To Love a Rose: An Ethiopian Adoption Journal

Friday, October 8, 2010


Isn't it so strange how you can want something so badly?  Like you ache in your heart for it?  And then, this happens to me nearly 100% of the time, as soon as I get close to what I've been wanting - BAM!  I get a sudden rush of nerves and anxiety!

I'm feeling that way today.  We sent in our information to Gladney Center for Adoption out of Texas (they have an office near us that is in Oklahoma City) - it's "official" that we're "officially on the road to adoption".  Wow.  As soon as I clicked "send" I turned to Mr. C and said, "What have I done?!  I'm not qualified to be a mother!"  He just laughed a bit and said, "Really?  I don't feel nervous at all."  That is why God brought this man to me - we are opposites, and we each needed the tempering force of balance that comes with our relationship.  (Opposites do attract!)

 So why Gladney after thinking we were going to go with another agency last year?  Well, we wanted an agency that was a little closer to home (Missouri); and we have had the pleasure of hearing some first-hand accounts of families that have been brought together via Gladney's efforts.  It means a lot to hear these success stories when you're not only adopting, but are going to be first-time parents (which can be terrifying and exciting all at once).  These generous families who were willing to share their adoption stories made it very clear to us that Gladney was the way to go.

But now we have to be accepted by them!  What if they don't like us?  What if they think we're incompetent?  What if they sniff right through our strong facades and see how truly frightened we are of screwing everything up in the parenthood department?  Will this deter them from allowing us to have a child?  Will our dreams of parenthood be thwarted once again?

I know these are irrational fears, but I am scared of the thought of being possibly turned away.  I suppose I feel this way mostly because I feel as though I specifically have been "turned away" in a sense when it comes to motherhood in general.  I mean, for whatever reason, I am not able to conceive a child biologically; so, what if that was God's way of saying I'm not "good enough" to be a mother in general - not to a biological OR adopted child?  The idea of this brings me to tears.  On one hand, I realize how ludicrous this probably is.  On the other hand, I let my insecurities on this matter flow freely. 

I have wondered why I feel so insecure about this issue and not many others in life.  I'm a musician - trying to "make it" in arguably one of the world's most difficult professions has never daunted me.  I have always known that God gave me a gift, and that I was going to get to use matter how long I had to struggle to "get where I wanted to go".  I have acted in tons of regional theater productions since the age of 11 - never a bit of nerves, always knew I'd be fine - I'd be great!  I'm currently writing my first comic book series, and I have hope daily that it will go far.  But I go to become a mother and suddenly I'm a different person.  Where did all of that confidence and faith in God go?  I'm more than a little ashamed of my reaction.  :-(

Mr. C says that this is not the time to be nervous.  This is the time to be excited.  The time to be nervous is when they place a crying infant in your arms, and you are officially a parent - ha! He's so much more laid back than me in nearly all life matters.  I often wish I could be more like him in that respect.

I suppose I just needed to get this off of my chest.  I'm nervous.  I am.  I'm scared of rejection.  I'm frightened I won't be a good enough mother, and I desperately want to be a good mom!  I'm nervous about what people will say when they see me holding my adopted child.  I haven't fully thought through what I'm going to say or how I'll explain things, etc.  How do I tell my parents that they'll be grandparents; but not to a green-eyed, red head that looks like me, but rather a brown-skinned, curly-headed angel that I hope they can love as much as I already do?!  It's all so much right now.  I feel a little over-whelmed, but I wouldn't change anything for the world!  I can't wait to embark on this journey toward parenthood; I'm truthfully very excited under all of these nerves!

Anyone who's adopted before or become a parent for the first time recently, how did you deal with the nerves?  Or were you "anxiety free"?  Haha!  Wish that was me!

Blessings and Much Love,


  1. Mandie, I love your raw honesty and your heart. You may feel nervous, but note what you are nervous didn't state that you're nervous about losing free time, finances, youth, etc. (all of the things that we as humans can selfishly cling to). Instead you are nervous about being a good mom, getting accepted as an adoptive parent, wanting your loved ones to love your future adopted child in a way that you already do. These things alone make you a fantastic mom-to-be! Is there anxiety? I think most would be lying if they said no. But anxiety isn't necessarily shows we care and drives us to be better. So excited for you!

  2. Jamie, thanks! You always have a way of making me feel so much better; which I greatly appreciate! :) I'm grateful for people like you in my life who can build me back up when I'm beginning to doubt myself - thank you!