The day before our anniversary trip this past weekend, my "Adopting Africa" t-shirt came in the mail! It's super cute, and I just love it! But, it really got me thinking...is it such a good thing to be advertising my adoption? By this, I mean what are people thinking when they read those words across my pink t-shirt?
I stood in line at a local eatery in Nashville, TN with my new shirt on when I noticed a large African American family in front of me (it looked like two sets of parents with children aged 5 or 6 up to perhaps 16). The younger kids were a little fussy; so, one of the mothers sat on a bench near us with them. At one point, I caught her eying my shirt with a quizzical brow; and suddenly, my pride in wearing it fell away...I started thinking, "What is she thinking?"
What are people thinking? Do they think I'm pretentious? Just another yuppie, white woman doing a "trendy" international adoption like some celebrity starlet who doesn't really seem to care or know about world events or issues?
Do they think I'm doing a good thing? Do they think I'm "saving" some sick, defenseless, poverty-stricken child - that I'm a "good Samaritan"? Do they admire me?
All of this worries me. Whether kind and empathetic or skeptical and disapproving, an outsider's opinion of what my husband and I are doing is probably completely inaccurate.
We're not "saviors" relieving a child from "darkness" and "doom" (although, yes, at times the environment that the child comes from may not be the best the world has to offer). We're also not adopting to bring attention to ourselves or to follow in Angelina Jolie, Madonna, or Katherine Heigl's footsteps. We want a family, and we want to include an adopted child in that family, because we believe that's what God wants for us - end of story.
There is also the opinion that mothers of adopted children shouldn't readily or overtly "tell" their adopted child's "story" (how they were adopted and from where and why and when, etc.). It is the common belief in adoption circles that this will be the child's information to share or not in the future.
So, by wearing a t-shirt practically exclaiming the fact that we're adopting from Africa, am I giving away too much? Am I somehow betraying my future child's story? Am I doing something wrong?
On one hand, I get angry and answer my own question: NO! Why is wrong for an adopted mother to be excited and tell her child's story? When a biological mother shares how her child was born in a birth story or tells a passing stranger a little about him or her when in passing they stop to "ooh" and "aww" over them, is that somehow "too much"? Why is different for an adopted child? Why aren't the same standards held for biological parent/child relationship?
This child will be MY child; so, why do I have to treat our relationship so differently? Wouldn't all of these "rules" for adoptive parents just cause more issues with the adopted parent/child relationship? Why can't I just treat my adopted child like my child and not worry about the fact that she'll look different (because, honestly, that will be the only indicator that she's not biologically mine)?
When a woman is pregnant, she can wear a big, bold shirt declaring that she is "cooking something" or "she's with cutie (arrow pointing to big belly)" or just regular maternity clothes; but the reaction from the public is not usually one of questioning or disapproval. It wouldn't be the norm to have a stranger look this woman up and down with a skeptical eye thinking, "Why is she pregnant?" Nobody asks what her motivation is or whether she's trying to keep up with her friends or save a marriage or something else equally ridiculous or hurtful. But there, wearing my adoption t-shirt, being analyzed (whether ruefully or not) by a stranger, I suddenly felt as if I needed to defend myself. And I hated that feeling.
I let those feelings swelter in me when later it happened, a lady asked me what my shirt meant. I got to explain what my husband and I were doing, tell her where I ordered the shirt, and most importantly, I got to talk about the severe need for food, supplies, medical support and more in Ethiopia and all across Africa. She was not offended. She did not attack my motivation. She was congenial and interested and in the end even thanked me for reminding her of how lucky we are here in America.
Relief.
I realized in that moment, that our adoption will be our adoption. We will raise our child(ren) to look beyond the colors of our skin to only see love and family and togetherness. If I want to talk about my child (where she's from, when we brought her home, where she's ethnically from, etc.), I'll talk about it; if I don't, I won't. She will be my child; so, it will be my prerogative. Moreover, if people want to be ignorant or angry or offended, they will always be so. No amount of information will likely change their minds.
And, I need to remember that not every person I encounter is going to be skeptical or judgmental about adoption. Many people are merely interested. I can't always be on the defensive; because when I am like that, I am more likely to push people away, when I need to be open and inviting so that I can spread the correct information about adoption and adoption issues to those who are genuinely curious.
So, it's not the last of my baby pink "Adopting Africa" t-shirt! Next time I wear it, I'll make sure to stand a little taller! :)
Love...so much love,
*mandie*
My super cute African adoption t-shirt! To get one of your own, click the "Adopting Africa" button here on the right-hand side of my blog!
Since we're going to be leaving in a couple of days, I thought I'd go ahead and blog about this...our anniversary! Sunday will officially be one year. One small year. One small, full, lovely, wonderful, perfect year of wedded bliss! This is an important milestone in our marriage; but it's also important, because it makes us officially eligible to adopt from Ethiopia (one year of marriage is the minimum)! So, super exciting!
I am so blessed to have had this man in my life for over 3 years! I know what my life was like before him, and I would never want to go back to a world without him! When I called out for God to answer my prayers for a soul-mate and best friend, he answered them ten-fold! I have the perfect person for me in my life until the day we die; what more could I ask for?
He's so wonderful and kind and selfless with me and just about everyone he meets, I know he's going to be such a fantastic father one day soon!
I was trying to remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling a year ago today, but it was all so fast and crazy (it was our wedding and my mother was violently ill fighting endometrial cancer) that I only remember bits and pieces. All I know is that we had the most beautiful autumn day bestowed upon us! It was bright and sunny, even a little warm (which was a surprise since it was Iowa in October!); but the whole day was absolutely perfect to us!
To my darling husband (Mr. C), I look forward to years and years of happiness shared with you! I cannot believe we've journeyed through one year already; time with you is so wonderful, time seems to fly! There will never be enough time with you! My heart is complete, because of your heart! Me loves you so, so much forever and always!
I'm going to leave you all with some of my favorite pictures from our wedding!
Blessings and So Much Love,
*mandie*
Mr. C checkin' himself in the mirror before the ceremony! Soo handsome! :)
Mommy and me! She was such a trooper even though she felt so poorly that day (we found out she had endometrial cancer the very next week)!
Walking to our ceremony! You can really see my red shoes here!
On the theatre stage saying the last of our vows...almost man and wife!
First kiss as Mr. and Mrs. C!!!
Dancing the night and our lives away! My dream come true!
When I was in college, I used to drive down this quaint, little street on my way to the whole foods grocery store. In that cute neighborhood, I noticed a brown building surrounded by beautiful flowers with a fenced-in backyard that looked just like a cottage out of a storybook. The sign outside read "Montessori Day and Pre-School"; and at the time I thought, "What's that?"
I started doing my research and discovered that "Montessori" is the surname of Italian teacher and child development psychologist, Maria Montessori. Her name is famous world-wide for her innovative teaching techniques that are based on the concept of "following the child". In that, the phrase means to literally cater to the child's mind as it grows and expands developmentally and physically.
Montessori schools allow children a wide variety of freedoms while also requiring quite a bit of responsibility. To me, it's sort of the opposite of "tradition" in America (in schools and households, for the most part). Traditionally, (and this could all be only my opinion) children would be given strict guidelines and rules to follow, then they would be taught to stay within those confines on penalty of punishment. In Montessori, the goal would be that the child would naturally develop the ability to see what restrictions to put on themselves through creative problem-solving and reaching out and interacting independently in their environment.
As someone who was raised in a strict household and attended an equally rule-based private school most of my younger life, these concepts can seem almost shocking to me at times; however, I am still very much interested in sending our future child/children to a Montessori school. I can see both sides of the story, so to speak, and I am leaning more and more towards Montessori.
The best thing is that we even have the option! Dear Hubby and I had already decided to send Baby C. to one of 6 elementary schools within the Catholic school district in a close-by town, only to learn that at least one of them is completely Montessori-based! This was really exciting to us; which prompted the next question, "Should we make her bedroom 'Montessori' as well?"
Yes, you can use the Montessori concepts to arrange and decorate your baby/toddler's nursery! So, do I want to try this at home? Some of the concepts have me squirming (like babies sleeping on the floor on a very thin mattress! What about bugs?!); while many of the others sound amazing!
There are tons of resources out there online and in the library for the parent who is interested in learning how to create a Montessori room for their child, but here are some of the basic concepts that every Montessori room should be based upon:
1. Create a Soft Color Palate: the idea here is that bright, primary colors (including stark blacks and whites) are sensory overload to an infant/toddler. One should keep the room full of soft, inviting pastels or warm neutrals that make the baby feel at ease and free of stress.
2. Subtle Fabrics: fabrics used should match the over-all color scheme of the room to teach the child symmetry (keep the curtains and bedding matching, for example). Texturally, they should be soft and comfortable to the child's touch.
3. Simple Furniture: all furniture should be beautiful yet functional. It's even better if the child him/herself can use the furniture without significant help from an adult (ideally, without any help at all). Over-crowding a room with useless pieces should be avoided at all costs! The whole concept should be that every piece functions together, and every piece matters!
4. Sparse Wall Treatments: anything placed on the wall should be important and purposeful (nice posters of animals or alphabets, or framed works of art, some made by the child?, etc.) and the walls should be kept minimal and uncluttered. Artwork and mirrors (parents are highly encouraged to place mirrors in the child's room so they can watch themselves move physically, whether it be merely learning to roll over and crawl or learning to dance to a rhythm) should be placed at the child's eye-level.
5. Lots of Organization: again, the idea is to create independence, self-awareness, and a sense of responsibility in a tiny person; so, to encourage the child to put his/her toys away by him/herself at a very early age, the tools all need to be in the right p;lace! So, shelving and boxes and trays should be plentiful and should be located close to the ground; so, they are easily within reach of the child.
I especially love the idea of there being lots of "stations" in the child's room for different activities. For example, there should always be a small table and chair set with art supplies nearby for the child to create on and with. It would also be good to have an area for them to work with musical instruments and another for books and a nice fluffy pillow to curl up on.
I've seen some really good examples of Montessori baby and toddler rooms, but I recently found some pictures of one that belongs to a little boy named Vincent. I found these pictures of Ohdeedoh.com. I thought this pictures did a really good job of showing what I am trying to explain.
Here you can see Vincent's sleeping mat. This is the main thing that I guess "freaks" me out about Montessori rooms, the fact that the child sleeps on the floor; however, my Dear Husband seems completely NOT bothered by this. So, maybe I could get used to this with a little more encouragement from him???
A broader view of the room. You can see the tiny table/chair setup and the small shelves set up; so Vincent can put his own supplies and toys away.
A "floor" or "childlike" view of some of the shorter shelves that help Vincent keep his room clean. I also LOVE the fluffy rug! It looks so inviting and comfy; I bet any child would have a blast just rolling around on it, especially a baby just learning to roll over and crawl!
A bird's eye view of those same shelves from the picture above. You can really get a good look at some of the artwork on the wall now.
More shelving (and a mirror!) by the work table/chairs.
A short, fun rack of hooks; so, toddler learns to put things away but is entertained as well!
Another wide-view of the room...the more I see it, the more I love it!
So, do I have to guts to commit to this style of nursery? I think I do! Even DH is excited about this style of room; which, in turn, makes me feel even more confident! I'd love to do whatever necessary to give Baby C. a good opportunity in life; and I'm beginning to think that a Montessori room and early education might be a good place to start!
Toys are a big part of the Montessori teaching method as well. There are sooo many stores that carry the "learning" toys that are encouraged. Here are some wooden toys by Pink House Handworks that I found on another blog that looked super cute!
You can check out all of the Montessori toys Pink House makes on their Etsy store here:
Another aspect of the Montessori room that seemed to be stressed over and again, was that of creating responsibility in the child - making them aware of their surroundings and what is "best" and "right". So, for example, teach them that cleaning up their toys or putting their clothes away will make their room easier to live in and therefore more enjoyable for playing. I was thinking of ways to make cleaning up and putting clothes away "fun" when I found the site www.straightlinedesigns.com. These people are so inventive and just plain cool! The cabinets are AMAZING! I would love to get Baby C. the "Beaver" or "Carrot" or "Mrs. Pearson" (heck, ANY of them would be wonderful!) for her room one day!
Well, I've definitely got a lot to consider and think about when it comes to whether or not I'm going to jump in and make Baby C.'s room a true Montessori space; but I feel much more confident that if DH and I decide to go this route that we'll be on the right track to doing a bang-up job of it!
Blessings and Love, *mandie*
When my husband and I decided (waaaaay back when we were dating) that we really, truly did and were going to adopt one day soon, I began looking around for blogs and books and articles - anything! - that was written about adoption, especially those that were written by adoptive parents of adoptees themselves. I've found some simply amazing books and articles; and, overall, I've found many of the insights very helpful and genuinely interesting.
Yesterday, at Barnes and Noble ( www.barnesandnoble.com), I was in the "adoption" section, as usual, when I found Labor of the Heart by Kathleen L. Whitten, Ph.D. While I've only just begun reading her book, I feel that Dr. Whitten is assuming that adoptive parents are in a similar situation as herself - choosing adoption after a long, emotionally-painful struggle with infertility. She is constantly referring to the need to work through the "anger" and "pain" and "disappointment" (even with God, if you are religious) that comes with being forced to turn to adoption in order to become a parent.
While I understand that infertility does force many couples to turn to adoption, Dr. Whitten seems to be completely ignorant to the fact that there are many of us who choose adoption first. It's as though it's hard for her to see anyone's attitude toward adoption as anything outside of her own personal experiences and emotions.
Toward the beginning of the book, she mentions that she thinks that people (like my husband and I) who do choose adoption first, are only able to think thusly, because they/we have personal experience(s) with adoption in our lives. Honestly, I do realize that my mother being adopted has made me more aware of adoption as a whole; however, I cannot say that her experience alone is enough to make me want to adopt. I have been exposed to adoption through a cousin, friends, and more. I suppose there's no way to prove that I would have wanted to adopt without these personal "brushes" with adoption; but I'd like to believe that my heart has always been open to people and things who need homes and love.
As a child, if I found an animal that was hurt or alone on our farm, I would always take it in and try to help it. I was also known as the child who would talk to the children who were left out of "normal" social interaction at preschool and kindergarten because they had this or that ailment, handicap, etc. (My best friend in preschool was a boy who had a cleft lip which horrified the other kids in our classroom.) For this gift of compassion, I thank my parents. They were constantly helping troubled teenagers through an organization called "Youth for Christ" back in the 80's and 90's. There was a sense that one should tend to people with kindness and caring.
I feel it is mainly for these reasons that I feel drawn to adoption as a means to motherhood. I choose adoption, not out of pain and suffering and loss, but out of joy. I choose it first.
This isn't to say that don't want to have biological children one day; but how my children come to me isn't as important to me as the fact that they have come to me. There's much more to come in Dr. Whitten's book; and I don't mean to pick on her, every person's experience is their own. I suppose her telling her own experience has only made me stronger and more attached to my own decisions.
Be Blessed, *mandie*
Outside is all misty and wet. It has been a deluge all day; the same inside my heart...
I recently started reading the book Labor of the Heart by Dr. Kathleen Whitten, a psychologist and adoptive mom of a girl from Vietnam. I've read lots of memoirs and personal accounts of adoption; so, I thought this was going to be a similar experience for me. But Whitten is not just writing to remember or exorcise some necessary emotions of her own, she has written this book to help - better yet, force - the future adoptive parent to really evaluate his/her thoughts and emotions along the journey of adoption.
Honestly, upon reading the first chapter, I was almost angry. Whitten is constantly referring to the sadness and loss of biological parenthood. In a sense, it seemed that she was saying that adoption is only logically a last resort, not a first choice. To someone like me, who is choosing adoption first, it was more than a little off-putting to hear the process stated in such a way. Although Whitten obviously has a very specific point of view having herself been through several rounds of botched IVF, I think at first I was missing the more important themes that she was touching upon.
What really caught me were the discussions of sadness and grief, anger, guilt, shame, and fear. Specifically, she is speaking to those who have had to come to terms with the loss of pregnancies (not only miscarriages, but perhaps even still births), loss of fertility, loss of hope, loss of options. When all of these are taken away from you as a potential parent, I'm sure it's simply devastating. But, still I was at a kind of loss - I'm choosing adoption first, I have no idea where my fertility stands. It could be great, it could be in trouble, who knows? My husband and I aren't trying to get pregnant; we're waiting for our adopted child.
I almost put the book down when I started reading about fear and anger. It dawned on me, that although I'm not dealing with adoption in terms of loss like she and so many other women are; but that I still had so much to deal with emotionally when it came to grief and anger and fear and worry.
The problem with adoption is that often the people surrounding you don't know how to act or what to say or do. This is a process that will at least take months and at most take years upon years. When a woman is pregnant, you see her belly getting bigger, her clothes getting tighter. Everything is affected in a very outward way - it's visible and tangible.
From the outside viewer, adoption is entirely internal. I think this can be a very dangerous thing for potential parents. It's stressful enough to be expecting a child, but imagine never having the comfort of a due-date, an ultrasound, or even (in many cases) a gender! Forget about painting nursery walls and buying diapers, all of those variables could all change within a moment's notice!
While I read Dr. Whitten's words, I realized that I had been struggling with all of these things. Not that I was having to grieve loss of previous pregnancy per se; but that I was angry with my situation and circumstances, because they were/are keeping me from my daughter. Once I was truly able to be honest with myself, I could feel all of the emotions I had been bottling up for (literally) years overflowing in my heart.
So much pain... The pain of separation. The pain of knowing that, unlike my own mother, my daughter will likely never be able to track down her birth family at any point in her life. The pain and loss of my own biological grandmother...watching my mother search and search for her for decades. The pain of feeling as though I was not important enough for her to even know. It is worse for my mother, I know; but that does not mean that I don't feel abandoned too. So, I worry thusly for my future daughter; how can I help her get through that pain?
Then anger. Anger at my circumstances; anger even at God at times(which makes me ashamed). Why hasn't he allowed me to find the path that I need to take to have success? I feel stunted. I feel as though I've been in limbo for years. I'm at a point career-wise and life-wise that I wanted to be at a decade ago. If I were further along in my career (and in life in general), I would be able to bring my daughter home more quickly - possibly within months. Oh the anger...oh the shame.
I'm ashamed...ashamed for many of the reasons that I'm angry. Perhaps it's my fault nothing is going the way I want it to - No! the way I need it to go! What could I have done better along this path? So much that needs to be done; I just keep missing the mark. What kind of mother could I possibly be?
Which brings me to worry. If a woman is pregnant, she can have an ultrasound. She can see the baby growing inside of her. If there are medical and health concerns, she and her partner can plan for them, get used to them, get ready to fight them and work through them. In adoption, you have no idea what you're up against.
Will my child be healthy? Will he/she be able to bond to me? What if they don't like me? What if Ethiopia changes it's fees, their age limits, their policies - what if they decide to not allow international adoption anymore at all??? What will I do then?
International adoption policy is constantly changing. Every country has their own rules, their own standards and practices. When we were advised to consider another country due to China's extended waiting lists (8 years, 10 years and more!), political unrest, and social disapproval of "excessive" American adoption of Chinese children (within China), I think I went into a sort of protective mode for my heart. I was extremely disappointed. Did we have an LID yet? No. It's not as if I accepted a referral or held a photo of a child in my hands or anything even remotely close to that, but I was attached. My heart was in China. I had read several books about Chinese culture and memoirs of Americans who had adopted (sometimes several times) from there as well. I had tracked down (through no easy means either!) an Asian Cabbage Patch doll on Ebay...I was preparing, I was "nesting".
In a sense, I was pregnant. I was pregnant in my heart with this adorable little Chinese toddler who was going to be mine. Then, as quickly as she had been placed in my heart and mind, she was gone. Like a puff of smoke, she vanished. It really was like having a miscarriage. I felt totally lost.
To make matters worse, it seemed as though every other option was quickly being shut down to us as well. Korea was in much the same state as China. Russia was getting bad reviews by adoptive parents due to the supposed bad health and mistreatment of their children, resulting in general bad blood in adoption relations between our country and theirs. Guatemala had to completely shut their program down due to an alleged epidemic in baby laundering. Colombia was said to be "out of the question", as was Mexico. What's left? Rwanda and Ethiopia. Of course, each of these countries are plagued by health concerns such as HIV, AIDS, HEP, and TB - so much power and worry and pain and death in those tiny, little abbreviations. We continue to worry, what if the medical tests are done incorrectly? What if my child is dying of HIV or AIDS, and we don't even know it?! How can we possibly afford to care for our child then? Or worse, what if they die before we even know what's happening?
But then, before we can even look over the details and make a decision, we get a phone call from the agency not but two weeks later saying that Rwanda has changed their rules; so, we're not eligible, won't be for at least five years. Hmmm, my husband will be over 40 at that time. What to do, what to do?
So, Ethiopia it is! Don't take this the wrong way, it's not as if Ethiopia is a "last resort", we're absolutely thrilled to be adopting from this country! In fact, I really feel that God has answered my prayers by "forcing" us to choose Ethiopia. (And again, I don't mean "forcing" in a negative way, I only mean that it is the only country option available to us now.) I pray daily that God will "place his hand upon my head and turn me the direction he will have me go." In this way, I know that he will lead me to the people I need to meet, I will encounter the situations I am supposed to encounter, and I will have a better chance of fulfilling his perfect destiny for my life.
I feel as though he has done this for me in leading us to Ethiopia. International adoption can be confusing and overwhelming. Choosing a country is one of the hardest and most important decisions. We chose China, because there seemed to be a huge need for adoption; but there is a huge need in Ethiopia too. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my daughter is from Ethiopia, and that God wants us to be together for always. He's made sure of it by making certain that my husband and I can go nowhere else for our international adoption - it's fate.
This blog is rambling on, I know; so, I'll try to sum things up!
I suppose what I'm trying to say in all of this is that Dr. Whitten struck a nerve with me. I thought I was strong, and that in a sense I had no right to be upset when things went wrong in this adoption journey - after all, there have been couples enduring through this process for years upon years and we've only just begun, right? But I realize now that I was wrong. The adoption journey is a type of pregnancy, and it's MY pregnancy! So, I have the right to be hurt when things don't work out and worried when laws or country relations go awry or anything else along the journey!
It felt so good to cry and cry and just get these emotions out! I had never realized how much they were bogging down my heart and spirit or how much pain I had been in getting to this point.
If you are on the adoption journey too, just know that you're not alone. It's so very hard at times to keep your head up and fight through; but in the end, just as in a biological pregnancy and labor, "it's all worth it"!
I don't know if these labor pains of the heart will go away throughout the process or if I'll feel them until the day I'm holding my daughter in my arms; but at least now I feel justified in feeling them. That alone is like an epidural to my soul!
Blessings and Love,
*mandie*
Dr. Kathleen Whitten's book (above) can be ordered through Barnes and Noble Booksellers here: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Labor-of-the-Heart/Kathleen-L-Whitten/e/9781590771334/?itm=2&USRI=kathleen+whitten
I LOVE the blog Spearmint Baby ( www.spearmintbaby.com)! In fact, I'm sure I've mentioned her on here before...okay, I've definitely mentioned her before! Ha!
ANYWAY, she's always posting these amazing give-away contests for everything from jewelry to artwork to fun baby nursery goodies and baby clothes - just awesome stuff!
This time, she's giving away a free "Balloon Animals" print by Sloe Gin Fizz by Nicole Ray. It's an absolutely adorable print that I think would look great in a boy or girl nursery...or even my craft room??? :)
Here's a picture of the print:
How cute is this, right?!
Enjoy!
Blessings and Hugs, *mandie*
So, I follow the blog "Black Girl with Long Hair" to get information about caring for my future daughter's African hair. She has TONS of fab ideas and reviews everything from shampoos and conditioners to balms and butters. It's absolutely invaluable to people like my husband and I, who will soon be charged with not only caring for our Ethiopian daughter's hair; but also caring for her attitude toward it.
I personally LOVE African hair! I love the texture, the colors, the curl! *SIGH* To die for! Of course, it's always greener on the other side, right? Although we're white, my youngest sister has immensely curly hair, always has. I have always loved her hair, but it took her nearly 20 years to come to terms with/and become friends with her naturally curly hair.
BGLH posted a blog not long ago about Chris Rock's new documentary called "Good Hair" - a film showing at the Sundance Film Festival about black women's relationship with their hair. (As a little side-note, he supposedly got the idea when his tiny, little daughter came and asked him, "Daddy, why don't I have good hair?" Heartbreaking, right?) It sounds hilarious and informative and looks like it's going to be just awesome! I'm hoping to go see it in the theatre, but I want to get a copy on DVD for Baby C. one day!!!! I hope it will be something we can watch together and laugh about and talk about. I just want her to know that I think her natural hair is beautiful, and I hope she will too.
I've posted the trailer for "Good Hair" below - enjoy! It looks amazing!
Blessings, Love, and Hugs, *mandie*
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