Peace

Image courtesy of Quotable Cards

At the end of TS Eliot's poem The Waste Land,  he repeats one word three times "shantih, shantih, shantih" or "peace, peace, peace".  When I was in college, one of my English professors translated "shantih" (or "shanti") as "the peace that passes all understanding, pax, and shalom", making a sort of Biblical reference from the Hindi word.  I have it tattooed on my right wrist to remind myself to slow down, calm down, and let go.

I've been asked several times lately how I can be so peaceful when I'm battling something like infertility.  This makes me laugh, because most of these people have obviously not been witness to the "not-so-peaceful" times of recent past.  Peace has not been an innate personality trait for me, but rather a journey...one that I'm nowhere near close to completing; and honestly, I'm fine with that.

Since the adoption and infertility conferences, I haven't really had a chance to write a personal update on where Mr. C and I are emotionally and beyond.  In short, we've decided that if this medicated cycle didn't/doesn't work; then, we're done with TTC.  I know to a lot of people that may seem strange.  While we've only been TTC with meds for 6 months, we've been dealing with infertility and PCOS since we were married.  In October, we will be married 3 years.  That's a long time to be struggling with something as emotionally and financially draining as IF.  Physically, I'm exhausted.  My body is so tired of the injections, pills, suppositories, and constant ultrasounds.  I've endured muscle twitches/spasms, night sweats, cramps galore, timed sex (yes, very romantic), IUI, an HSG, biopsies, nausea, and more...all of this and I haven't even gotten pregnant!  Mr. C and I have just come to the conclusion that it's not worth it anymore.

With all the money we've spent thus far this year alone, we could be more than half-way through an adoption.  It's a sobering thought.  Which is why we've decided that adoption is the way to go.  We're wary to get back into adoption after our past experiences, but the new agency we're looking into seems to be very stable; and the program(s) we're thinking about are Hague accredited, which has set our minds (and hearts) at ease.

If you read my blog, you know that I recently started going to Dr. L for acupuncture.  He had warned me that many times when he treats women for IF that their cycles reset.  After Thursday's session, I had slight spotting; luckily that's all it was, so this cycle isn't totally lost.  I've decided, though, to stick with Dr. L and continue acupuncture to get my PCOS under control no matter what (TTC or not TTC).  I'm sad about leaving Dr. S's care, I really feel like we've become friends through this process; but I know that the next step for us is IVF anyway; which Dr. S's office doesn't offer to begin with.

It's hard to say exactly what has caused all of the stress and desperation to leave my heart, but it has.  I think maybe a lot of it has to do with the many brave women who shared their battles with IF at the adoption conference last Friday.  Sitting in a room with all of these lovely couples just like us reminded me that there is so much more to life than TTC and having children.  My infertility is a part of me, but it doesn't define me.  PCOS has changed me, but it hasn't distorted my soul.  Only I can allow it to affect me in these ways, and I simply cannot allow that to happen.  Sometimes the strongest action is inaction or letting go.  So, I'm letting go of trying to have a biological child.

Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I'm not sad.  It doesn't mean I have to like the fact that I have PCOS and IF.  It doesn't mean that I'm going to forget everything and suddenly live in a state of constant bliss.  That's simply not the case at all.  I'm still upset.  I'm still angry at times.  I still feel a slight bitter twinge when I see pregnant women pass me in the store or on the street.  I still question God every now and then.  Like the quote above says, peace isn't about the absence of chaos (or chaotic emotions); but to somehow remain calm deep in your heart.  No matter what the future holds, I feel that God has truly set me on a course for fulfillment and peace.

Shanti, shanti, shanti...
*mandie*

V-Blog: Giving Yourself a Bravelle FSH Shot

Hey everyone!  I need to update on here badly, but for the time being I thought I'd share with you all the first of my new video series that I've started on Youtube.  The series is going to focus on different stages of a medicated cycle and walk couples through some of the more difficult "challenges" (such as giving yourself a sub-q fsh shot).

I have to give credit to Dr. S for giving me the idea at the infertility conference this weekend - seeing really is so much better than just reading and looking at step-by-step photos!  I'll post more about the conference, and where Mr. C and I are emotionally after the fact; but for now, enjoy the video (sorry, it all got a bit squatty when I compressed it - ugh!) and tell your friends who are needing encouragement about this subject to stop by and see that it CAN be done!

Love and Blessings,
*mandie*

Femara Resistant...That's Me!

I had my f/s this morning, and it turns out I'm pretty much entirely Femara resistant.  All I can do now is laugh; so I am - HAHAHA!  I had no (and I mean no) measurable follicles.  Boo!  However, my lining was a fabulous 8.6.  At least the Femara didn't wreck that like Clomid did!  See, there's always a positive side to every possibly bad situation!

Of course, this means I'm back to good, old Bravelle injections for the next five days; but that's okay, I'm really getting good at those.  I don't feel the needle go in at all (I've got a little side-angle technique I use *ahem* :), and the burning sensation I used to get when I pushed the Bravelle in doesn't really occur anymore (I guess I'm just getting used to it).

I took our little Scottie dog, Eagan, to the vet today; and he had much more luck than I did.  He was free and clear of any infections, and only has one more pill to take before he's officially deemed "healed".  So, that was good news!

This afternoon, I made the trip to see Dr. L, my new acupuncturist.  He was fabulous!  We didn't get to do too much (I didn't know I was supposed to bring my paperwork from Dr. S with me - oops!); but it was just really nice to have a doctor who understands PCOS right off the bat.  I hate having to explain and defend myself to people in the medical community; which is why I like Dr. S so much - he gets it.  And I think  Dr. L is going to get it too.  In short, I'm super excited to start the "real" treatments.  Today, he just tested the energy flow through my meridians.  My "overall" energy level was 82; which he said was "fabulous".  The over-achiever in me was proud. Ha!  I did, however, have one imbalance in my heart area, one area of low energy (can't remember where that was), and one area of over-active energy in the intestine area; which, not surprisingly, can manifest with infertility and screwed up hormones.  *le sigh*  Of course!

Tomorrow night, Mr. C and I are going to a conference for couples struggling with IF in our area.  It's called Your Journey, and it's split into two days focusing on different subjects.  The first is tomorrow night, and will be focusing on adoption after struggling with IF.  The second, is Saturday morning through afternoon and deals with IF and different treatment options and types of IF factors.  Dr. S and Dr. L are both speaking on Saturday morning; so, we weren't going to go (what could they tell me that they haven't already in hours of consults and examinations?).  But now, Dr. L has told me that two of the other doctors speaking only do IVF in their clinics.  If we are heading that direction, it would be good to hear what they have to say...I'm trying to decide if I should sign us up for that one now too.  Hmmmm...........???

Above all, I'm really looking forward to being the same room with a bunch of other couples who have struggled/are struggling with IF.  I know that sounds slightly morbid almost, but I am honestly glad that I will be able to look into all these other faces, all these other eyes, and see that they too have been hurting, struggling, paying tons of cash, praying like crazy, and hoping against hope.  I CANNOT wait for that!  COMMUNITY!

Well, that's it...nothing new and exciting...yet!

Love and Blessings to you All,
*mandie*

Acupuncture!

Photo courtesy of Opposing Views.

Tomorrow is another follicle study, but my first follicle study on Femara/Letrozole.  I'm really looking forward to seeing how this helps things.  A lot of girls find Femara to be their "miracle drug" when Clomid and injects have failed them; I'm believing and thanking God in advance that this is so.

A few hours after my f/s, I am going to be visiting Dr. L, an acupuncturist and chiropractor who specializes in IF and women's health issues.  I'm really looking forward to this acupuncture session!  Many of the girls on Soul Cysters have raved about their appointments, saying that they at least helped them relax and relieved some of the stress of IF and TTC and at best helped contribute to their follicle and lining growth.  Either way, it sounds like a winning situation!

I'm going into the rest of this cycle with a lot of hope and anticipation.  God is truly able to work miracles; I know he can work one in my life too!

Blessings,
*mandie*

Happy Birthday to Me!

Tomorrow (which is really only about an hour and a half away) marks my third decade of life on this planet.  Time really does fly.  I can honestly say, though, that I don't feel a day over 18; and for that, I'm grateful.

I was telling Mr. C tonight that my birthday coming up has reminded me that I've spent a great deal of time lately being sad and upset and angry for large chunks of time, when really I have so much to be joyful about.  So much to be grateful for.

It's true.  My mom just found out she is officially 2 years cancer free.  HOORAY!  My sister, W, hasn't had a seizure in well over a month.  HOORAY!  My other sister, M, had a successful lumpectomy.  HOORAY!  What's more, I have a fabulous husband who loves and adores me - how did I snag such a kind, brilliant, sexy man?  I'm so lucky to be able to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate!  I have the cutest (and NO, I'm no biased, he just really is the cutest) dog in the whole world who lets me love on him and fawn all over him and cry into his fur when I'm having a bad day.  My dad, mom, sisters, friends, husband...I am so blessed to have them in my life and feel their love!

Yes, I have PCOS; and it's caused some issues for me - infertility to pre-cancer, weight gain to acne, possible insulin resistance to increased health risks...it's true.  But, I'm so tired of focusing on the negative.  I refuse to live like that.  All of my symptoms could be a LOT worse.  I'm humbled by God's grace and mercy...I have prayed for protection, and he rained down favor upon me and kept me safe.  Even when I felt alone and abandoned, he was there, carrying me through.  What a powerful and magnificent daddy-God I have.  I will never be able to worship and praise him enough...even as I will for all eternity in heaven.

God has big plans for me...for all of us.  I can either allow myself to focus on what I do not have, or I can focus on what I do have.  I can either let my troubles weigh me down until I cannot walk, or I can cast off the cares of this life and choose to pull myself up and continue walking, continue fighting.  I choose to fight.  I choose to live and to live happy and blessed.

In just a while, I will be 30/3-0/thirty.  I just know that this year is going to be over-flowing with amazing blessings and gifts from God!  I feel a whole lifetime of God's compassion welling up inside of my soul.

Be well, Be blessed, Be love,
*mandie*