LOVE WINS

Photo copyright www.tolovearose.com 2013.

Today, I am broken...but it is beautiful.

Ten days ago we were supposed to be celebrating 35 years of my parents' marriage on a beach in Florida.  It was mom's "redemption wedding" - the dream day she never got to experience all those years ago; because her vast, party-planning imagination had been hindered by finances and time and hostile in-laws-to-be.  

This time it was going to be beautiful, romantic, and unforgettable - the men would wear sand-colored, linen suits, the girls would don ocean-blue chiffon gowns.  Dad would wait for her under a shimmering altar of twinkle lights as she walked toward him (just like she did on that August day as an 18-year-old bride) in her glamorous, satin and chiffon gown sparkling with seed beads and tiny sequins.

It would have been a glorious day, I'm sure of it.

As I stood in the shower at my parents' house (my dad's house?  it sounds so strange and wrong to say it that way) today, I found myself melting into a puddle of tears again...

This happens often while I'm bathing, simply because it's one of the only times I'm ever truly alone.  It's not that I suffer in silence; in fact, I've always been very open and honest about any struggles or emotions that I'm wading through.  Even so, I find myself crouched in a corner of the shower, whimpering like a lost, little child more often than I care to acknowledge.  I tuck my knees up under my chin, turn the water temperature up to near-scalding, and drown my sobs in the cacophony of the deluge splashing against tile.

I didn't know I was going to have a cry-fest today, but I wasn't surprised when the tears began to choke me.  What did surprise me a bit was the emotional impetus behind them; because for the first time in a long while, instead of crying over sadness, my heart was exploding with gratitude and an overwhelming sense of God's unfailing love.

My arms raised over my head, and I began softly singing praise songs in the glassed-in shower I shared with my middle sister from high school until I left for college.  My voice cracked and croaked through my tears; but I couldn't stop smiling, to the point that my face began to ache.

Ever since mom passed in March, I have been broken - truly shattered - by Abba God's immense capacity for grace and mercy.  I realize that this statement seems strange, and it's nearly impossible to explain sufficiently in human language; but I am learning more and more that sometimes "no" is the answer to prayer that holds the most grace, and sometimes "death" is the gift of truest mercy.

My 53-year-old mother fought for her life with the ferocity of a mama bear defending her cubs or a lioness on the Serengeti who is in desperate need of food for her young.  Her doctors continually said that she was stronger and more determined than anyone they had ever encountered of any age and either gender.  When she arrived at the hospital in November of 2011, they gave her four days to live.  Instead, she survived treatment, went into parts-per-million remission, had a stem cell transplant, endured respiratory failure/TTP/renal failure/GVHD, and lived another year and a half.  In short, she was one tough b*tch; and I say that with tremendous respect.

...................

The morning of March 7th of this year in Zion, IL, we pulled the curtains in mom's enormous hospital room in the stem cell unit of the Cancer Treatment Center of America to an absolutely gorgeous sight.  After weeks of gloomy, dreary winter days, the sun was shining brightly and the clouds were beautiful, puffy cotton candy against an azure sky.  It was a "Kerry" (my mom) kind of day, as if she had special ordered it just for this occasion.

My family was beyond exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally at this point.  We had been up with mom (at this point lying in a drug-induced coma and hooked to a breathing machine working at full capacity) for 15+ hours straight - there was not a moment that she was not being touched, prayed over, or sung to - it was beautiful and it was horrible all at once.

One of mom's doctors took us down the hall to an empty room "to talk".  I gazed around at my family - my dad, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my husband...everyone had bloodshot, wild eyes and everyone seemed to know what he was about to say.

"We've done all we can...God needs to perform a miracle, or she will pass and very soon."

I wasn't shocked...I think God had been preparing my heart for this for a while; but to hear it said so honestly was heart-breaking.  All I could think of were my last moments with her...

She had not had the greatest day, her breathing was immensely labored and her tachycardia was out of control causing her to have incomplete heartbeats one after another.  Although the cancer was completely gone and her stem cells were officially entirely integrated into her system, she was trapped within a body that had the immune response of a newborn baby.  Consequently, when she was hit with a bout of sepsis then bi-lateral pneumonia, it was more than her fragile new immune system could endure.  I cannot even imagine how odd she must have felt; how terrible it must feel to gasp for every breath...

She looked at me and begged me not to go back to the hotel that night and said that she "felt so weird".  Her nurse and I tried to discover why, but it was too late.  Within seconds she was in complete and total respiratory failure - they needed to intubate.  As the respiratory doctor and his team rushed in, I saw his face turn pale and his eyes despondent, "Is there anything you want to say to her?"  He said to me in a hushed, serious tone.

"What?"  I was in shock; I couldn't think straight - she had been intubated before and made it through, but this was different, I could tell.

His hand grabbed my arm firmly yet gently and directed me toward my mom's bedside, "You should go say something to her."

"Oh my God, yes - of course!"  I rushed to my mom's left side, very near her ear so she could hear me over the commotion around us.  Her head was bobbing as though she was going to pass out and she had nurses and respiratory staff all around her already.  I grabbed her left hand gently and spoke louder than I would have liked, "Mom, they're going to intubate you so you can breathe, okay?  It's going to help you.  I love you so much!"

And that was it.  We were shoved out of the room and watched from the hallway as they intubated mom.  I could hear her say something to one of the nurses, but it was too loud for me to catch exactly what she said...those were her last words here on earth.

Forty-eight hours later, I stood over my mother, repeating the last few verses of Psalm 91 over her bruised and battered body.  The gravity of the situation began to overwhelm me: 1.) I had said my last words to the woman who had birthed me two days before.  2.) She was going to pass. 3.) I would have to live the rest of my life without her physically here. 4.) My son and other future children would never know their grandmother in this life. 5.) My father was going to be a widower.  6.) Nothing would ever be the same again. 7.) This. Was. Happening.

My sister, M, was singing a line from a spontaneous worship song over and over again, "Let your glory come and fill this place, let your glory come and overtake..."  I kept thinking, "Is this glory?"  And yet, even in that moment of soul-shaking, heart-pounding, gut-wrenching sorrow I somehow knew that it truly was.

Everyone had said their good-byes, and the doctors had told us to unplug the machines.  We surrounded her bed with all of us family members, several nurses, and one of her doctors; and we all just touched her and prayed and sang.  We had the hospital chaplain (who had become a very dear friend) on speaker phone since she was out of town; and she was ending a prayer, "In Jesus' name PEACE, in Jesus' name PEACE, in Jesus' name PEACE...".  She said it over and over and over again, and sometime in that 4 minute prayer, my mother drifted so tranquilly from this world that no one in the room even knew the event had occurred - we had to be told by a nurse from the station in the hallway.

There was no need to turn off any machines, my mother did the impossible and passed from this world without the need for something dramatic like that...her death was probably the most peaceful and most graceful act of her entire life.

They had brought us a bereavement tray outside; which M had refused to use, because "they only bring it when someone is dying", and we had all been fiercely denying that this would be mom's reality.  But after the phone calls and arrangements had been made, I walked to the cart to make myself a tea.

"Are you really going to use that stupid tray?" she asked me.

"Yes," I retorted defiantly mid-pour. "I'm using this f*cking tray!"

Not my best moment, but I was raw.  We all were.

Like a crazed lunch-lady, I wheeled the tray into my mom's room, right next to her bed where her body still lay and grabbed my tea and a muffin.  I pulled up one of the extra folding chairs they had brought in during the night, and I sat there eating my makeshift breakfast next to my mother's shell of a body, talking to her as if she were still there.  My sisters joined me, and it was oddly nice.  We told mom we knew she had waited for this beautiful day, and we joked about how she tricked us and left when we didn't notice.  True, we were probably delirious with sleep deprivation; but I think we honestly enjoyed those last few moments with her body.   

For the first time in years, I wasn't worried about her.  I wasn't watching her monitors checking her pulse, blood pressure, or oxygenation levels.  I didn't have to calculate in my head what any of that meant.  I didn't have to search her face for visible signs of pain or distress.  None of that mattered anymore; she was at peace, and she always would be.

..................................

To many, I'm sure my mother's death looked a lot like losing.  To those who don't understand, I'm sure it looked much like unanswered prayers and lost dreams.  To outsiders, I'm sure it looked like the definition of grief and fear and anger and disappointment and loss.

But looks can be deceiving.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see...By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible."  (Hebrews 11:1 & 3, NIV)

I think sometimes people (and myself included) assume that this verse means that if we only have enough faith, God will answer our prayers just the way we want Him to, exactly when we expect Him to.  Now, PLEASE, do NOT take this the wrong way!  I know and trust and believe that our Abba in Heaven is mighty to save and heal and answer any prayers that you send His way; BUT, I am learning more and more that my faith should not be contingent upon His ability to answer my prayers and give me what I want, His mightiness is not based on what He does for me, and His holiness and worthiness to be praised is not defined by how much He blesses me.  

Whether I live or whether I die, GOD IS STILL GOOD - ALWAYS.  Whether He answers my prayers or not, HE IS STILL THE KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.  Whether He blesses me beyond measure is irrelevant in regards to His ability to do so.

Regardless of my circumstances or trials or blessings or lack thereof, nothing can remove the power of the cross and Christ's ultimate act of love and sacrifice.


"There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were put to death by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated ^_  the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.  These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." (Hebrews 11:35-40, NIV)

Sometimes the most gentlemanly, good-daddy, merciful act of grace God can perform is to say "no" to my prayers.

Just because God didn't answer my prayer to restore my mother, doesn't meant He didn't perform an act of mercy for her.  My unanswered prayer might have been her greatest desire.  I can't imagine what it must have felt like to be stuck in her body - she was in so much pain and was facing kidney dialysis for the rest of her life (she despised dialysis and was in great pain when they did her daily treatment) and intensive physical therapy to learn how to walk again for the second time post-transplant - death was the greatest mercy He could have afforded her.

I know my mother was given a choice in the end.  Some people will probably disagree with me; but as I watched her final moments,  I truly believe my mother made the choice to exit her fleshly jail cell so she could enjoy the unspeakable freedom of eternal life.   As soon as the nephrologist announced loudly in her room that it was "time for dialysis!" her numbers slipped quickly.  I know subconsciously (or perhaps very CONSCIOUSLY) she was deciding that she did not want to endure that ever again, that we would all be okay in the end, and that she was ready to go home. He let her go peacefully when everyone said it would be painful and terrible to watch let alone experience.

What amazing grace!  What unfailing love!

The same Jehovah Jireh who provided a perfect, 10 out of 10 rating stem cell donor from half-way around the world in France when the doctors were afraid they might never find her a suitable match due to her tricky biological heritage...the same Jehovah Rapha who had HEALED her of stage four Philadelphia positive, adult, acute lymphoblastic leukemia even in the parts-per-million of her cells (this only happens to 1% of patients in her position)...the same Abba God who had answered her prayers and shown her so many miracles was allowing her to come home to His loving arms. 

She had run her race with dignity and strength and tremendous endurance; and she had earned her resurrection with grace.  She is where we are all striving to be.  She is in the eternal city of hope and peace.


I stood in the shower today consumed by the blazing inferno of my Abba's great love for me.  He has been faithful to keep His promise time and again these past five months, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." (John 14:18, KJV).  In so many ways, He has been gently soothing all the aches and broken places in my heart...whispering His great love for me in the quiet moments, because He knows that's when I hear Him best.  He has been so good to me, and I am so grateful.



On the outside, it looks like cancer won, that hurt won, that loss won, that death won in my mom's life and circumstances.

But I'm on the inside, and I'm here to tell you that in reality LOVE WON.

LOVE ALWAYS WINS.  LOVE WILL ALWAYS WIN - FOREVER AND EVER - LOVE WINS. 

I am certain of this just as I am certain that she is more alive right now than you or I.

Our great Abba's love is UNFAILING (really let the weight of that word impress itself upon you for a moment - amazing right?!).  

Love is louder, love is stronger, love is more powerful than anything we will encounter - even death.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39, NIV).


I LOVE you, mom.  Until eternity starts for me, you're here in my heart.

With a Heart Full of Love,
*mandie* 

Natural and Eco-Friendly Health, Beauty, and Home Care

One of my favorite spots on the farm where I grew up.

Many people don't know this, but I grew up on an organic farm in Iowa.  Eating organic, recycling, finding alternative power sources, using natural health/beauty/house cleaning products, etc. has been a part of my family's life for decades.  Being with mom through two cancer diagnoses, though, has made us hyper aware of our health and specifically what we put in our bodies, what we put on our bodies (I'm talking to you, ladies - our skin is extremely absorbent), and what we use to clean the environment around our bodies.

Me on the farm in 2009.

I realize that there are people who do "everything right" - eating well and taking good care of themselves - and they still get cancer or get sick.  I'm not claiming that by using natural products I am exempt from illness, but I do want to try my very hardest to take the best care of myself that I can by using products that are as natural as possible.  I also feel that it is our duty to care for the Earth and many of these products are kind to this planet we inhabit as well - a double whammy of goodness for body and environment.

When we were at the CTCA, people would often ask me what natural health and beauty products I used.  There are now so many all-natural companies offering excellent options, I really encourage everyone to go out and try things for themselves as tastes vary so much from person to person; however, I do happen to have some favorites that I love to recommend, because I think they're just so darn good!

Many of the products listed below can be found at some of my favorite online retailers as well as convenient shops in nearly everyone's neighborhood such as Target, Lucky Vitamin, Amazon, Vitacost, and others.  Look around and seek out the best price at the time; which might change from month to month or even week to week with sales and specials.

Favorite Shampoo and Conditioner: Giovanni Tea Tree Triple Treat Shampoo and Conditioner

These two are by far my favorite hair care products!  Mr. C and I both love this pair by Giovanni Cosmetics.  The tea tree oil is invigorating as it tingles the scalp.  The smell is almost minty and not at all overwhelming like some tea tree products can be.  I also love that it is safe for color treated hair (more on natural hair color further down).  Most conditioners leave my uber-straight, fine hair feeling heavy or at worst greasy.  This conditioner is light yet moisturizing.  All-in-all, I adore these products!

Runner Up: Avalon Organics Lavender Shampoo

I'm a big fan of Avalon Organics.  I think their product line is amazing, and this shampoo is really nice.  All of the scents are lovely, but there's something soothing about the lavender that I simply love.  It has a matching conditioner as well, and they both come in large bottles (shown above) with pumps that last forever and give you the best bang for your buck.

Favorite Body Wash: Dr. Bronner's Magic Castille Soap

Mr. C and I just recently started delving into the fantastic world of Dr. Bronner's magic soaps, but can I just say this company is amazing!  I am so impressed with their ethics and commitment to creating the best soaps with the highest quality, fair-trade ingredients possible.

Most natural soaps (shampoos included) don't lather as much as their chemically-laden counterparts, because they are lacking the nasty stuff (sulfates, phthalates, etc.) that are known carcinogens and therefore bad for you.  Dr. Bronner's castille soap still gets super luxurious lather, though, by using massive quantities of fair-trade coconut oil.

They also offer about a million scents (okay, that's hyperbole, but there's a LOT of them, really!).  I like to mix and match them in the shower to create my own, signature body wash scent based on my mood and how my skin is feeling.  For example, most days, I love mixing the almond and rose for a sweet and feminine scent; but if I have a few blemishes trying to pop out, I'll use the tea tree or eucalyptus oil soaps because of their bacteria-killing qualities (bye-bye break-outs!).  And just for clarification, this stuff is SO GOOD, I use it as facial cleanser, body wash, and bubble bath.  It's also good for making an all-purpose cleaner and laundry soap. :-)

Runner Up: Jason Soothing Aloe Vera Body Wash

The Jason company has been a pioneer in the natural body care market for decades.  Their products are top-notch in quality and their selection is vast.  Mr. C and I love the aloe body wash for its neutral scent and soothing properties (it's very kind to Mr. C's year-round dry skin).  These body washes also double nicely has bubble baths. ;-)

Favorite Deodorant: Soap Walla Deodorant Cream

My struggle to find an effective, natural deodorant has been literally years in the process.  I think I've tried nearly every brand and every product type available to no avail.  My main goal was to cut out antiperspirants from my daily routine since they contain aluminum which is linked to breast cancer and Alzheimer disease (and we apply this stuff to our under-arms, a place chock-full of lymph nodes - ugh!).  

While I quickly got over the fact that I do, in fact, sweat (imagine that!); it was harder to get over the constantly sticky feeling most of these vegetable oil based deodorants left behind.  But I could have dealt with just about anything to find a natural deodorant that actually deodorized!  Most of the time I felt as though I needed to apologize for my own "stank".  I'm all for embracing the human body's natural processes (such as sweating), but I'm just not one of the those folks that feels everyone should have to endure my smelliness therefore.

I had all but given up on the possibility of finding a truly effective natural deodorant when I stumbled upon an online review of Soap Walla's deodorant cream.  Yes, I said cream.  Instead of the traditional hard stick, this deodorant comes in a little tub and is applied like a lotion to the under-arms.

At first, I thought this would be a massive inconvenience; but as I started using this product on a daily basis, I quickly got over any reservations I may have initially harbored toward this incredible product.  This deodorant goes on easily and soaks in quickly - no wetness left behind.  The best part is that it's not at all sticky and (wait for it) it actually works!  Unlike most all the other natural deodorants I had tried over the years, I apply this once in the morning and it lasts all day!  Miracle of miracles!  The smell isn't over-powering at all, yet it's effective; and it is so masterfully compounded that I truly believe both men and women could get away with wearing it without feeling as though they are compromising their masculinity or femininity, respectively.  Tea tree oil is used to keep bacteria from growing (and making the aforementioned "stank") while natural powders and clays help to dry up any wetness that may occur.  

I cannot stop bragging up this product; it is truly that amazing!

Favorite Toothpaste: Tom's of Maine Spearmint Fluoride-Free Antiplaque & Whitening Toothpaste

Tom's of Maine has some of the best natural toothpastes around, in my opinion.  In my experience, many natural tooth polishes are gritty and taste terrible.  Spearmint is my personal favorite as far as toothpaste flavors go, and this one is fresh and invigorating.  I also love knowing that I'm using a natural toothpaste without having to forgo whitening benefits - win-win!

Favorite Lip Balm: EOS in Sweet Mint

There's just something about those bright, little, round globes of lip goo goodness by EOS that I can't help but be drawn to time and again.  My favorite lip balms are almost always some type of mint, because they double as breath fresheners; but EOS' sweet mint is especially tasty and not at all over-powering.  

The little dome of balm is held in an egg-like container that fits surprisingly well in my new small handbag, and I love how easily it glides on my lips.  Best of all it's nearly all organic, and is entirely natural - very important for a beauty product you literally end up eating most of the time!

Runner Up: Burt's Bees Mango Butter Lip Balm

I really love the original Burt's Bees lip balm, but the fruity flavors have been growing on me lately.  Mango is one of my favorite flavors and fruity scents; so, I was drawn to this balm immediately.  It glides on smoothly, smells (and tastes) great, and is 100% natural.  

Favorite Moisturizing Body Lotion: Renew Melaleuca Intensive Skin Therapy Lotion

Over the past few years, as I've entered my early 30's, I've noticed that my skin has begun to get fairly dry and itchy on a regular basis (an issue I never had to deal with before).  I would often slap on some scented lotion from a prominent beauty goods chain only to find I was still dry and often sensitive to the harsh chemicals and scents in their products.

My parents buy each month from the Melaleuca product line, and one day my dad offered me a bottle of their Renew lotion.  I was hooked!  I especially love to lather this on after I've shaved or after a hot shower. It soaks right in without feeling too thick or gooey.  Although, I love nice smells as much as the next girl, this isn't full of fragrance; which is actually good in my opinion for irritated or dry skin, especially in the winter.

Favorite Shave Lotion: Kiss My Face Green Tea and Bamboo Moisture Shave

Although, I believe these moisture shaves by Kiss My Face are intended for men's shaving needs, I find they work well for a woman's as well.  My dad always used the key lime scent, and once when I was out of shaving cream of my own I used it on my legs.  I was pleasantly surprised, so much so that I bought my own bottle; later, I decided to try a new scent, and the was drawn to the fresh, clean fragrance of the green tea and bamboo.

For those women who find their legs getting particularly dry or irritate during/after shaving (or men whose faces feel the same), I highly recommend this product!

Favorite Hair Dye: Naturtint Natural Hair Color in Fireland

Naturtint's natural colors are as convenient as any other box dye without all the extra nasty stuff that comes along with those commercial brands.  Dark hair dyes have been linked to cancer; but as a person who has been dying her hair since she was 13, it was important to me to find an alternative that worked just as well as any other dye I could find.

You can mix any of their colors to get just the right shade, and because it's all natural (NOT henna) you can dye over it within hours if you absolutely hate how it turned out.  I always go for a red; so Fireland is a natural choice, but my sister, W, has used the mahogany-chestnut and it turned out really nicely.

I haven't had an opportunity to mix a custom color yet, but it might be in the near future. :-)  

Favorite Baby All-In-One: California Baby Calming Shampoo and Bodywash

Okay, so truthfully, as you all know I have obviously not been able to put this one into practice yet; but this really is the product we plan on using on Desmond when he gets home from South Korea.  In fact, we're pretty enamored with the whole California Baby product line in general.  All of their products are allergy tested, and many are free of gluten and other known allergens that can irritate sensitive baby skin causing rashes.

Usually, I love anything labeled "calming" (after all, who couldn't use a little more calm in their life?!); and this body wash was no exception.  Desmond's developmental report says he loves bath time; so, I'm hoping this soothing body wash will help keep him loving it even after he comes home to us.

Runner Up: Dr. Bronner's Baby Mild Liquid Soap

Yep, it's Dr. Bronner's again!  I've already sent Desmond's foster omma a bottle of this to use on his hair and body.  It's completely scent-free; so, I know there's nothing in it to cause an allergic reaction and irritate his skin.  I'm also considering washing his clothes in this as it doubles as a laundry detergent (it even comes in a convenient one gallon jug size for that purpose).  

Favorite Household Cleaner: Homemade Vinegar Solution

Mr. C and I have been making our own, homemade household cleaner out of organic vinegar, alcohol, water, and essential oils.  Recently, we've taken to putting several drops of either eucalyptus or tea tree oils for their bacteria -killing properties.

I feel good knowing that we are saving money on these long-lasting homemade products as well as cleaning with a solution that is safe to spray around my soon-to-be toddler and pets.

Runner Up: Earth's Best All Natural All Purpose Cleaner

This is touted as a "nursery cleaner", but it's really just an all-purpose cleaner that's safe enough to use in a nursery.  Earth's Best is one of my favorite product lines for infants and toddlers.  In fact, we are sending Desmond some of their organic formula in a care package.  I just love their commitment to organic children's food products; warms this momma-to-be's heart.

Favorite Laundry Detergent: Homemade

I like this recipe from one of my favorite blogs The Eco Friendly Family.  It's simple, cheap, and makes a ton!

Runner Up: Seventh Generation 2x Concentrated Laundry Detergent

My family has been using Seventh Generation products for a long while now, and I've always been a big fan of their laundry detergent.

There are more products that I love; so, I think I might have to follow this up with another post.  But I hope this has given all of you just beginning to delve into the world of natural health/beauty and home care products a good jumping off point.

Be Well, Be Blessed,

*mandie*