What IF...We Don't Give Up Hope?

One of my "cysters" from Soul Cysters posted a link to this wonderful infertility blog called Hannah Wept Sarah Laughed.  The post today was fabulous, asking the card companies and flower shops and churches and society in general to not forget those of us who are childless on Mother's Day, but not by choice. 

As I roamed around this woman's fantastic blog, I noticed she had won a video award from RESOLVE in 2010.  Being a former audio/visual production major, I had to check it out.  Here it is:



What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.


You can see why she won; it's amazing!  I'm always so inspired by women like this who take IF "to the streets", so to speak.  Those willing to share their own heartache in order to trumpet a cause that has injured so many hearts, lives, marriages, friendships, self-esteems and more.

I hope you all had a lovely Mother's Day...it went by surprisingly fast for me; and I'm really grateful for that.  We skipped church after all, not wanting to hear another sermon about mothers or have to skirt around the receiving line of single roses being passed out to moms.  Instead, we went to our niece's graduation open house and stayed for 5 1/2 hours!  It was great to just hang out and talk and eat good food.

I just keep telling myself that maybe next year it will all be different...maybe next year...

*mandie*

Happy (?) Mother's Day

There is probably no day on the calendar that is more bittersweet for infertile women than Mother's Day...

Tomorrow, May 8th, is Mother's Day here in America...a celebration of mothers and all of the good that they can represent - kindness, tenderness, selfless love, devotion.  We all have mothers (even if we don't know our biological ones, we have them, and probably have adopted mothers or female figures who seem like mothers); and we should all honor and uplift them whenever possible.  So, on one hand, tomorrow is a good day.  A day to celebrate where we came from, someone who loved us, and a person who (literally) gave us life.

On the other hand, there is the blatant reminder that, as an infertile woman, you are not being honored.  There's no one to love and dote upon; so there's no one to be grateful and say  thanks.  There are no cards.  No balloons.  No luncheons.  No flowers.  All of these are replaced with teary eyes, a sunken heart, and a throat clenched to stifle sobs that threaten to burst forth at every little smile and hug and kiss going on around you.

Church is the worst.  There is always a sermon about motherhood and how it is ordained by God.  How mothers are both blessed and blessings.  How God loves mothers; and, of course, how his own mother, Mary, was the most blessed mother of all.

This always makes me feel as though God has left me out.  How God has somehow forgotten about me.  If he loves mothers and motherhood, then why doesn't he answer my prayers to join that great sorority?

Now, in reality I know God hasn't forgotten me, but on Mother's Day it's just hard.  There's no other way to say it.  It's just hard.

This year I'm lucky, because our niece is graduating high school on Tuesday; so, tomorrow her mom is throwing an open house.  We'll go right after church; so, I'll have a gathering to go to that isn't centered on motherhood, or my lack thereof.

To all of you mothers out there, I wish you a very happy Mother's Day full of love, laughter, fun, family, and friends!

To all of you not-yet-mothers out there....BIG (((HUGS))) to you!  I'm praying that next year will be different for all of us.

Flowers and Rainbows,
*mandie*

Testing Out the Ovidrel Trigger

I debated on whether to "test out the trigger" this time around.  This is where you essentially POAS after the ovulation trigger shot (mine is Ovidrel, see photo below, but Novarel is very common as well) to see if it's "gone" from your system.  You can do this daily starting at 1 DP (day{s} past) the shot or just pick a day to start, like 7 DP trigger or so. 

Since the trigger shot is pure HCG (the pregnancy hormone), you will show positive on an HPT (home pregnancy test) for about 6-10 days after you take it (some women take even longer, though!).  The longest it's ever remained in my system was 10 days, but the past few cycles, it's been gone by 7 DP trigger.

So, I went ahead and tested today with one of my extra-sensitive early pregnancy tests.  It was gone!  So, anything from here on out can be relied upon as being "real".

This is what my Ovidrel trigger shots look like.  Unlike the Bravelle FSH shots, the Ovidrel comes in a pre-filled syringe; which is kind of nice.  No need to mix the meds and fill the syringe myself like the Bravelle. *thumbs up*

For some reason, seeing the BFN on the HPT today really bummed me out.  I know that seeing a BFN was the whole point of testing today - to make sure the trigger's out of my system - still, I couldn't help but be reminded of all the BFN's I've seen so many times before.  *le sigh*

I'm only just 5 DPiui today...most likely implantation hasn't even occurred yet (I'm talking optimistically here, as if it's going to happen! :-).  So, there's really no reason for me to feel so down; but I just do.

I'm going to go jump on the treadmill and try to forget about it all for a while...

To make matters worse, our sweet, little Scottie dog, Eagan, had an infected anal gland (yes, it's as GROSS as it sounds); so he had to go to the vet bright and early this morning to get that taken care of.  It's not pretty...there was blood everywhere, and he literally screamed in pain (dogs CAN scream) when the vet "expressed" the infection out.  Poor little guy.  So, now, he's got to take a bunch of antibiotics (he had a fever on top of everything) and wear a diaper (he's not very happy about this!).

Here's our sweet boy napping on his pillow with his cool reusable diaper on (well, we think it's cool, he doesn't really care for it too much) in our office today.

I'm just hoping and praying every day that this is our cycle!  This has got to be the most stressful 2ww I've experienced yet...probably because it seems as though this has been our best chance to date, and also because we are nearing the end of our ability to keep trying financially.  If this cycle doesn't work, we might be able to do one more go of it; but that will probably be it.  So, lots of stress and fear and sadness has been floating around our house, even though we're just trying to pray and believe through it all that we won't get to that point!

My family is coming down next week, and I'd love to have good news to share...we'll just have to wait and see.

Not-so-patiently Waiting,
*mandie*

Tattoo...Removal

Okay, this has nothing to do with TTC; I realize that.  But, lately I've been (dare I say it) regretting a few of my tattoos.  I never thought I'd be saying this, but it's just how I've been feeling. 

I want to say that I'm a big fan of tattoos, and I have six of them.  They all have specific meanings to me, and I have enjoyed having them.  Recently, though, I started thinking about getting back into theater; and as I started searching for good tattoo cover-up makeup, I began to think that it would just be easier to get rid of them, rather than consistently cover them up.


This is a huge decision.  I realize that.  So, I'm taking things really slowly.  I've only just begun researching cover-up kits and just found a laser removal center in Springfield that I'm considering having a consultation with sometime.  I would, of course, wait to do anything until after the baby came (if we're pg); so, this isn't something that will happen immediately, but might begin next year or so.

All of this has made me nostalgic for my tattoos.  So, I'm going to post some pictures of my ink...here they are!

Tattoo of my band's logo (without the heart being "broken") on my left forearm.  This is one I'm considering having lasered off.

First tattoo I ever got when I was 19 on my lower, right back.  A sacred heart with the Latin quote "tolle saxum et eo ego est" ("Lift a rock, and I am there." from the Gospel of St. Thomas).

"Shanti" (Sanskrit for "peace") just above my right wrist.  I might laser this and have something put in its place.

Date my sister was diagnosed with an AVM on her brain under my left breast.

Rosary on my left foot/ankle.

Old school owl (made to look like an old school sparrow) with a banner reading "Anything lost may be found if sought." Which is a slight summary of a quote from Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene saying, "For there is nothing lost that may be found if lost."  This is probably my most beautiful tattoo, but I am thinking of having it lasered; because it is the most prominent and least easy to cover.

Again, I'm in the very early stages of deciding what to do; in a way, it makes me quite sad to even think of doing this.  On the other hand, I feel that it is the right thing to do for my future...

What about you?  Do you have "tattoo remorse"?  Any tattoos that you have considered removing or covering up?  Or, are you totally in love with all of your ink?  I'm so torn right now; I don't even know what to think!

'Night Everyone,
*mandie*

IUI? Aye-Aye!

So, our first (and hopefully LAST) IUI was this morning at 8 a.m.; and I can say that it was a smashing success!  Hooray!

Being early on a Sunday morning, traffic was relatively light; so, we made our 45-minute journey in about 30 minutes flat (if not a little less).  This is good since you really need to get a man's sample to the lab within 1/2 an hour of collecting it.

Everyone was waiting for us when we got there, ready to go!  The lab tech took Mr. C's cup and began the washing process (this took about 20-30 minutes).  Then, Dr. S came in with "goods" in hand (well, in a syringe with a catheter attached, in hand, that is!).  He said that Mr. C's count (# of sperm in the collection) was 50 million (ie: FABULOUS!) with 80% motility (again: FABULOUS!); so, he was really pleased.  He said that the combination of Mr. C's good #'s and my two fully mature follies and great endo lining (thickened to 10 at last f/s) gave us a great chance this cycle.  Woo!

This catheter was MUCH kinder than the one used during my HSG; I didn't even feel this one go in, thank GOD!  The procedure was done in about 10 seconds, then I had to lie back on the exam table with my bottom propped up on an incline for about 1/2 an hour.  After that, I was given some extra info and released. 

I go in for my p4 (progesterone) b/w levels on Monday the 9th, then a week or so after that I can take a HPT.  And this time, I'm not even going to test out the trigger!  I'm seriously going to wait the whole two weeks before testing!  *promise*

So, that's it.  All in all, it's been a great day.  Mr. C and I have high hopes for this cycle!  Thanks again to everyone for all of the good thoughts and prayers and hope you've poured out upon us!  We are SO appreciative, and we can never repay you properly.  Just know that we are grateful.

Love and Blessings,
*mandie*