Paper Pregnant!

Mr. C and I outside the Holt International Kansas City office after receiving our required parent-in-process training classes.  You can see the reflection of our new friend, K, taking our picture for us.

Well, it's officially OFFICIAL, everyone!  We are [paper] pregnant!  *dancing*  I heard another adoptive mom-to-be say, "There aren't any stretch marks, but boy are paper cuts painful."  Soooo right - literally and figuratively! 

Last weekend was spent in Kansas City getting our required 12 hours of parenting classes.  It seems like it would be long and tedious, but we really enjoyed it and met some wonderful families who are in process just like us.  Most exciting was meeting a young family who just received their referral of a beautiful baby girl from Korea.  Hearing stories like this really gives us hope - with patience we WILL get to our child, FINALLY!

Possibly the most intriguing part of the whole weekend, for me, was getting to watch videos Holt had made in which they interviewed adoptees themselves.  Wow!  Very eye-opening!  Mr. C and I were both super grateful to hear these candid conversations on what it means to not only be adopted, but also what it means to be adopted into families that often do not identify with you culturally or ethnically.  The kids and adult adoptees were so insightful and full of wisdom and truth, I had to keep myself from crying most of the time; because they were saying such beautiful, heart-wrenching statements of what it means to be a family, adopted, loved, a person of color, adopted-American, etc.

I can honestly say that while I went into the weekend thinking, "Ugh, this is just something boring and tedious I have to do in order for the adoption to go through."  I left feeling much differently - very humbled and grateful for the entire process.  And honestly, most of what we talked about, while specifically related to adoption, could probably truly benefit parents of biological children too.  I think it would be great if every new parent could not just "be forced" to go through a class like this, but to have the benefit of such a valuable resource.

Holt stresses the concept of being "adopted for life", and I think it really showed in the weekend's seminars that there are constant, valuable, and often FREE resources available for our child and family in the decades of life to come.  We are NOT ALONE in this process and never will be.  Our child will have access to counselors, camps, seminars, meetings, fellowship groups, etc. where they can speak honestly and be respected and cared for in any capacity that they might need.  That was really comforting to me.  Thank GOD for this agency that doesn't just care about the trade of services for a fee, but the overall and total well-being of my child for life!  We are so blessed!

So, what's the next step?  You are probably wondering this.  Well, our home study is over and approved, we've finished the PIP classes, and we're getting ready to apply for our I-600A (visa for Mr. C and I to travel to Korea to adopt Baby C).  So, really, we're just in the "hurry up and wait" mode.  Which, really, we're not in a hurry at all.  As much as we would like Baby C home ASAP, we are realistic about the wait times and the circumstances of our life right now.  So, here is how we plan on spending the months until we get our referral for Baby C and then approval for travel:

1. FUNDRAISE LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE:  That's right...we're going to be doing LOTS of fund-raising.  Honestly, I don't know how people afford adoption without grants, loans, and fund-raising.  Yes, there's a part of me that says, "Well, people who have children biologically don't ask others for cash.  How is it fair to ask for assistance when adopting?"  But here's the hard core truth: if we got pregnant, our insurance would pay for EVERYTHING, and I mean that quite literally.  The only cost we would have out of pocket is our $3,000 deductible (if applicable).  Conversely, our entire adoption will cost $20,000; and we have no luxury of being helped by insurance, etc.  It's "out of pocket", folks! 

(And yes, I hear all the time from people..."Well then why don't you adopt through the state?  It's practically FREE!"  I could get really cranky here, but I won't.  We have MANY reasons for not going through the state.  MANY.  This is what's right for our family at the moment; so, this is what we're going to do.  You don't have to like it or agree with us - that's fine.  We don't care.  We have prayed about it and believe this is right for us.)

So, in addition to MUCH grant-writing and filling out loan applications, we will be running our own little on-going fund-raiser.  For every increment of money given, there will be a different gift for the donation.  So, we are giving back a little "thank you" gift for every, single bit of assistance you give us on this journey.  Why?  Because we are SO GRATEFUL that you care enough to help us bring Baby C home!  *More on our fund-raising website coming soon!

2. GET MOM READY FOR HER TRANSPLANT:  Mom is officially half-way done with her chemotherapy treatments which are preparing her for her bone marrow/stem cell (the phrases are interchangeable, really) transplant.  In total, mom's protocol before transplant is four rounds with two parts each of chemo, or you could look at it as eight total rounds of chemo.  Mom just finished round four - exactly half-way done!

We leave Branson for Zion again on Monday morning.  We're switching off with M to help dad.  I have no clue how long we'll be there this time (last time I was there for 2 1/2 months straight!).  Because of mom's current situation, I'm not really in a huge rush to get our referral and travel; which is good, because the whole process start to finish can take a while...12 to 18 months.  But as you can see, we have plenty to keep us busy in the meantime.

I really want mom to feel as good as possible when Baby C comes home.  I don't want her to feel stressed and out of the loop, just because she's still dealing with recovery.  Deep-down, I know that God will bring our baby home at the perfect time for our entire family so that it can be celebrated as the truly miraculous and joyous occasion that it IS going to be.  So, for now, I just try to live in as much peace as possible.

3. FINISH THE NURSERY/HOUSE:  Currently, the nursery looks like this:

We made the elephant/chevron curtains ourselves.  The black and white flag/banners were just added last week.

So, as you can see, we have a long way to go yet.  We have several art pieces that need to be hung on the walls; and we need to order the furniture we've been researching for months and months now.  Right now, the room looks a little boy-ish to me; but Mr. C disagrees, he thinks it looks perfectly gender neutral.  I'm not too worried about it either way, though; because we always intended to throw another accent color in when we found out the gender of Baby C - teal for a boy and varying shades of pink for a girl.

I have to say, it's pretty darn fun decorating a room for a wee one!  I keep imagining what it's going to be like when the baby is home FOR REAL - it's a bit surreal at the moment.  We've got lots of fun things on our crafting schedule for the nursery too; we really have a lot of fun making things for our house, so this is no different, of course.

There are a few finishing touches that the loft itself needs too - such as the office which needs finishing and some paint touch-ups throughout the house and furniture for the living room, etc.  One step at a time!

*To be continued...obviously!

4. GET MY INNER-SELF IN ORDER:  I'm sure most future mothers think, "Oh gosh, I'm pregnant, I've got so much to do in these next 9 months!"  But, I think for me, beyond my writing and music projects (which, don't get me wrong, ARE a source of stress in a way), I need to work on my inner-self.

It's no surprise that the last several months have been terribly stressful for me, but until Mr. C and I got home on the 9th of this month, I hadn't realized that I had not been dealing with anything (truly, emotionally/mentally).  And I broke down.  I'm not too proud to admit it - I really do think I had a sort of mental break this past week.

I know what set me off - an allergic reaction to a sleep aid - and after that I was on pins and needles every day.  It was as if months and months of anxiety came bursting through all at once.  And it hit me HARD.  Very hard.  And I even had a thought last week, "Am I ever going to recover from this terrible and terrifying anxiety?"  That thought only made things worse, of course...but it was a real fear at the time.

I can tell you right now that I'm not 100% again.  And I can also say, I'm not sure I ever really was 100% to begin with.  The last few years have been incredibly stressful for my entire family, and as I started to confront some of the darkness I was encountering the past couple of weeks, I think {looking back now} that I probably have never let myself grieve, be scared, break down, or be honestly vulnerable through any of it.

Even now, it's not easy for me to write this; but I need to.  I need to be honest out in the open, because I'm beginning to believe it is a necessary step in my healing process.

So, that's the truth - I'm Mandie, and I have anxiety.  Yes, I know that having a kid isn't going to make this fact easier; but I also know that I'm not the only one coping with this chronically who still has to make things work and keep on pushing through life.  I know God is helping me put the pieces back together, and I'll "get there"...I really will.  Everything is going to be (better than!) okay.

Those are my goals before Baby C arrives...

I know that some of them will take more time than others...some have set schedules over which I have no control, and others are a day-by-day process; but the one thing that keeps me going through it all is knowing that we are "paper pregnant".  That we are on a straight-shot to Baby C, and that our dream of being parents is only months away - how amazing is that?!  God is SO GOOD!

Many Blessings to You and Yours,
*mandie*

Happy New Year, Happy New Post!

A note I wrote to mom on New Year's Eve...it IS going to be a GREAT year!

Today, mom is out-patient again for a while; which is fabulous and exciting.  Mom always loves being OUT.  I don't blame her, it's hard to feel like a normal person when you spend months at a time in a hospital room wearing a gown and eating off of trays.  So, we're all happy she could get out again.

Actually, it's pretty amazing/miraculous that she's been allowed out at all to begin with.  One of her nurses informed her that most leukemia patients in her position, are so bad they aren't allowed to be out-patient EVER in the whole process, and this is mom's SECOND time as an out-patient; so, that's a testament to how powerful and wonderful God is - keeping mom safe and her numbers up every step of this journey.

Being out-patient, she still has to stop by the stem cell unit out-patient clinic every day to have her blood drawn in case she needs something like potassium, magnesium, or blood/platelets.  But so far this cycle, she hasn't had any real issues.  Of course, she's been tired, a bit dizzy, etc.; but it's nothing compared to what she could be feeling, so we are grateful!

We also got some amazing news today:  a committee comprised of mom's two doctors, another doctor, and the stem cell world-wide databank liaison met today to pick mom's donor out of her three possible donors!  All three donors were notified a few weeks ago that they were possible matches for mom, and all three signed the releases to continue to round two of testing and on to the end if necessary.  Thank you GOD for these amazing, willing, giving people!

Once the committee picks the donor with the closest match possible, then said donor will be given shots to stimulate their bone marrow to begin producing over-time for about 5-10 days.  After that time, their stem cells/bone marrow (we were told these phrases are used interchangeably) will be "harvested" (a fairly painless process for the majority of people who go through it that is akin to a combination of giving blood and dialysis), frozen, and sent here to America.

It is amazing to me how God has had a hand in this from the beginning.  His plan is so far-reaching and always has been; He truly cares for us, and wants to heal us and get us through whatever we are enduring.

Mom was super tired on New Year's Eve; so, Mr. C and I went back to the Guesthouse North to hang out with the other patients/families there celebrating in the common room downstairs.  The CTCA is amazing, and always tries to have festivities available for each holiday/special time of year for those of us forced to be here when we'd much rather be home.  We had a pretty decent night...there was sparkling cider, music, party hats/noise makers/funny glasses, and all sorts of finger snacks.  It was really nice.

Mr. C and I in the CTCA Guesthouse North for New Year's Eve.

 The next day, Mr. C and I had a day off from the cancer center; my sister, M and her husband C, stayed with mom.  This was literally my first day away from the hospital since November 16th.  We hardly knew what to do with ourselves...we literally mostly just wandered around for the first part of the day; it felt so weird to not be on a schedule or hurry up to get to the hospital room to sit and wait all day.

We ate at the Rainforest Cafe (a place I had not been to since I left Nashville in 2004); then we visited a place called Serpent Safari to hang out with a bunch of cool reptiles - it was a blast!  And lastly, we went to a movie theater and watched the new Sherlock Holmes.  It was great to be "normal".

Mr. C with his seafood cannelloni.

The world's heaviest snake (not longest, just heaviest); she was beautiful!

Can't believe I caught this shot of this snake yawning - so cool!

Me with my favorite animal at the zoo, a crocodile monitor lizard; he was so adorable!

I hope you all had a fabulous time ushering in the New Year; and I wish for you ALL a year to follow that is over-flowing with all of God's greatest blessings!

Be Well...Be Love,
*mandie*

Pictures from the Cancer Battlefield, Part 5 (Christmas!)

Me "breaking mom out" of the stem cell unit for her 5 day break/out-patient stint.

Mom was blessed to have high enough blood levels to have 5 days as an out-patient over Christmas holiday.  It was a much-needed breath of fresh air (literally) for mom.  She really enjoyed being able to sleep in a normal bed and not be hooked up to monitors and IV's.

Vilma, one of mom's fabulous stem cell unit nurses, invited mom, dad, W, Mr. C, and I to her house for Christmas dinner.  Yes, that's right, her HOUSE!  She is such a sweet person, and we were all so grateful to have a place to celebrate the holiday.

When you're in s situation like this where you are away from home for months at a time, you are truly at the mercy of other people's kindness.  I have been humbled to the point of uncontrollable tears by the displays of compassion from those who are often complete strangers.  If you are doubting the state of humanity, just come to the Cancer Treatment Center of America - I see love and hugs shared freely on a daily basis.  Smiles are prevalent, and a helpful hand is usually no more than a shoulder's distance away.

Vilma was not the first person to invite our family into her home, we have been blessed to be given many opportunities fellowship with others in and around the center; but the idea that someone would invite us into their home on what is arguably the biggest family-oriented holiday of the year was mind-boggling to us.  Not only that, but we weren't the only ones Vilma invited.  She also offered her home to Janey (a former patient of Vilma's who was back for her 5-month post-transplant check-up) and her husband Raul.  Along with Vilma's husband, children, and other family members, we made quite the eclectic, little band of merry makers; but as I sat looking around the table of unfamiliar yet oh-so-friendly faces, I could help but think Mandie, you are experiencing the TRUE meaning of Christmas right here, right now.  I know it's true...

Dad and mom in front of the stem cell unit's Christmas tree.

Mom at Guesthouse North with her Christmas present: a new iPad!  Now she can Skype family and friends while in-patient at the hospital (oh and play Angry Birds - ha!).

Christmas flowers I arranged and gave to Vilma.

Vilma's house was decorated to pretty for Christmas.

Some of the Christmas crew at the table, eating Vilma's delicious dinner. :-)

Vilma's husband, Frank, made these terribly tempting Reece's peanut butter cup brownies.  I didn't eat much of mine (because it was sugar overload), but it was awesome!

Mr. C with Vilma's 14-year-old dog, Toby.  He was a sweetie pie!

Vilma's beautiful tree.  Her whole house was bursting with Christmas decorations; it was so lovely.

Mom was so glad to be out of the hospital for Christmas, and for the first time in about almost 2 months ate nearly all the food on her plate - miracle of miracles!

Mom and Vilma at the end of the night.

We feel so honored and blessed to have been able to spend the holiday with Vilma, Frank, and their kiddos Alyssa and Luke as well as the rest of their family and the Garcias.  There will never be enough "thank yous" to make up for giving us a warm welcome during a time that could have been so bleak and depressing.  I pray daily that God will bless Vilma and those like her who are so willing to SHOW God's love and compassion. 

I hope you had a wonderful holiday season - no matter what you were celebrating, or where, or with whom.  I pray you felt warm and loved and happy; and I wish for you a new year to follow that is over-flowing with all of God's greatest blessings and gifts.

All the Love in the World,
*mandie*

A Merry Christmas After All

In case you haven't heard:

MOM'S AN OUT-PATIENT FOR THE NEXT FIVE DAYS!  WOO HOO!

Mom getting "sprung" from the stem cell in-patient unit!  All bundled up and ready to face the unpleasant, Chicago weather in the OUTSIDE world!

 This means that she can stay at Guesthouse North with us and go to Christmas dinner with us at her nurse, Vilma's house on Sunday!  God is SO GOOD!  If there is one thing that has been pounded into my heart and head lately about God it's that - HE IS GOOD!

She will have to go back to the CTCA every day in the morning for blood work, just to make sure her levels are good and that she doesn't need any supplementation like potassium, magnesium, blood, or platelets; but after that, she is free to do what she wants during the day.

Of course, this is all WITHIN REASON!  She won't be running any marathons this week, but she can go look at Christmas lights and eat "normal" (ie: non-hospital food).  Also, when she goes out in public, she will have to be careful to wear a mask and gloves; she is still dealing with the C-Diff infection, and although she is on antibiotics, the immune-compromised, elderly, and children could pick it up from her if we are not careful.  Luckily, we are VERY careful and take every precaution to insure the safety of mom and anyone else we might encounter. :-)

On the 28th, she will be re-admitted for a few days for another round of chemo; but it is my understanding that after that, she will be out-patient again.  In other words, we are in a holding pattern until her bone marrow transplant; which actually, will probably happen sooner rather than later. 

One of the stem cell care managers came in to talk to me today while mom was sleeping after her lumbar puncture, and she said that it was a TOTAL MIRACLE that mom went into remission so quickly and that they already found 3 possible donors.  I just smiled, because I know it's our great Jehovah Rapha who healed her...our wonderful Jehovah Jirah who provided the bone marrow donors.  Again, God is SO GOOD.

These next rounds of chemo are GREATLY reduced versions of what she was on before (like from 800 mg to 40 mg); and are ONLY to KEEP her in remission until transplant.  She has responded so well, and is doing so wonderfully; it has turned out to be a very Merry Christmas, after all.

And, as I said, we (dad, W, myself, Mr. C, and mom - M and her hubby are in Missouri at the moment) will be eating Christmas dinner with mom's nurse, Vilma, her husband and two children.  Mom's nurses are just too kind!  This was not the first dinner we'd been invited to, not the first kind gesture.  These people honestly care if mom gets better.  They really do want us to be comfortable and happy.  I don't take any of this for granted; we are so blessed in so many ways, I will never be able to thank these amazing people for all that they do on a daily basis, it is all just beyond words.

We're all really excited for Vilma's dinner, because she is Filipino-American; and she had been telling us of her holiday dinners - how she incorporates traditional elements like turkey and potatoes with Filipino delicacies like blood sausage and homemade veggie egg rolls.  Sounds delicious to me!  So, naturally, we're all pretty excited for our first homemade meal in 7 weeks!  Seems like such a luxury!  We're taking some goodies to her house too; which will honestly be the best part sharing, even a little bit, some gifts and love with Vilma and her family.

Wonderful news!  MUCH to be thankful for!  Praise reports galore!  How awesome is our God?!  Pretty darn AWESOME!

I wish you so much LOVE and a VERY Merry Christmas!
*mandie*

Sung Tan Chuk Ha! ("Merry Christmas" in Korean)

I'm pretty sure this is "Merry Christmas" in Hansul (Korean writing/language).  I'm learning to speak it pretty well, but not doing all that great with the caricatures!

Christmas is right around the corner, and I'm finding so much hope that baby C will be home in 2012 in these sweet, little South Korean faces:

Could these kids be any more adorable?!  As I look through these pictures, and I wonder what Baby C will look like.  I can't wait to see his/her face!  Maybe by Christmas next year, I'll be putting up our own, sweet holiday photos!

Love and Blessings,
*mandie*