A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today, my family sat in a small but bright room in the stem cell unit of the Cancer Treatment Center of America in Zion, IL.  My mom was in remission from Philadelphia positive, adult, acute lymphoblastic leukemia; and it was day #1 of her two-day stem cell transplant.  We knew little about her non-related donor, except that he was a "he", young, and French.  So, to take the edge off of such a weighty day, we threw a French "mustache" RE-birthday party - after all, this was going to be mom's second chance at life, we had to celebrate it!

Mom and I during her French "mustache" transplant party, May 24th, 2012.

Today, a year later, I sit in front of my computer, in my small office in my house in Branson, MO...missing my mom like crazy and crying like a little girl.

Every major holiday or event that has occurred since mom passed on March 7th of this year, I have thought that I needed to write something here - Easter, my son's baby shower, Mother's Day, my 32nd birthday...but I just couldn't.  Even now, the words spill out dead and meaningless...nothing is enough, nothing is adequate, nothing will ever be right again.

I cannot describe to you right now how sad I feel most every day, but the worst is knowing that I have lost my mother when I myself am FINALLY on the cusp of becoming a mother myself.  It breaks my heart.  And it really hurts knowing that my son will never know his grandmother here on earth - she would have been the BEST!  She felt such a kindred connection to him since she was also adopted, and she had so many plans for life with him.

There is nothing left for me to say here...I'm just not ready, but I want to thank those who have stopped by to check in on me.  I appreciate knowing that someone out there cares.  And, hopefully, in the near future, I'll be able to write more or at least have something more eloquent to say - my mom deserves that much.

*mandie*