To Love a Rose: An Ethiopian Adoption Journal

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Switching Gears

Well, today was not the day I wanted it to be.  I had my one-year check-up with Dr. K to see how my cervix was looking after my LEEP surgery last September.  While I had colposcopies in December and March, nothing too intense was done at those times for the mild displaysia that was found both times since Mr. C and I were TTC with meds during those months.

Today, Dr. K found that the two areas that had shown up with displaysia before (in March) were gone; however, three more areas on the other side of my cervix were showing up as displaysia under the colposcope.


Actually, Dr. K's reaction made me pretty angry.  He essentially said that since my body just keeps allowing this to happen that I'll just end up with cervical cancer one day.

I REFUSE to believe that.

The biopsies today hurt like hell.  Mr. C came with me, and he said that Dr. K was taking large chunks of cervix for the biopsies - all this with NO pain medication - not even a topical.  Yeah.

Dr. K said he was going to test for all of the main HPV's that cause cervical cancer (mainly 16 and 18) as well as pre-cancer in the biopsies; so, he needed "a lot".

I suppose the other thing that bugged me about Dr. K today was the fact that he kept insisting that that I must have one of the cancer causing HPV's.   

(A little history: I contracted HPV after being raped in October of 2005.  While I know that I could have contracted much worse, it still makes me extremely angry knowing that my rapist left me this terrible disease which is now haunting me and causing me so much trouble, YEARS after he raped me.  It makes me very, very angry.) 

Anyway, what gets me is that Dr. K has tested me three previous times for these HPV's.  Each time, they have come back negative.  I don't understand why he's essentially giving up on me and resorting to believing it's cancer when we don't even have the results of my biopsies yet.  Mind you, my past two biopsies came back NEGATIVE for advanced pre-cancer.  Why are doctors like this?!  Argh!

To keep the current displaysia from getting any worse in the meantime, Dr. K went ahead and did an acid wash on my cervix (not as bad as it sounds).  It's essentially Compound W for cervical displaysia.  I didn't really even feel anything (again, NO pain meds); so, that was good.  He said that best case scenario, my biopsies will come back negative; which will make the next step maintenance and suppression with more of this acid washing. 


BUT, seeing how the alternative is another LEEP and even less of my cervix being left around, I'll take it!  (Any prayers that the biopsy results will be in my favor would be MUCH appreciated!)

OH, and I forgot to, I guess I'll just show you all:

That's right.  I'm back on BCP's.  You'll notice one is even gone already.  I started today.

I have to tell you, it was pretty emotional taking that pill today.  Even though I was in quite a bit of pain from the biopsies, this felt just as bad...well, maybe not "bad" but at least totally surreal.  It has really hit me that it's over.  Probably forever.

There are so many benefits to me taking the BCP's right now: they will help shrink the cysts on my ovaries, they will regulate my cycles, they will force my lining to shed properly each month (coming from a long line of endometrial cancer, this is important!), they will ensure we do not get pregnant (*gulp*) during the adoption (if we get pregnant during the adoption, it will immediately be terminated).

Mr. C and I had a long conversation about not only the BCP's, but my long-term fertility diagnosis.  It has become quite plain to me recently that I may have already lost my fertility.  My PCOS may have already gone too far to be fixed.  The probability of my never, ever being able to get pregnant - not even with ovarian drilling or IVF - is very real.  And although it may be hard to understand (even for myself at times), I am really becoming okay with this.  I suppose I am finally resigning to this reality, and (although this might change from time to time) I am not even angry about this.

It feels so strange to be out-right preventing something we have been desiring and working towards for nearly 3 straight years.  It's going to be incredibly odd to not get up and automatically take my temperature.  It's going to be weird to not document my cervical position and mucus.  It's going to be mind-boggling to no longer use OPK's or progesterone cream.

But also, it's going to be wonderful.  To be "normal".  To not have to analyze every twinge and twitch I feel my body make.  To not have to worry if what's I'm doing or eating or exposed to will hurt a potential egg, ovulation, embryo, pregnancy...

Also, I know that this is just step one on the path to making the adoption a reality.

Which brings me to another bit of fear for me.  Last year, Dr. K said he would NOT write my health release letter for our Ethiopian adoption until I had good biopsies come back after my LEEP.  Now, he seems more cooperative; but I just do not need anything else standing in our way.  I NEED the biopsies to come back good; so, Dr. K will write my medical release and the adoption can continue as planned.  PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE!!!!!

All that said, today marks exactly TWO WEEKS until our third anniversary and the adoption officially beginning!  HOORAY!  My sister, M, said to me that she had never seen me more happy than when I spoke of the adoption.  I know she's right.  I am so excited for this adoption to get going...I cannot wait to be a mommy - FINALLY!

So again: any prayers for good biopsy results and the adoption process in general would be GREATLY appreciated! :-)

It's really happening, the switching of gears.  The refocusing has begun - from infertility to a new kind of fertility of the heart.  I feel as though my soul could burst from joy!  I have walked through the fire, burned off the excess, and have come out on the other side whole, even in my brokenness, and ready to be the best mommy I can be.

Please, God, let it really happen this time...PLEASE.


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