To Love a Rose: An Ethiopian Adoption Journal

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Closing the Door...

Still no word on my labs from Dr. S's office yet, but Mr. C and I did receive sad news today...

Our file at Gladney is being officially closed today. 

I know that we can no longer go down the Ethiopia path or adopt at this very moment, but I am still extremely heart-broken over the loss of this adoption.  I was so convinced that God was leading me down this road, and that we were finally going to get to be parents.  I was so excited!  It honestly feels as though I've lost a child...I have been dreaming of this brown-skinned baby for over a year. 

I have a room painted yellow for a boy or girl...I have a stroller and three boxes of diapers...I have some decorations...I had all of these dreams about what we would do, what I would read to Baby C and how I would play with him/her.  It's all gone now.

I realize that we could get pregnant soon, but maybe we won't.  Maybe not ever, like we've always suspected, and these past years have taught us.  I really couldn't care less how I become a mother; I will love my child whether born from my womb or from my heart...I would just like to somehow be able to move forward in some direction.

There is really nothing to be said today...only that I am feeling pretty sad.  I've been trying really hard to keep my spirits up, because I know that God has a plan; but sometimes I think it's okay to just be human and wallow in the tough feelings of loss and rejection...

After all, even Jesus was a Man of Sorrows.


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