue to stand on these promises each and every day.  I'm going to continue to "remind God of what He said".  I'm never going to stop.  I'm just going to continue to present my case to the greatest judge of all...

Awaiting the Ruling,
*mandie*

African Children's Choir - "Walking in the Light of God"

I wish everyone had as much excitement and energy when worshiping Jesus as these adorable South African children do.  When I see things like this I realize that my heart has never really left Africa.  Maybe God will work things out for us in the future to be forever tied to this continent and its people.







In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. -Matthew 5:16 (NIV)

Let it Shine,
*mandie*

Holy Temp Spike, Batman!!!

 

Not only did I get a +OPK yesterday, but this morning when I took my BBT (as I have every morning for the past 2 1/2 years) there was a nice, beautiful temp spike!  Wooo!  I went ahead and dipped another OPK, and it was negative for sure; so, I can safely say I ovulated for the first time in possibly years ON MY OWN last night (and yes, don't worry, Mr. C and I DTD *wink-wink*)!!! 

If anyone out there with PCOS is doubting the power of diet, exercise, and most importantly acunpuncture, I am living proof that it DOES work!  Do not hesitate, try it now! :-)

So, I guess this means I'm in my first, all-natural 2ww!  Wow, SO COOL!  I'm so over-whelmed I feel like I could cry; but don't worry, it's tears of excitement.

Hugs and Much Love,
*mandie*

No Way! A Positive OPK!

Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning, POAS (OPK, not HPT, just to be clear!), and saw this:

Yes, I know it's kind of icky; but that, folks, is a POSITIVE OPK!  Wowee!

It's CD 17, and I've been keeping up my end of the bargain with daily tough exercise, a low-carb diet, and weekly acupuncture (in fact, I just had a session yesterday).  I attribute this success mostly to my acupuncturist, Dr. L.  I have no doubt at all that his treatments have made all the difference - what an amazing blessing when God sent me his way!

Now, this doesn't mean that I'll get pregnant this cycle; but it is exciting to know that my body is capable of healing itself and that my cycles might be able to get back on track naturally.  How amazing would that be?!  No matter what the outcome, there are amazingly wonderful things to be grateful for.

One of those things seems to be stress relief.  I'm a typical "type-A" personality - full of vim and vigor, a good leader, a self-starter, but also full of the constant stress and anxiety over my worth, my work, and my circumstances that most type-A'ers struggle with.

Yesterday at my acu session, Dr. L picked up on my blatant stress situation and suggested he put some needles in my arms for stress relief.  I usually feel pretty calm and soothed during an acu session; so, I didn't really notice anything different at the moment.  When it was all said and done, he put tacks (you know, those little needles attached to "band-aids" from this blog?) in those same spots in my arms and sent me on my way.

Mr. C had come to pick me up at Dr. L's office since he was running errands in Springfield; and I told him immediately that I was feeling extremely tired, almost loopy.  He suggested we get some food, which we did; but afterwards, the loopy feeling turned into uncontrollable hysteria.  I literally could not stop laughing!  At first, it was kind of funny, but after about 45 minutes of nearly constant laughter my abs, lungs, and face were in pain - ouch!  I don't think I've laughed that hard in a really long time.  I have to say, even though Mr. C probably thought I had lost it entirely, it was worth it.  I really needed a good laugh.


Sometimes it still amazes me what acupuncture has been able to heal in my body within just a few short weeks, as opposed to months and months and months of pills, injections, and other treatments from the medical world that did nothing.  God is the greatest comedian of all; I'm sure He's having a good laugh today.


*mandie*

[Un]Father's Day

Dear Mr. C,

I had so many plans for today.  I was somehow thinking in my deepest of dreams that we would be pregnant on this day; and I had lots of fun things whirling in my mind's eye for you.

But the truth of the matter is that, at this moment, on this most special day, we are no closer to being parents, and you are no closer to being a father, than we were last year or the year before.  I am so sorry for this.  No matter what anyone says, or what my head knows, it cannot take away the pain my heart feels for failing you.  It's my body that has the reproductive issues, not yours.  I will never, ever be able to say "sorry" enough.

All I can do today is try to look toward the future with some semblance of hope.  So, I am hoping and praying with all my might that next year will be the year that is finally different.  Next year, we won't feel so sad we can't go to church and we dread buying cards...  Next year, we'll either KNOW that a baby is on the way; or s/he will already be here.  I am sincerely hoping and praying for that.

So, here's to the future...a future where I'll get to say this to you:

And it won't just be a dream....

All the Love in the World,
*mandie*