You may have noticed that my last post has vanished. No, it's not an evil, Internet magician, just me deciding that it was far too whiny and sad and pathetic.
Honestly, I feel I've been entirely too pessimistic lately. Rewind to where my family was last year: wondering if my mom was going to live or die and what a holiday season without her would really be like, and I find myself slapping myself in the brain screaming, "Why are you so sad/angry/depressed right now anyway?!"
Good question.
If I had to get all psychoanalytical on myself, I'd say I have a bit of survivor's guilt. Now, I know I wasn't the one battling stage 4 leukemia; but I was there every day (save 4 weeks spent back in Branson doing adoption "stuff") from November 15th, 2011 onward, and I felt every bit of the nerves and fear and terror that comes with battling this terrible disease.
While God answered all of our prayers concerning mom, I had to watch some very dear, sweet, amazing friends lose their battles with cancer. I realize that most people say life will never be the same after such a journey, but I didn't know how truly UN-cliche those statements were until I lived it - twice in 3 years.
No, life will never be the same; and while I know I'm a better person for what I have witnessed and been through, I am sporting some pretty raw scars in the mind and heart departments. And while I'm hurting like mad, I can only imagine what these people's family members are feeling - the constant ache, the never-ending sadness, the twisting of anxious stomachs and nervous minds. Terrible.
I think it's only natural, then, that my disgusting self-pity spilled over into the adoption process.
Okay, seriously, do I think it's unfair that I have now heard of THREE families who have been matched before us when their HSTK were MONTHS after ours? YES. I think it really sucks, actually; but here's the deal, folks: there's nothing I can do about it. And whining, complaining, throwing a fit - none of these things will help us get a referral any sooner.
It was really hard to hear Holt say what they did to us during our recent phone sessions, but in the end I have to keep my eyes focused on God. I have to believe He has a plan for our family - for our child(ren) - or else I will literally lose my mind. Am I still upset? Absolutely. Tremendously. Achingly. Do I cry often? Yes, more than I care to admit. But, do I still have hope? Yes, so much. I cling to it. I have to believe that we WILL be able to complete our adoption from Korea. I have to just keep praying daily that for some reason we are on the Korean social worker's heart and mind, and that she finds a match for our family very soon.
So much of this family-building process has been out of our control. You can't control lost fertility. You can't control miscarriages. You can't control failed fertility treatments. You can't control wrongful actions made by adoption agencies. You can't control a birth mom/family changing their minds and deciding to parent when they've made you promises to the otherwise. None of those things can be controlled. BUT, I do know that God has always been in control. In the midst of chaos, He was working things into His perfect order.
Our child is out there. He is waiting for us just as we wait for him. We will be united someday soon.
These are truths I cling to when the wait gets too tough to bear. I'm still upset, but being negative doesn't help anything at all - ever. My parents were always grinding it into my sisters and I that the Bible is clear that what we speak and think goes out into the universe ahead of us creating a path for us that is either negative or positive - but the choice is ultimately OURS.
So here is something I can control: what I say and think.
If you send out negativity and pessimism, how can you be surprised when you fail or do not get what you want? Most people who are successful are extremely optimistic. They shine out positivity and it gets radiated back to them in so many ways. It doesn't mean that bad things never happen to you, but it means that the outcome will almost always be in your favor - even if only in the sense that you will be able to see the light in a dark situation.
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." -Proverbs 12:19
"I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." -Matthew 18:18
"...You do not have, because you do not ask..." -James 4:2
All four of these verses demonstrate the power of positive thinking and positive confession. We are promised that we will have what our hearts desire (Psalm 37:4), all we have to do is believe and ask and then stand firm. So, instead of whining and complaining about other families getting matched way out of order or crying all the time; I am going to start confessing every day (and night!) that our child is out there, doing great, being loved by his foster family, and that we will be matched VERY soon.
I hope that the next time I blog it will be because we have been matched; but if not, I have some super exciting stuff to share with you all - pictures of Baby C's nursery! It's *almost* done. We are just waiting on a few more things to get here from some online stores, then I can officially step back and breathe a bit. I'm sure I'll want to tweak things here and there all the time; but when these last items come in, I feel fairly confident that I'll be content for a while, at least. Oooh, it's seriously so exciting to me to decorate his space! It really makes the adoption "real" to me for some reason.
Today is Cheseok in South Korea (sort of like our Thanksgiving); and besides Christmas, this is probably the biggest holiday of the year. I can't help but wonder where Baby C is and what he's doing. I'm just sure he's with his foster family, hanging out with relatives, being showered with love and attention - at least that's what I hope and pray. Gosh, I'm grateful for his foster family! How will I ever be able to thank them enough?
Anyway, that's the mystery of the vanishing post...I hope you can all forgive me for my negativity; it's toxic, and I'm going to try so hard to quit letting it get the best of me.
Love and Blessings,
*mandie*
PS: Mom is going out-patient tomorrow! Yes, it's true! I will try to write a blog tomorrow reiterating some of the information about her prophylactic chemo treatments and how she's doing tomorrow or the next day since I had several paragraphs about that in the post I deleted. But please know it's all amazing, fantastic, wonderful news; so NO WORRIES. :-)
Wednesday, we celebrated dad's 54th birthday. This means our family celebrated EVERY holiday that a year has to offer here at the CTCA except one: our 4th anniversary on October 18th.
Everything from Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Years to Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day and Easter...they were all spent here this past year. All the birthdays too - from Whitney's in November to dad's here just Wednesday... It reminds me of the song from the musical "Rent" when they ask how you measure your life...in this case, I suppose we could measure in holidays and birthday celebrations...and the fact that we even got to celebrate mom's in February was a miracle to be marked in and of itself. God has been so good to us.
I am not complaining; I'm really not. I know that this journey here in Zion has changed my entire family for the better. We are so much stronger and more grounded in God's word than ever before. And what could possibly shake us now? Nothing. We know how to let God be in control (as He always was) and let go of our own naive ideas of "want" and "need".
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds; because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work; so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4 (NIV)
We've been saying for a long while now how God only allows trials and tribulations for one of two reasons: to correct or to perfect. I know this to be true. We were corrected along this journey many times, but more importantly, we were perfected; so that when the time comes, we will be ready, willing, and able to stand up and shout His glory to the world.
Oh, and I almost forgot........... Mom WALKED yesterday! Yep, she WALKED, folks! This is a HUGE step in her healing process. Once she can walk unassisted, she will be allowed to go out-patient; and beyond that, her numbers are so good, she will probably go home (that's right, actually back home to Iowa) soon after that!
So many miracles...how blessed can one family be?
Here are some pictures from the past couple of weeks:
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| Mom and one of our favorite members of the housekeeping staff, Connie. She brought mom that little jewelry box back from Mexico a week ago when she went to visit her family. SO NICE! |
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| Mom and her nurse, Raul. He was her first night nurse ever, and he always calls mom "his baby". He's so sweet! |
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| Dad opening cards. |
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| Dad ready to dive into his cake from his employees back home in Iowa. |
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| Big bunch of balloons (alliteration city!) from all of us. |
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| Dad and his Bob the Builder cake from the family. Chocolate with raspberry filling - YUM! |
Love and Blessings to you all...hopefully next time I post I'll have pictures of mom walking, maybe even a video!
*mandie*
It's Friday afternoon; which means there's really no way we're going to receive our referral call this week at all. To say we're disappointed would be an understatement; yet, we know we should count ourselves lucky that Holt is even ready to be making matches for February HSTK (home studies to Korea). So, we are *trying* to "keep calm and carry on".
Today on one of the Holt online forums, I saw a picture of a baby boy who had just been matched with his family on August 2nd. He was adorable and chubby and had a big tuft of black, wispy hair sticking nearly straight up on top of his head - SO CUTE! I realized that he is probably close to the same age and size as our wee one will be when we get our call - that really hit home!
As much as I want to see our child's face NOW, I know that God has a perfect plan and always has. So, I try try TRY to be patient every day and not look at my phone a million times or check the online forums every quarter hour to somehow, someway discover something I didn't know 15 minutes prior. It is really difficult, but I try to remind myself that waiting for referral will probably be a thousand times easier than waiting for the EP (emigration permit) or TC (travel call).
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Two days ago, I was heading up to mom's hospital room when I ran into Pil (pronounced Pia) who is the Korean wife of Thomas (a fellow cancer fighter who will be receiving his stem cell transplant on the same floor as mom in about a week). She had made a bunch of food, but we were late in the game and missed out on getting to try some of it.
BUT, she did take a picture with me and agree to chat more about Korean culture and food when Thomas comes back for his transplant. She also shared directions on how to get to one of her favorite Korean markets; which happens to be quite close to Zion in the town of Gurnee. Mr. C and I have wanted to go there for a while now, but it's hard to coordinate a time since we are either here at the apartment caring for my sister or at the hospital caring for mom. But we are hoping someday soon we'll be able to go check it out.
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| Pil and I in the CTCA stem cell unit. Please forgive my face - I had not one drop of makeup on, and I look scary! |
We are saying our prayers and crossing all our fingers and toes that this next week will bring some news of Baby C! In the meantime, God grant me patience! ;-)
Love and Blessings,
*mandie*
No word today on the adoption front. *insert sad face here* This is supposedly "our week". It has been taking nearly 7 months from HSTK (home study to Korea) to receive a referral in Holt's standard program. Our HSTK was Valentine's Day; so tomorrow is our 7-month mark. I am hoping against hope that we get a phone call tomorrow, but I'm also trying to remain calm and patient in case we don't hear anything tomorrow or even this week.
I know God has a plan for Baby C, and I want it to be perfect; so, if I have to wait a little bit longer to know who s/he is, that's fine. I just want everything to be exactly as it should be in God's perfect plan.
In the meantime, Mr. C and I have been delving into South Korean culture as much as possible. We listen to a K-Pop station on our car's satellite radio that has been full of amazing information on not only pop music in Korea, but also current culture and trends in our child's home country (everything from clothing trends to what Koreans like to eat during the summertime and thoughts on the 2012 summer Olympics in London). It has been so fun, and many of the DJ's late at night do their shows entirely in English; which is obviously incredibly helpful.
To top things off, last week I met an amazing couple here at the CTCA. The husband, who will receive a stem cell transplant soon, is a war veteran and former Green Beret who is married to a South Korean immigrant. She graciously spoke to Mr. C and I for about an hour, and she gave us some great insight into South Korean family life and how children are raised and taught in schools. She pointed out that there is a Korean market nearby the hospital that has tons of "foodstuffs" and Korean goodies for kids and adults alike.
I found most of it fascinating. There were a few things that were difficult to understand (like her obsession with weight, which seems to be an ongoing undercurrent in Korean culture - THIN is definitely "in") and her idea that boys are inherently "bad" and "prone to misbehaving" (thus needing more strict rules and regulations in family life and school); but overall, I thought she was full of good advice and really got me excited about getting back into trying to make Korean dishes again.
I had already made bulgogi and attempted to make kimchi months ago. The bulgogi turned out fabulously; the kimchi? Not so much. I adore kimchi, but mine was way too salty (unbearable so). Ah well, maybe next time, right?
Recently, I bought Baby C this:
Bibimbap translates to "mixed meal" or "mixed rice" and is one of Korea's staple dishes. It's so popular, there is even a kid's song that people sing about making it for dinner. (I tried to find a really good vid of it online, but couldn't find one I liked well enough; so, that might be in this blog's future, haha!) Mostly, it consists of a bed of rice with all sorts of julienne, stir fried vegetables, topped off with a large dollop of red chili sauce and a raw egg yolk. In short, it looks DELICIOUS. I had never even tasted it, and somehow I was craving it!
I was also excited to try this recipe, because I have been going gluten-free lately. After years upon years of dealing with daily sinus issues, I had had it. I was over feeling constant sinus pressure and pain and being unable to breathe normally every, single day. My sister, M, is gluten-free; but her allergy presents itself through digestive issues. However, after doing a lot of research, I realized that gluten allergies can present themselves through sinus problems just like mine. Making bibimbap gave me an opportunity to create a dish from my child's birth country AND eat a tasty and nutritious gluten-free meal.
So, I dove in. It was a little time consuming to shred all of the veggies just so, because we're still here at the apartment near the CTCA where mom is recovering from her stem cell transplant. This, of course, means that I don't have any of my nice cooking equipment; but it was alright. Here's the end result:
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| This is what it looked like simmering away in the pan. |
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| This is what it looked like "bi bimmed" or "mixed up". DELISH! |
Keeping with my gluten-free trend, I made a couple more recipes lately that turned out really well both of which were from the Gluten Free Goddess blog; which is just fantastic! I highly recommend you checking it out if you are interested in going gluten-free.
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| Lemon infused gluten-free pasta salad with fresh herbs and asparagus. (Yes, that is vegan mayo you see; I was careful to check ALL the ingredients. Gluten can hide in the most unassuming of places!) |
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| Gluten-free cherry crisp. |
AND, we found out that one of our favorite pizza places near the apartment makes a gluten-free crust!
My adventures in the world of gluten-free baking and cooking have only just begun. Yes, it is a little more difficult - you definitely have to be more diligent and mindful; but it is worth it to feel so much better. I'm sure I will be blogging about fun and tasty gluten-free recipes with you all in the future.
I'm so incredibly tired right now; I feel as though I'm in a daze. Thanks for hanging in there with me, because I'm sure this post has been scattered, and I apologize for that. Between the adoption, my sister having several seizures the past few weeks, and being at the hospital for hours at a time with my mom every day, I sometimes feel as though I'm losing my mind. But, I know God is giving me strength and keeping us all on the right path toward restoration and a new life of happiness, health, hope, love, and JOY.
Take care, wherever you may be in this world. Be well, be blessed, be LOVE.
*mandie*
They shouldn't have said a word; because, honestly, now I'm more obsessed than ever.
It's true.
Last week, Mr. C and I were informed that all of the home studies sent to Korea in January 2012 had been matched; which means we are NEXT in line to receive our referral! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Although our home study was technically done in January, a few more pieces of paper were needed and then it all had to be translated; which meant that HSTK (or "home study to Korea") wasn't sent until Valentine's Day. Being the sap that I am, though, I'm okay with this; because, really, could the date be any more significant? Valentine's Day is also a huge holiday in South Korea; so that made it all the more poignant for us.
As exciting as this time is for us, I am learning just how fundamentally flawed my patience factor really is. Essentially, I have none. I also realize that this is only the beginning of the wait for us, really; however, there is something that comforts me in knowing WHO I will be waiting for - or maybe not...we'll see how deep the crazy gets in a few months!
For the time being I check my phone a million times per day, and check the online Holt Korea forums every hour on the hour (if I can). I know that all of this checking and re-checking won't make things happen faster or even at all.
I cannot make my phone ring by looking at it.
However, it gives me a sick sense of comfort to know that I'm at least doing something, even if it's not actually productive or relevant to the outcome.
Truthfully, as incredible, amazing, wonderful, fantastic it is to know that our referral call is only days or weeks away, it's even more mind-boggling to fully grasp the fact that a referral call can't come without being matched with a child. Meaning, our son or daughter is born - alive and breathing and crying and smiling and sleeping and blinking half a world away - they are REAL!
This isn't a mere fantasy or figment of our imaginations; there is an actual, FACTUAL baby that is OURS in this world RIGHT THIS MOMENT. We haven't received the call yet; but really, we're already parents! I could just burst into tears; this is amazing!
Who knew that we would be here after so much heartache and pain?! Who knew my heart could feel this fulfilled and content? Who knew my soul would be bursting with so much joy and hope? God knew. He has answered the desires of my heart. And I cannot WAIT to lay my eyes on our sweet, little baby!
On a quasi-sidenote, we were also told that there is still a good chance that we could receive a referral of a girl; which took us back, because at first we had been told to expect a boy and only a boy. So, if it ends up being a girl, we're going to have a lot of boy's clothes/toys/etc. to put aside for later! Either way, we will be more than delighted!
I hope that the next post I write will be telling you dear readers about OUR CHILD; but in the meantime, be love, be well, be blessed!
LOVE LOVE LOVE,
*mandie*
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